Sometimes I do get this feeling where I get pretty lonely,and I feel like nobody really appreciates me. It is a cold, lonely world out there and even my cat seems like to not appreciate me. Sometimes people do like me and sometimes people don't like me, and I go through spells where people like me and people don't like me. Or maybe I have a dislike for many other people. I really don't know....
The last couple of years I don't really know where I fit - I was shoved in an apartment when there were the not so cool people come from and people are starting to see me as the "not so cool people." It looks like I was in a prison that I couldn't escape and it seems like there was no way for me to get out of this mess. It looks like I have been stratified and ostracized from the rest of society, and it seems like I am not "normal enough" for the people around me. I am not a dumb person; I can be pretty intelligent and I can be pretty cool if I want to, but I hope I don't get shoved in a situation like this.
It looks like there was a lot of stratification in the apartment - there was thre football team which are considered the cool people in the apartment and there is a group of "special ed" type people. I was shoved with a bunch of special ed type people even though I know I was a lot better than those special ed type people. I have nothing against them and I know they want to mainstream like everyone else, but it seems like my self-esteem has been lower by shoving me with those special ed type people and I don't really have a legitimate disability. I have a mild case of ADHD that makes me a little more talkative than usual and lose things, but I am pickled jarred into a group of people that are far worse than me which is making me a lot worse than me. Don't you understand that many succesful people like Olympic medalist Michael Phelps have ADHD.
I want to have the dates and the social life like everyone else, and I want to have good friends like everyone else - mainstream friends like everyone else. You have these events like dances, etc. but it looks like not the "cool people" show up but more of the same type of special ed type people show up. The same thing with the community room.
People with "disabilities" would like to make friends and be cool like everyone else, but they look like they are made fun of and they are the dumb people. I hope I can get out of this mess so I can be like the mainstream people and not be judged. I want to be known for "me" instead of "quirk man" or something like that - I am not an alien, I am a human being just like anyone else. I would like to have friends and relationships, and even a job like everyone else.
I tend to be the quieter, thinking type people that a big blabber party goer - there are things that are going in my head and there are people made for me. I can be like anyone else and I can date like anyone else. It was not because I was cursed for life and I am only going to be with these people, and do these things - that is not good.
I hope things change and I hope I get a year where I am accepted. Someone is going to like me - I would like to be respected, to be liked, to be appreciated a little more and I would like to be shown "here I am." I was accpted more and I was not accepted in high school. The same thing has been going on for about 7th grade and I haven't really gotten out of this pattern.
I don't think Ihad the best concept of who I am or I don't want to be accepted of who I am. But I am getting a way better concept of who I am but I still need work. Someday it is going to come. Maybe I should experiment around with different genres of music - we have pop, rock, country, techno, dance - there is a different culture with this different style of music and a lot of this music is going to try to define who I am and who I am not.
I am going to blosson and eventually I should figure it out - I hope I am not this "nothing" waiting to be unveiled. There is something in with me - I am not your obvious but there might be something obvious with me and eventually I am going to fit. Maybe there is something that is going against the grain than you typical student these days. Who knows.
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