Okay, it looks like time keeps pressing on and I still don't have a concept of what I am supposed to be doing with my life. It seems like it has been just yesterday when I just graduated from elementary school and it seems like high school graduation was a short time ago. I was thinking back about 2002-2003, what I was like and how I was changing. I was a pretty smart kid about the 6th grade and I known a lot about music and computers. I like to fool around with the computer systems and I also liked to fool around with anything music - I wasn't that involved with popular music because popular music was not that good but I did enjoy other genres of music - I was even dorky and I liked classical music and jazz, which was a style of music that was very mature and old fashioned for my age.
I tend to be in my smart little world until about the 7th-8th grade, when I turned into a teenager. I didn't really have a concept of what I was going to be as a teenager,but I decided that I am going to be cooler. I am not going to be this dorky kid that liked this mature music such as jazz and classical, and I decided I am going to get this guy that was going to be "with it" and will listen to popular music. I was starting to listen to pop music and I was starting to try to get involved with the modern slang of the time, even though I was pretty stiff.
I did not really like rap music, I was more of a fan of other styles of music such as pop until someone got me introduced to that style of music. That revolutionized the image that I was going to have and it "de dorked me." I was pretty smart, even in the elementary school, but I am not going to be the geek or the nerd, I am going to be the "cool guy." I was trying to get influenced by something that I think I was cool. I was not all total dork - I did listen to pop such as Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, Hilary Duff as a kid as well, so I was startin to be with the trends but I was trying to define myself as an individual.
I really didn't have a concept of who I was but I actually liked certain music - I liked to create music and a lot of high school was creating music. I was a pretty peaceful kid that did not get involved with drugs or anything like that - I really didn't know where I fit in the contemporary world but some day I am going to figure out where I am going to fit.
I am still trying to figure out who I am but I am starting to get straightened out - it seems like I have a split personality and I am really confused. There are so many choices and I really don't know where I fit. My parents are pretty conservative and I might be pretty conservative, and they didn't wanted me to go along with what the teenagers are doing, but actually I was trying to go along with them, but I didn't do it right. Such as hip-hop - I don't think I had a very good concept of the hip-hop culture - I think I appreciated rap music but I didn't really get what they are singing about and is this culture really fit for me. The same thing with the goth/emo and I think I went against the goth/emo because they wear black and they are pretty "creepy and scary people".
I really didn't know who I was and I did not want to go along with anything that was not cool. No nerdy or dorky stuff, so I was kinda shy and mysterious throughout high school. I go through spells where I was pretty wild and outgoing, and I think I go through spells where I was shy. I think it was something like bipolar disorder or something like that.
There are a lot of choices and a lot of confusion and I am soon starting to figure it out. I tend to be kind of conservative and old fashioned, and rather do things a little more traditional. My parents are more the traditionalist the really value me about going to school and getting a job, but I am trying to find myself as well. They think you really don't need to find yourself and go along with the "kooks" that are walking around.
There is culture that is kind of confusing and there is a confusing world out there. Some day I am going to get my head screwed on and find out who I am, and what I want to be.
Now I am expected to grow up and I haven't really grown up that much - my parents want to have me have a path and it seems like I don't know what I am good at or what I want to do. I think maybe working is going to help and to see what I am good at. It seems like I am just sitting around, contemplating my world and trying to find out who I am.
Something is going to pop out and I hope it pops out soons - I do like stores and restaurants so it might be good for me to work in a store or a restaurant. I got hired for Wal Mart and eventually I am going to see if I like it and I might take some general business classes just to get me a job. Maybe I am good at stores and I should try to figure out what I am good at.
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