High school is a long way back, but it seems like I want to start looking back. It looks like I had no future so everything had ended at high school. When I entered college, I thought it would of been all over and it would of been a fresh start, but it looks like I have been having the same thing as high school, only worse. It was hard for me to fit in during the middle school and parts of high school years - I just sucked onto one guy who I could relax with and I floated around with the other people. There was a lot of drama, especially with going after girls.
It seems like I was trying to go after girls, but a lot of them are taken by some other guys. I probably only wanted one type of girl and they were blondes, and maybe redheads; I was not really attracted or wanted any "brunettes" because they were "boring" and common, and I didn't appreciate the beauty of a darker color. I probably didn't like darker colors and I picked bright colored clothes and looked at bright colored girls.
Drama was all over the place and I had a hard time getting involved with relationships. It seems like that the other guys were going after the other girls, and I could see some characteristics. The "boyfriend" always seems to be some guy with longer hair and was probably some skater type guy/emoish type guy. I was wearing short hair and short hair was not "cool" in the 2000s. I also sat a lot on the computer, looking up stuff such as MySpace and added random girls.
There was a lot of drama and I don't know the source. But it seems like I had seen improvement about junior year and it might be somewhat the clothing choices that I was wearing. I was trying to fit in with everyone else but did not get the detail - I didn't dress bad but it seems like I was wearing more bright colors that clash with each other such as a yellow and green. I did not know who I was, but I was experimenting and it seems like I was going nowhere. I was starting to get it together about junior or senior year, but it was still a mess.
The same thing is continuing into college - even worse. I am having the same problem - I am going after girls and they seem to not want me back or they already are having "boyfriends" and a lot of them seem to be a lot "cooler" and a lot better than me. I really don't know what the core of this - what is making me undesirable.
But eventually things are going to get better and I hope so, and I think I need to change things. There has been a pattern that I have been going through and that pattern needs to stop.
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