What I am thankful for?

Thanksgiving and Christmas are one of the best Holidays out there - we are celebrating somebody very special to Christians is the birth of Jesus Christ and we are celebrating about something that we are thankful for.  Thanksgiving has turned into a holiday where you can stuff your gut and watch Detroit play football - it is a very self centered holiday with something that values unselfishness.  Almost all holidays values unselfishness - thanksgiving, Christmas, fourth of July, etc and appreciation - each holiday is known for being thankful and appreciate of what you got - lets say the fourth of July is being thankful for your freedom and independence, while memorial day is a holiday that honors the people that passed before you. But I'll think about thanksgiving and what I am thankful for.

I haven't really thought about the things that I have been truly thankful for - I'll first have to start out with my parents.  I do take my parents for granted but my parents had let me go through college - they were the ones that saved that money and made sure that I went this far into college.  They also made sure I had enough money to spend time in the apartments. They made such I was feed and my clothes are washed all throughout the years, taught me how to drive, and got me through school.  Some things they didn't do and I have many regrets - my Dad did not show me how to do things yet and my mom did not make sure I was the coolest with the cell phones and the clothes - they did not value these things and had different ideas about me.  My parents didn't care if I was cool or anything - it was not their top priority but  they wanted me to find a path, which I am working on right now. My parents had did a lot for me - I go home every weekend to get me fed and they listen to me.  They helped me go through the toughest times and will give up their lives just to help me get through things, but they time is going to come to let go.

I am thankful for my grandparents - they are all dead now but they also added a bit to the inspiration.  Of course they were cookies and stuff like that, and they spoiled me more than my parents but at least my grandparents wanted to make me feel good about myself in some ways.  They were a great help when times are tough - not just with soup and cookies, but with good practical advice.  They are gone but their values are going to live on.

This college education is something I have to be thankful for - it has been a long continuing journey and I am going through the toughest with the journey.  There was a period of exploration and there is more exploration I have to go through, but this year looks like a year to actually jump in and do stuff.  I am starting to get a reality check about life about what is truly going on - I haven't really experienced many things and many things are starting to hurt.  I am starting to get thoughts about myself and who loves me in general, and who doesn't really love me anyway.  But  I am starting to become thankful for this college education - I needed to be educated to grow - the many classes that I took started to give me a different perspective about the world and I am starting to get a different perspective each time I learn new things. College is a time to think about the world around you and the different places in the world, and how I fit in this world.

I am thankful for the help I am getting - I am finally getting some professional help with the depression from the counselors, doctors, etc. It looks like I am finally getting things fixed to make me a healthy, strong, competent human being.  This blood pressure pill is something that I needed - my heart rate is starting to slow down and I am starting to get some body on me instead of a very skinny guy.  I am starting to bulk up and become pretty attractive looking for a person, and I am thinking that things such as hormones, nutrients are being pumped at a slower, more healthy rate.  It is a transition I am getting proud of and I am starting to like my appearance more and more.

There are many things that I am getting thankful for - it looks like things are going rock bottom but some days are just moments that I do cherish.  A lot of moments are like a roller coaster ride - some days I feel very depressed and helpless and some days I am very happy - I have been having a lot of swings lately.  I don't know why it has to be so long to get things figured out and why certain moments have to be so tough - I am trying to figure out why?  Why  do these things have to happen to me?  Why me?

I have been making a lot of progress in the last few months - especially with October and November - there has been a rapid change and more change is going to happen in December. October is a month where the friendships had picked up but November is more when I started to get these health problem figured out.  Lets see what's December has to offer.

I am especially thankful for music - Music is something that can get you through anything and it is everywhere.  Now the genres had been so diverse and we are exposed to more music than ever before because of the internet - you can buy and download some of the weirdest music and we are starting to show our human potential and human expression.  I am thankful for being born into a generation where I have access to the Web - the web has open self expression and let humans connect.  I can finally express myself into the depths of the internet - the Web is where you can show off your local garage band, your artwork, your craftsmanship, something that is not controlled by the traditional corporations - people could finally expose their talent to the world and express themselves to the world.

Do I really want to go back to this?

In the past weekend, I had experienced many past lives that I have encountered, but now with  a totally different perspective.  Do I really want to go back to this?  I should think twice about this.

A lot of my time in high school was involved with dealing with elderly people and seeing grandparents.  I had took a walk through the nursing home without the old people and it has been a totally different world - I have a totally different perspective on the rest home.  The rest home looks not that much different than a college environment - elderly people are watching sports and the apartments are very similar to dorm rooms - there is even a dining hall that is very similar to a traditional college dorm.  You have your R.A's there too that watch you with every move and see if you are behaving yourself.  I am starting to realize that this college life is old - it is the rest home.

I went back to a high school to see a string concert - a lot  of my high school was involved with being part of the band and choir, and I am starting to get a different perspective of the students that are involved with these artsy activities.  The artsy students are different than what I think they are - they are very similar to me in many ways and they are not these weird hipster emo people as I thought they are. I always had that perspective when I was in the high school because that dominated that artsy end off the school.  A lot of the girls are quite attractive and even preppy looking who attend these events.

Then I went back to one of my old college apartments - apartment 24.  Apartment 24 was the rauwdy drama apartment but now I went into Apartment 24 and it looks like a totally different place.  Apartment 24 is pretty neat and cleaned up, and it is a very nice, quiet apartment to be in.  The reputation has changed with that Apartment and I had a different perspective.

It looks  like I am having a different view than what I thought - the rest home is not the fogey place as I thought it was; it is starting to become a pretty frat, and I am realizing that the actual young people, like the college students are actually the fogey people.  They look like they are pretty polished even compared to the older generation.  I am starting to get a different perspective about things.  Or this what it was always going on, but I was not that focused and I was in a fog.  I have been looking at these past places and I have an opposite perspective than I originally have it - I have been underrating these artsy/theatre people and  I have been overrating the rest home.  I think I am going to continue having a different perspective with things.

College - it was well worth it?

I am at the ending times of my college life and I am going to enter the next stage of my life  - entering the "real world".  Of course the real world is going to be a scary experience unless I have everything set up in the right way and I am starting to get things set up in the way that is very simple for me.  I am getting a clearer idea of what my path should be and a clearer idea of what my goal is going to be - there is a lot of decisions to be made but things are going to work out as the time comes.

Actually, I am in the real world right now for most of the time and the time I am at college life is starting to dwindle.  I am not having this "high school" like college life and the structured lifestyle of college is starting to become more flexible.  But there is some structure to the schedule was well, balancing my homework and projects along with other responsibilities.  I am going to enter the next stage in my life at a very soon rate and I am starting to get less fear about the world - I am going to start simple.

A simple start is better than a complicated start - I'll probably be residing in my college apartments and working in some sort of retail business, most likely a grocery store.  Most of my time is going to be involved with working and earning some money, which will be used for living and having fun.  I am probably going to be developing new hobbies, and making new friends, along with connecting with old friends.  There is probably not going to be that much drastic change and I am planning on a slow change instead of a fast rapid change.  I have been having this fear of being out in the world with no path - the world is a lot more chaotic that the structured school world, especially with this modern day chaotic society.

Society has been chaotic lately - it looks like we are starting to become more accustomed to part time work than to full time work and life is like a continuous weekend.  The concept of the work week and the weekend is going to be gone and it is going to be a  seamless weekend.  People will start working from their homes, going to school from home, and then will be going up town to socialize.  Of course, you are going to have positions such as the retail but the managerial positions are going to be at home work - most professional jobs will be out of the home in the telecommuting nature instead of in the traditional brick and mortar office.

I don't know what my path in life is going to be - of course I am going to have my long term goals such as a five year plan but each day is going to be living day by day.  Each day is going to be a new adventure and something is supposed to happen everyday.  I am starting to grow up and be able to choose my destiny, but I also can hold on to the simplicity of childhood. It was more of a simpler life back then without much responsibility but you have a lot more options now that you are in childhood.  Things that are childhood fantasies are going to become realities - there are many fantasies are going to become a reality in the future such as what is my own home is going to be like, who I am going to marry, and what my kids are going to be like.  This college life has been a period of development and I had changed a lot, and I will like to thank God and my parents for this college life to happen.

Something you didn't know about me

I know this is a very tragic story and this happened when I was a very young child, right when I was starting preschool.  I probably didn't have much memory of this but I could of had a sister.  When I was only 3 years old, my mom was ready to have a baby but when the baby was born, the baby was dead.   Having a dead baby is a very tragic experience - it is one of the worst experiences that a person could have.  I was ready for a sister but I didn't have a sister.

Right now, my sister would of been 19 years old and she would of been a freshman in college.  On November 9, which would of been her 19th birthday, I was having a lot of problems.  I was having anxiety problem which resulted in me to be in the hospital - I had to talk to a shrink and everything, but I was starting to find out it was simply a problem  with the heart rate - some simple medical problem.

But really, it has been a very tough 19 years throughout the school years.  I don't want to reveal any secrets on the internet but things had been very tough for me.  I had been a problem child in elementary school and I had been having the same problems throughout high school and college.  It looks like things had been improving throughout the high school years, and I was having some good times in high school -  I even had some good times in elementary school, but the college years had been a  tough experience for me.  But now it looks like things are going through an upswing and things are going to be a lot better in the future.

I don't get the connection here but there might be a message from my sister - something that she was trying to tell me.  I never saw my sister but she knows me some how and she probably was guiding me around.  This is very mysterious but why everything seems to be figured out by about the time she turns 19 years old or the time she enters the college world if she was alive.  I don't know what my sister is going to be like but I can have a guess what she is going to be like, and she is probably going to be a lot like one of the friends that I have made in college.

I don't get why I have to go through this  - I am asking myself why?  Why?  What is the reason behind this chaos and it looks like  the junk started when my sister was born dead.  She may be physically born dead but she is still alive and well in the spiritual world.

God does have a reason for something and maybe there is a reason why I have to go through this.  I was born as a perfectly normal child but then it looks like everything has fallen apart when I was 3 years old.  Of course I have my good times in my life and my life is not wasted, but I am thinking why I have to go through this.  In the long run, there might be a reason and I am trying to figure out the reason.

There is probably two sides of me - a cool me and a not cool me.  The cool me does come out once in a while but the not cool me is revealed a lot, and the cool me is hidden.  There is a cool version of me - somebody very awesome that is hidden deep inside me but it has been covered by this person who is this sort of an awkward person.  The cool me is unpeeled when people give me a chance and when it is revealed, people like it, but it looks like it is replaced by this awkward, not cool version of myself.  It's like a 2 sided personality - some kids in school thought I was awesome and some kids thought I was lame - it is the right kids know the cool me.  The awkward me might be some sort of front  - I don't know how the cool me gets hidden.  Maybe there is some time I can be cool all the time. This is like a competition and it might be my sister in the spiritual world telling me that I am not cool and she could be cooler like it is a rivalry going on.  When the cool me comes out, the sister probably gets jealous and makes me uncool so she can be cool.  But maybe the truth can be revealed how I can truly be this awesome person.

Living in a joyride

In the past month or 6 weeks, I have been living in a joyride at the wrong time. I know that graduation and moving on with life is going to be only about 6 months from now, which is a very short time from now, but it is going to be a very rapidly  changing time.  6 months ago was last May and I was just out for the summer - I was out in the "real world" for a small sample. I was starting to navigate the real world really well - I was starting to cook my own dinner and wash my own clothes; I had established some routines for cooking and cleaning, and my apartment was relatively clean. It was a quiet time but it was rather lonely, but it wasn't really that bad once I got used to it.  I was getting so used to living on my own partway that I was starting to dread roommates - who I am going to get which makes me rather uncomfortable.

That summer was a long and quiet summer, and that eventually ventured into the fall.  Then another joyride started to take place, and I was having so much fun, enjoying the college life that I was starting to neglect many other things that were important in life, such as proper nutrition and  cleaning, along with valuing my college education and what I am going to do in the future.  Of course, I could care less and I would like to start simple, but I probably won't want the simple living if I get used to it.  I am fearful about the future and I was excited about the future at the same time.

The improper nutrition resulted me to start feeling sick and starting to develop many mood swings, sometimes at dangerous level.  I had to be hospitalized for a short time because of the stress, which makes me start to realize that I need to value some things that I have been taking for granted.  I have been taking the car for granted for a long time, and I have been living without a car for about 3 months - riding a bike is not the same and I have to time myself for moving to certain locations to chase rain and darkness. I have  been ignoring some responsibility while I was having fun - I was starting to slack on my cooking skills and cooking my own food, making myself malnourished and my cleaning, especially with doing laundry, along with the education.  All I have been prioritizing is fitting in and having fun with some friends - of course friendship is important but there are other things that are just as important, which is eating healthy, which involves the extra responsibility of cooking and cleaning up my mess for health reasons.  Cooking and cleaning may be stodgy things that I don't want to do, but they are the basic things for survival and being healthy.  I should be a little more concerned about my appearance and the way I present myself as well - I can't just go out and buy new duds - I have to change the person from within.

I have been learning a lot of lessons and there are a lot more lessons to be learned.  I could be this cool guy and I could be a loser - looking healthy will make me cool - eating right and personal hygiene, exercise, all the things that the doctor tells you to do all the time is essential for being a cool person.  I was just focusing on text messaging, but not on the other things such as personal appearance and hygiene, along with changing the way I am within.

Of course, if I look closely, the friends that I know actually cook their own food and do their own laundry, clean up, etc. and they are just as cool - I should do it too.

The unknown path

Eventually the day is supposed to come and I am not sure what I am going to do next.  There are many unknown questions that are supposed to be answered and things to think about.  These things have not been a big burden to me because I thought life was supposed to go one day at a time, but I am realizing that I need to have a path and I need to have a goal.  I can't just go nowhere.  I keep telling this story about last summer but it looks like the last summer is where it seems like I am going nowhere - I had to finish this college education but it looks like I didn't really had many goals.  I thought about the past more than the future and  I was very reflective but I was realizing about the lack of freedom that I was having when I had many limitations.

Last summer I didn't really have a car - a car was my ticket to freedom and that car will take me places - I could escape.  Now I had to rely on a bike and public transportation - using public transportation is very expensive and riding a bike to get to the places I want to go is very time consuming, but at least I got some exercise. I got a better view of what the town around me was like and it was a rather boring place where I didn't really fit in - it was a rather lonely place.  There was a lot of bars and stuff, and I do not drink -it looks like I am going to be out of luck in the place I was going.  I spent a lot of that summer sitting in my room, suffering from the heat, watching Netflix and thinking about the dead end that I have gotten myself into.  It looks like I was going nowhere and I was starting to get more and more depressed.  But the good thing about riding a bike I was starting to scan through my local environment and started to comb through the town - there are many places in the town that I did not know about.  I started to use my smartphone and started to scan through the local business and I found many places I didn't know about such as a pretty decent restaurant to eat at.  There might be some pretty decent places to eat at that are in the underground that weren't in the  mainstream.

But it was getting pretty lonely - I was lacking a support network - I felt like I was sort of unloved and going nowhere.  But that was last summer and I had changed a lot.  Now I am starting to realize that time is running out and there is going to be a crunch.  I have gotten to know some new people but I realized that some of the people that I am going to get to know are going to leave.  I am going to feel very lonely once again.  But at least  I am going to have a car and I can move around, which can open man doors.  I know this feeling of isolation was starting to get on my nerves - there is a vast world out there and I have been only seeing a limited sample of the world out there.  But I am starting to ponder about this - where do I fit in this world?  There is a location for me and there is a role for me in the world too - I am supposed to be doing something.  I am going to be going nowhere if I don't have some sort of path - I am going in a dead end with nowhere to go; I am supposed to be going somewhere.

I sort of have this "sewed up" attitude but nothing is sewed up.  That is the hard part about life - I find the familiar to become more comfortable.  I get to know some people and then  they leave, which makes me feel lonely once again.  This randomness is very awkward and life is very random.  I don't know what my future is going to bring to me - I didn't know what was going to happen this year. I known I was going to continue on with college but I didn't expect my grandparents to be all gone this year and I didn't expect this circumstance to happen that summer.  I was all ready for summer of just running around - in circles.  I would of been a very annoying person just burning gas going nowhere, trying to find out where do I fit.  There is a place where I fit in the world.

I have been obsessed on the virtual world instead of the real world.  The internet has been a place to escape and I have been escaping on the mobile internet world instead of facing reality - I don't like what I am seeing, I escape into my virtual world.  I don't like the people around me I can escape in my virtual world.  There are Wi-Fi access points everywhere for people with smartphones, tablets, laptops, and any other things that have the internet - they are usually free.  I usually use my 4G connection when I am out in the world but I have been dependent on the internet and not my outside environment.  The virtual environment is fine but I need to see  my physical environment.  I have been using the Web as my  escape device and my digital consultant - I have been looking up weird stuff on the internet instead of facing the outside world.  I have been probably in my digital world just to escape the  reality of real life - I have been in a different dimension. Now I am going to have to look up a little more - a lot of my view of the world has been looking down at some screen or something like that.  It is like some psychological escape - time to look up.

The unknownness of life

I am very anxious and nervous about the world around me - I am getting closer and closer to the "real world" and away from the school world which I have been in since I was in preschool.  I was in the real world when I was a baby, but I did not have much concept about the world around me - I probably looked around and explored the world in the most simplest of ways, and the things that fascinated me the most were the toys.  The toys were symbols of many real world objects but just scaled down - I started to have a better concept of the world by playing with toys.

I have been playing with toys such as Legos and Duplos - they were construction set pieces of toys that simulated life in the real world - you have the option of building homes and maneuvering around with people - they were like playing with dolls and I started to develop concepts on how the world works by playing with toys.  The toys I was playing with were not the fantasy toys - it is not the video games and the Pokémon that the other children played with; probably the older children.  I played with the traditional toys that helped me develop creativity.

I was playing with toys but the more I got exposed to media such as TV and the internet, I actually started to get less interested in the toy world.  The digital world was the way for me to collect information - I have been using lots of information off the internet and I have been using the information to develop interests.  The internet is full of stuff that I can learn and do.  I have been exploring the wonders of the web during the college years - the teenage years I had more restricted internet access because my parents thought the internet was bad for young people and it is a free for all - but actually in a way the internet is a very educational tool that is going to impact our lives.

I have been dependent on the web and other people have been very dependent on the Web, and I have been using the Web to develop my concept of the "real world" and I have been developing a fear of the real world.  The internet has been showing me a very negative view of the real world - it shows about all of life's struggles when you get out the door and that childhood has been permanently over when you enter the world of the internet.  The internet is where childhood stays - there is a lot of 90s and 00s nostalgia on the internet along with nostalgia of other generations that make the younger age the better age and you get worse when you get older and enter the real world.  You have more responsibility and your body starts to fall apart - but you have a payoff - you earn more better things that you just dreamed of  when you are at a younger age, just in childhood.  I have been passing through childhood and teenager life, but the next stage is the dreaded adult life.  Actually I might of entered that life about 18  because 18 is the legal age but you don't have much of a chance to grow up - there are many things to learn about the world once I get older.  In school you learn about the repetitive facts and figures without any meaning to why you need it in the "real world."  You learn algebra  which is used for developing abstract thought which is used in the "real world" but  it is not taught in a concept that makes you think straighter.  School doesn't teach you about the real world - they want you to just naturally figure it out yourself.  The story of Columbus in 1492 is in the boring history textbooks but this might explain why you are here today but most people could care less about why we are here - we are simply here.  History could explain there was a world before you and there is a world out there in the future - it probably shows us how we develop throughout time.

I think I should find a better concept of the world - the internet may have been showing a conception of the real world is fearful - it is probably the media.  Being older is not cool - having youth is actually cooler. The movies and the internet has a fantasy about college life that is better than the real world - it is the more freedom and less responsibility that you have in the "real world" where everything is a continuous responsibility and loneliness.  The college world promotes a fantasy environment where everybody is "equal" and the walls are breaking down - everyone is the same - but when you enter the real world you are in a world of separation - everyone is in their own world and everyone seems to clump together.  Similar people will naturally group together and if you have enough similar people together, you are going to create a culture and a subculture - we are not that united but we are more divided in this cliquey  world where everyone is "pickled jarred."  College tries to promote the un-pickle jarred lifestyle but eventually people start pickle jarring each other. The social world is a complicated world to decipher but it seems to be pretty simple if you look at it in the big picture.

Life is tough

Life can be very tough and it is not fair.  It looks like I am not getting some of the things that I want, but I think I should realize it, maybe there is a reason for me to not get the things I want at this current time.  There are some things I should be doing and some things that I wish to be doing.

It looks like that each day does have a purpose in it - even the most small things and each day has a purpose that meets a larger plan.  The summer that I was always talking about - the summer of 2013 may seem like a day to day monotony, but there might be a reason in the future for me to have that summer.  That summer I was starting to have a view of the world - I was finally dumped out in the world and as the summer progressed, the more I got a feeling of fear and depression.  I was starting to realize what the world is like - it is a pretty lonely place but it is not a very lonely place.

The summer was an interruptions - it looks like every summer is some sort of interruption but this summer is an interruption.   I ended the summer and started the year in a very lonely sense, but I have to make up my mind what my life is going to be like.  I am in control of my own life.  A few weeks at the beginning of the year, I sat around and thought about how lonely it is just to sit in my apartment and then I realized I needed to get out.  Now I got out and I was having the time of my life.  I have been having this fantasy life but reality is starting to set in - I need to concentrate on what is truly important.

My priorities have been messed up - I have been prioritizing the fun things without realizing that I need to buckle down and think about the future.  I have been having trouble accepting that people are people, no matter the age.  The students in the classroom are older and they have more experience than your average college students and it is more of a realistic simulation of what the world is.  It looks like I have been having trouble accepting that I am member of the community just like anyone else.  Right now I have the ability to do whatever I want as long as it follows the law - my life is in my own hands and I am going to be treated like a respectable citizen like anyone else.  People are starting to respect me now - I am not just a little pip squeak anymore; people will actually start to believe me and they would like to hear my ideas.  My ideas may be helpful to contribute to society to make society a better place.  I have a role in society and I am trying to figure out what I should do - I am able to be a respected member of the community and is expected to be a respected member of the community.

I do have a hard time accepting this fact that I am starting to age and starting to become older, but life has just begun.  Pretty soon people are going to start thinking I am immature and weird - accepting my age as time presses on.  Of course, I am trying to make up something while other people expect me to outgrow this lifestyle. I am eventually going to get through this.  I know  I am starting to get higher expectations and the expectations are going to be tougher and tougher.  At least I have a challenge and I have something to work for.  I have been having my head up my butt and I have been having my head up my butt for a long time, and it is time to get it out of my butt.'

I have been having a jolt in my life and there has been a major transition a change.  I have been used to be living in a controlled life but now I got more freedom and I don't know what to do.  This freedom causes confusion, but eventually I will get used to it and love it.

A Golden age

This year I have been invited to a Halloween party.  Whoop de ding.    But I haven't been invited to a Halloween party in the last 10 years.  The last Halloween party was in 2003 and the latest is 2013.  It looks like I am having a similar pattern to my 7th grade year, but a flip flop.

Back in my 7th grade year, there was strong optimism for my future in high school - things are going to go smoothly but it looks like things had started to fall apart during the course of the year.  Of course, it is puberty and the hormone changes, but the beginning of 7th  grade marks the end of childhood and a beginning of a new life - the teenage life.  At the beginning of 7th grade I was liked, but I started to become more and more odd.  I started my transition to puberty right at the beginning of 7th grade and things started to fall apart.

7th grade was sort of the awkward transitional period but I was still well liked during that period.  I did go through 7th grade pretty smoothly and it was one of these years nothing seem to happen. I know this is a decade ago and a lot of 7th grade was wiped from my memory, but it started to come back when I am invited to this Halloween party.

The early part of 7th grade I went to a school dance - it was a different form of music I didn't care for and the different style of dancing that I did not get the concept of.  I was sort of a flop at that school dance; which I was pretty awesome at but I did not get this new style of music.  I was a weird style of music but it seems like that style of music was hip-hop, which was popular during the 1990s and that time.  Then I went to the Halloween party and it was so-so.  I was a flop at that party too.  I was sort of a dud.  I don't remember lots of 7th grade but it was a time for change - it looks like 7th grade I wanted to hang on to childhood while the rest are moving on to the teenage life.  It was a new lifestyle I did not get the concept of.  But the teenage lifestyle was not something that I expected to be - I thought it was a 1950s style lifestyle where you go to the prom, etc.  I have been told about in school that teenagers did things that they were not supposed to do.

I started to adjust to the teenage life around the end of 8th grade, but I haven't really gotten into it about 10th grade.  I had spent a lot more of the teenage  life during the college years than the high school years.

Fast forward the clock- now it is 2013 and I am at a similar scenario to 7th grade.  7th grade was a end of an era and a new beginning, which this year is an end of a era and a new beginning as well.  Ten years has passed - ten years of awkwardness has passed and now I am experiencing a similar pattern as 7th grade, but not in a falling apart nature, but in a improving nature.

I had a very optimistic view about the teenage world in elementary school - high school was something to look forward too and it was going to be fun.  The only things that I was worried about 7th grade was 2 things - being forced to take a shower in the 7th grade PE class and then having a vaccination.  But when I got there - I didn't know there was a transitional period from the "playa" era I had in elementary school to the quiet, awkward period of the teenage years.  Of course, the teenage years were not that bad but I am starting  to get this transition again in 2013.  At the beginning of the year was a dark and hopeless view of the future, but in reality, things are very brightening.  It has been a progressive era and then, out of the blue, I am invited to another Halloween party, exactly 10 years apart from the 7th grade. This sounds like a random occurrence but I am starting to show hope for the future.  This party that I am going is going to be a mark of something - another new dawn of a new era.  I seen a very brightening outlook each week - opportunities come every week and problems are solved, instead of the formation of new problems that happened during the 7th grade year.   It has been a long 10 years and it was pretty tough, but there is a period of new hope coming in the horizon.

Now, the current condition shows that many things from my past are inexistent.  A lot of people from my hometown will not even know me anymore - there are even different businesses than there was 10 years ago.  7th grade was the last time my grandparents were in good condition - now they are all gone and my family is starting to fall apart and starting to go in there own ways.  I am in a different time - a different era.  Maybe it is time to move on.  It is a fresh new beginning - a fresh start.  I have been holding on to a past that has frittered away.

Happy moments are to come

It looks like I have been having some good times lately, and I have a feeling that more good times are going in the future.  The good times I am having are part way due to me just simply having my problems solved - I just go right to a solution instead of just letting the problem bottle up - I realize that having my problems bottle up will cause more problems.

I think I have been learning a lot of lessons and I am starting to grow up - I have been opening up in the last month or two, and I have been having good results.  I have been living a life that I have been initiating myself - I have been doing this myself with a boost from other people.  I have developed a great support group that I text message, helping me through the problems in life and starting to save stress on my family.  I am starting to grow up and starting to accept things.

Of course, there is some growing up to do and there are some flaws, but there has been some improvement about every week.  I have been pushing through many conflicts that I have been pushing through before - about 2-3 times this year, I felt like I was about to lose control, but I kept it under control and I have bounced back.  The last week was an emotional roller coaster ride with a lot of stress and I was having a tough time, but at least I had people that was ready to back me up and by the end of the week, I was having a very fun time back to normal.  I think it was an attitude change that did it too.

In the next month or so, I am still going to change, and many things are going to happen.  I think in the school world I am going to be doing classes where I am actually going to get my hands dirty; I will have a sense of power and control.  For my age, I am going to be pretty cool doing things that many older people will be doing - that will gain a lot of self confidence and status.  I am going to be starting to do things that will be pretty cool for my age - something that is very impressive and influential.  I could be pretty cool!!  I am starting to prove myself that I could be very cool and respected if I want too.  I had spent a summer in the underground, but now I am going to be having classes that will make me very cool once I am done.  I am taking organizational behavior and I would be doing some pretty sweet things - things that will be a help to the community and a social status climber at a very young age.  My status will explode in the future - I am going to skyrocket in coolness - just wait - I am going to be awesome!!!  I am not giving myself a pep talk but I am going to be realizing what is coming in the horizon.  I am feeling a sense of optimism of what is going to be happening in the future - I had learned my lesson and things are going to be brightening.

Six months has passed without any grandparents

Six months has passed without any grandparent and my life has changed drastically.  Shortly  after my grandpa died, I lost my ability to drive during the summer time which forced me to ride a bike.  I got around but I did not have that much freedom and my world was very limited, but I got to see the world at a closer level.  I was starting to take a look at the smaller businesses and comb through the town instead of going to the obvious locations - they are many things that are good in the underground than the mainstream, in your face.  Of course, the mainstream in your face is good and it is trustable, but I am starting to see what the more mousier end of the town looks like.

I didn't mind the limited lifestyle but I was getting pretty lonely and there was nobody around that I can relate too.  Everyone has gone their own direction and I was starting to see that on the internet.  I was starting to realize that everyone else is going their own direction; why don't I go my own direction, and I was thinking, what direction should I go?  Everyone is starting to mind their own business and they are in their own world - it looks like everyone else has found their own nest except for me.

My family was gone and all the other relatives are going their own directions - they have found their own families.  My parents have their own hobbies and interests, and I am not really interested in the same path as they are - I rather do other things but you can't change these people.

I go back to the college and I am expecting the roommates to be something that is "spoon fed" and I will like.  They are in their own direction which gives me this sense of loneliness.  It looks like I am having a sense of loneliness because all the people that I know and loved have left me and they are going their own direction, and I feel very lonely indeed.  Eventually, after a few prompts, I have been told that I need to go my own direction myself because everyone else is going their own direction - there is nobody that is built in anymore.  I feel like I don't fit and I am starting to find my nest - where will my new nest be - the new home.  The old has passed by and the new is starting to come in - I got to find out where this should be.

I have been told that this day is going to come and I am going to dread this.  I have been fearing this "real world" because of isolation and loss of connection - where do I fit into this world.  I have no clue.  I have been told that I have been going through this same pattern and not seem to want to get out of it, and I can see this by the purchases that I make with my own money.  I  blew my money on things such as clothes, music, etc. just to fit into a certain group and nobody seems to care anymore.  I have bought myself digital toys such as  computers, Smart TV, and a cell phone, but they had the same function.  The cell phone was the best thing I bought so far - it had a bill but expanded my social life which is a very good investment.  It looks like a lot of things that I am buying just were little "bandages" to make myself feel better, not just to fix the problem itself.

I have been told that I had my "head in the clouds" - no real goals or dreams or anything like that.  I was not thinking about where I was going to fit in the world and the day is going to come.  I am getting the reality check that I can't be this person anymore - everyone is moving on with their life and I am going to be falling behind, making me more and more depressed.  Everyone is moving in their own direction and I haven't really found my direction, and I did not really care.  Everyone is starting to drift away and eventually the home that I was comfortable with is not going to be home anymore.  My friends that I used to like in high school are in their own world now and they expect me to be in my own world.  I can't be wandering around, alone, trying to find a direction in life and holding on to the past, or this same person.  I better change. I was starting to realize that I am not as cool anymore to everyone - I am just an autonomous human being like anyone else that should be doing their thing like anyone else - I am not that special anymore.  Maybe I have been having this feeling that I was "special" and I am not special like anyone else.

I should start having a direction - start having a goal.  What will make me feel special? 

A time of loneliness and realization

Last summer was one of the more lonely summer and I was starting to realize the truth.  It looks like everyone is moving on and I haven't moved on - I wanted to stay the same but I realize that being the same is not going to work out.  Last summer I was isolated in a way - it looks like I did not have a car since it was being fixed, and all my grandparents were gone.  I was in my own world and I did not appreciate the world around me - I didn't really focus on the people around me and I was searching for people to connect with.  It was lonely - there was nobody around even though there were people around me - but in my mind I did not want to get to know these people and I was cynical about the people  around me.  I was searching for some opportunity, but it seems like it was a failure.

I had a sample - I was looking for places with young people and it looks like the young people have been long gone.  Where are all the young people?  It looks like I was full of a world of older people and I didn't seem to fit - they were in their own world and I was in my own world.  I was starting to see my friends are starting to become parents and I am starting to fall behind - I was riding a bike all around town in this limited world and I had to be chauffered back and forth all the time.  It was like I was a 13 year old in a 22 year old body, which feels awkward.  It looks like my sense of freedom was slipped away since I did not value driving - something that I take for granted.  The apartments barely had any people in there - there was a select few people and I did not care to get to know them. I did not work on getting to know the people in my college classes during the summer because I was older.  I had to do an interview for an assignment and I had a hard time finding people.

The cell phone was the magical solution but I was only using it for internet access and not text messaging.  My text messages were just advertisements from my carrier and I only used the phone to call my mom.  It looks like I was in that lonely world and I was starting to get depressed.  I was cynical about the world around me and I thought there was something wrong with me, even though there was nothing wrong with me.

I just wanted certain people to care for me - I was probably obsessed with being cool or something like that, and I didn't realize that people close by really cared for me very much, but I haven't really cared for them back.  They were just not cool enough and I didn't really know.  It was a dark and lonely summer - I was riding around in circles going nowhere - once I started school again in the fall, I did not have spoon fed roommates.  I had sat in my room with some sort of realization - I don't want to sit alone and then I decided to go outside.  I guess this is what I got.  I went in that school and there were thousands of people to meet, and I was still confused - I guess this is what I got.  It has taken a while until the great realization, and I am starting to realize it right now - maybe I should just put up with what I got.

I have been having this sense of isolation and I really don't know why.  It must be my mindset - probably I was looking for the perfect person that does not exist.  I am probably looking for something that don't exist out there. I probably didn't care what existed out there.  It must be something that is whacked out in my mind that makes me cynical but eventually I started to see what is there.  I guess you have to put up with what you got.

I think I was spending a lot more time in my inner world than my outer world - it looks like I was trying to find out things about myself and it looks like I was going nowhere.  Maybe I really don't know myself and I haven't really found myself that much.   I am starting to focus on my outer world - maybe it is time to focus on the outer world and of other people's lives instead of the inner world - I want to show that I care for people.  I think it is a time for change.  I am undergoing my transition right now and the transition is going good - I am getting ackward thoughts once in a while. I am not sure if I want to try this - I am afraid of that other people.

I had a hard time moving on - I wanted things to remain the same and I wanted things in my comfort zone.  I don't know what caused the transition  -maybe there was things I needed to figure out.  I think I lacked trust in people - they were out the get me - there was something they didn't really liked but I think I am going to change my attitude.  I think maybe people in general are not bad anymore - I just lack trust but I wanted to connect.  I think I wanted to explore the new world but I was in a bottleneck.  I think it is time for me to care for other people.

I keep getting these ackward moments in my life - but hopefully I am going to get out of it.  I am going on the right path and I don't want anyone to leave me too.

The good times are coming

In the last month or so, I have been having the time of my life.  Even though there is some sort of emotional conflict, it seems like the conflict seems to be solved and things seem to work out.  I have this feeling of pessimism about many things, and I have this feeling that I am going down this same path in the future, but it looks like things seem to work out better than they think. It looks like things seem to go better when I relax and let things take care of themselves.

I have been down a bumpy ride and I have been through my doubts.  I had this lonely feeling in the last few years even though they were nice people that were right next to me.  I was trying to have the cool friends, etc. which may not exist, but maybe I should get the reality that these people do not exist in the real world.  I have been living a fantasy.  This fantasy has been causing a lot of depression but actually when I relax, the fantasy has become a reality.

It looks like I can make any fantasy a reality when I relax a little bit - just chill a bit and live one day at the time.  I know it is a easy concept, and something that I did in childhood.  When I started school on kindergarten, I didn't know anyone and I didn't care - they I meet somebody who was there because he or she was a kid.  There was no discrimination with race, color, sexual orientation, gender, socioeconomic status, etc. all the rhetoric in college.  But when we get older, we understand our differences and it starts to fall apart.  The first thing is the obvious and it is gender - boys and girls are meet to be together, even though they are difference, but there is a separation of boys and girls that started on the playground. Then about 3rd grade, you are starting to realize the difference between income level - there is the cool kids and the not cool kids.  This class system is starting to realize divisions.  Then you have interests - you have the jocks and the non-jocks, the nerds, the rednecks, the goths, the emo - these divisions make the world complicated  and unfair.  By the time you are in high school, the same people you know in kindergarten are not the same.  In kindergarten you didn't care, but when you get into high school, you'll probably never talk to this person because they like a certain style of music, a certain brand of clothing, or even a certain sports team.  It looks like everyone is in the pickle jar, causing a lot of stress.

When our minds get more and more advanced, we are starting to think in divisions - our world is not made out of divisions.  There must be a blessing when my iPod just become shot - the iPod symbolizes that I need to have a certain style of music to attract somebody - nobody cares.  It might be a lot simpler to be friends with everyone, just like you start in kindergarten.  Life will be easier if we break the walls.  College makes you aware of people's differences and to celebrate their differences - the rhetoric is good, but it looks like you are causing more and more divisions since the more you learn about somebody else, the more pickled jarred you are. This pickle jarred lifestyle of high school makes things very complicated.

This pickled jarred lifestyle causes a lot of stress - a sense of community is what we need, that we are all in the same group.  Something that will bond people together and usually during the time of crisis, we tend to stick together a lot more.  Friendship will become a lot more important.  It looks like friendship has been a lot more important; anyone in their own world is not cool.  The Great Recession and 9/11 had made us stick together a lot more - we are starting to have a common bond and a common goal.  We don't care - we are all in the same boat together and it seems to work out.

This is something that is starting to value more and more - being connected with one another.  A lot of people are valuing this - being social is what you need to do - a feeling of a sense of belonging.  I can be in my own world but I am starting to become weird - this internal philosophy is starting to mess me up, to get me more depressed.  It looks like I am a lot happier when I am connected with somebody.

It looks like I am starting to outgrow a lot of my self-centered ways.  I think it might to come to age or I am starting to realize the truth - I have been missing out on a lot of things because of I haven't been really connecting with other people - I do desire to connect with people but it looks like I am in my internal world. This internal world thing has been making me messed up - dreaming up things that don't need to be dreamed up while things seemed to be a lot settled than we think we are.

It looks like I am in a bittersweet period about the fear of losing my friendships and connections.  I have got to know them but I am going to lose them - but things seem to turn out different.

The new book

I have been keeping a diary for a few years, trying to keep track of my life.  But instead of finishing the year, it just decided to end at that certain point - October 17, 2013.  There must be something about October 17, 2013 - this sounds like a last day of something.  That day seems like an ordinary day, but there might be a significant point on that day or maybe the period around October 17, 2013.  The new book begins today on October 18, 2013 and it looks like there might be a purpose - maybe it is a time to start fresh.  New book, new lease on life - it is time to start fresh and maybe change my ways.

I can see the time in the previous diary was chaos and confusion, but things seem to look pretty  fun around October of this year.  There was a lot of storming around; a lot of thought but there must be something that supposed to end on October 17, 2013.  I went back to a high school football game on October 16 and it was one of my big sports rivalries - I got cold and I was not that interested - it was something that was "who cares", at least it is entertainment.  I got other things on my mind.  I had the 4G on my smartphone and I was spending time browsing the Web instead of watching football - something that was confined to my home when I was in high school that was attached to a dial-up connection - now I got access to 4G and I can use the Web anywhere.  In this place full of people, I did not know them and I was starting to look at the internet, and then I was reading my old publication of the school paper.  It was a different era and it was a comparison to something that we were taking so seriously - doesn't this really matter.  It is just entertainment and in the reality - doesn't it really matter.  I had a different thing on my mind at my time - something that was more important than what is surrounding me and even that - doesn't it really matter.

It looks like I am starting to accept my life over there and I am starting to move on - I had moved on and I shouldn't look back.  I am a different person now - about 5 years ago I was going nuts about this but now it is doesn't it really matter.  I was more worried about a different issue - what is going on with the government default than the game - I was checking the news.  It looks like I am maturing .

But really if I think about it - doesn't it really matter.  But it looks like all the chaos and confusion I went through ended out on the same day to help somebody and somebody that I wanted to help.  I had lots of wisdom and I am starting to spread my wisdom to somebody else.  I probably have something that was going on with my mind.

It looks like the chaos and confusion was starting to die out and it looks like things are going to go a different direction.  The book ends  about October 17, 2013 - some random date.  A month ago I was different - my view has changed in a month.  I had changed a lot in a month.  Now it looks like I have to start another book and it is not the predictable new years day, new beginning book - it looks like it is ending at a odd ball time in the book.  I have to get another book to keep track of another chapter of my life.  It may seem like another head up your butt day and I have to write a report for college - but this report might start  getting to me think about the realities of life.  This time period might be a time period about the realities of life - time is changing.  I had changed a lot since about the beginning of the year - it is the same era but a different era.  The summer was kind of a quiet era - but it was a reality check.  It was  pretty lonely and I was searching around for an outlet, but it looks like there was somebody that was in your face that likes me and supports me, but I was in my  own world searching. I was combing the world with a bike and starting to realize I can see what is going on with a bike than a car - I can explore the world at a closer level.

Now I am sitting on this computer and listening to music - this sounds like a random end, but there might be a new significance.  This sounds like an ending and a new beginning.  Or it looks like we are moving to a new beginning. Maybe I am realizing the truth - what is truly happening.  I am listening to the song Crossroads by Bone Thugz and Harmonies when I am writing this.  This might be some inspiration to this.  Something is happening like it is a transition and the transition is gradually happening over in a course of a month and it looks like not much is changing.  I think it is a clearer mind or somebody is guiding me.

There are probably going to be more and more happening.  Gotta see what happens.

A new chapter is approaching

I have been keeping a diary this year and I have been writing down the events that happened for each day.  It seems like the events seem mediocre from day to day, but you can have a bigger picture of what is happening in your life.  These small details in life seem to be boring, but if you clump these details into something bigger, things  seem to have a pattern.  Of course, you have the usual routine and repetition that you have, but actually too much routine and repetition starts to make thing boring and you don't progress in life.

Each day has a purpose and each day has something that develops into a longer goal - the longer goal I don't know unless I look back and then things seem to make sense.  You have a reason for the events that happen in that order, and I believe that these events in this order for a reason.  I should bless myself about each day - even though some days are dull, there are some reason and some purpose for that day.  I was destined to wake up during that day for a purpose.

It looks like the drudgery events that I go through - the events I regret at the beginning are actually experiences that are needed for a good thing in the future.  There might be a reason why I am encountering with these people and meeting these people at that certain time - every encounter that I make do have a purpose.  I do enjoy the purpose for each day - each day does have a purpose.

Now I am getting older and it is time for me to show the world what I know and what I got - I might have a lot of expertise and wisdom on many things I regret from experiences - a lot of the wisdom that I got might be used to show somebody that I care for them.  Now I am focusing myself on somebody else's world instead of my own world - I could just imagine living in this person's world and I realize that some people have it pretty tough and some have it pretty good.  I am realizing how lucky I am really am with some of the most basic things you need such as decent food to eat and a roof over my head, along with a comfortable temperature to live in.  These things cost money and I have to earn these things, which makes me appreciate them - it is not all a given.  Nothing is a given - there is some exchange.  Everything has an exchange and not everything is one sided.

I am starting to realize the truth and things are going to get better.  Each day is going to have a purpose and I am wondering the purpose.  The most regrettable moments might be the most grateful moments if you think about it.  Usually after the most tragic, something good happens.  A good example is the  9/11 attacks, which was one of the most tragic days in US history - it was almost the end, we were doomed, but actually we were not.  The 9/11 attacks after the tragedy was even a good thing.  Although many people died, this started to get people to group together and bring the country together - the country was a  community, a whole.  December 21, 2012 was a scare for the whole world to end and everyone was preparing and waiting for this date - when the date  came, nothing happened except there was a  lot of community - it brought people together because of a common fear.  This irrational fear made us realize something - be afraid of your own death because you never know - live life as it comes.  We have been afraid of our own death and you can't predict your own death - it just happens.  It will come when it least expected.  A lot of things are like that.

A rapid change in one month

After the dark and cruel summer of 2013, it was starting to become very brightening for me.  I had changed rapidly in one month and I am going to change some more, at a very rapid pace in the next few months.  Look at how much I have progressed from the beginning of the year - my expectations were to have a very lonely and dark year like last year, but it looks like things are starting to brighten as the future moves forward.  It looks like each day I want to revert to the darker, more  colder side of me - there is a battle and that battle is being fought.  The darker colder side of me should be eradicated - I have progressed so much with a different side a me - a side of me that people seem to like.

The darker side of me rooted back in the teenage years.  I had a very brightening outlook for teenage years but the darker side come through.  I don't know what is happening but about the 7th-8th grade, there was a turn around.  8th grade was a quiet year for me but really it was a time to think things through.  I gotten a lot more outgoing during the older part of my teenage years, but the realities of life was starting to set through that requires a lot of thinking.  According to my mom, during my teenage years, I was going through a lot of experiences that require lots of growing up and thought.  I have been exposed to the realities of life a lot earlier than the teenagers - I was starting to realize the reality of death and that is something that happens to all of us. At the end of our life, we are going through the process and that is a very saddening process of us decaying until we die and move on to the next life.  I am a pretty religious person and I believe there is actually some type of path that is mapped out in our life and I am always trying to figure out the path that is mapped out in my life.

I have been exposed a lot to the realities of the aging and the dying process, and I have been exposed a lot to the imperfections of people, especially with people that have mental illnesses.  I have been seeing people that are not too bright and are trying to survive in the world.  I have seen a similar affect to people with Alzheimers and dementia and you have to treat the same people without being too bright.

I have been having many philosophies develop in my life that is based on life experiences - some  have to deal with divorce and a messed up family, which will shape them.  I have experienced the stable family life fantasy but I have underappreciated it.  I had enough of this caring for the sick elderly people - they are my grandparents and my grandparents who have cared for me but they had expected to be cared for in return - I have not appreciated it and I have taken this life for granted.  I thought that was a grind that was boring - it was starting to become a chore.  I can see many things I have been getting sick and tired of too.  I didn't mind the stable family life but I thought it was too strict and it had too many standards - I wanted to have more freedom.  But the caring for elderly have kept me out of trouble - it has been a very good preventive measure to keep me sane and away from kids that might be a bad influence for me. But at the same time, I did enjoy seeing my grandparents but I did not want to see my grandparents fall apart.

I also been sick of babysitting the weird and the dumb.  I am sit of babysitting a bunch of people anyway.  I wanted to be me and not to be a slave to somebody else's life.  Of course, it is nice to care for the elderly and the people that are disabled, but it looks like it was a life path that  I was not that interested in, but I have an understanding for it.  This elderly stuff started to have my idea about older people as people that are senile and losing it, and at one time grandma and grandpa was rewarding.  I was expected to grow up and to take care of the elderly during the teenage years - but I also was starting to get a different view about life during the dying process.  Each person has contributed a lot in their life - they had done their own thing.  I know I have to contribute to something but I don't know what.

My philosophy on life was starting to be changed - I didn't wanted to be caring for the elderly.  I didn't like caring for the not too bright. I was sick and tired of being this babysitter.  But I love caring for animals like a cat that is fun and I will care for somebody if I want to.  I think the message is going to come through someday and I am starting to get the message.  The people cared for me but I have taken this for granted.  There is something that I should know to care for other.  I didn't know much about the caring for the elderly and the sick - that was something that was a learning experience throughout my teenage years to understand the realities of life - this is going to happen to all of us. This is something that happens in old age but it could be accelerated with the choices you make - something that starts even in your teenage years.

Yeah this was something that I was so sick and tired of, and I was starting to take everything for granted.  I didn't know what  I can do to care for others and I am expected to do that.  Maybe some of the most simple things I can do to care for others.  I wanted to have things without giving much in return - I was this person that wanted to have things given to me without giving anything back.  I don't know what I can give back and what I can do to give things back.  There must be even the most simplest things I can do that give things back.  I am realizing that how the world works - it is a 2 sided connection.  The heart -the symbol for love is basically 2 persons created into one and it is all connected with each other.  This 2 sidedness actually connects everything into one unity and that is how many things work.  I don't know how I can send my energy back.

Even with one of the most destructive powers of the universe - a black hole, almost all energy is sucked into, including light.  But we have this radiation and that radiation is a giver - probably a gift to something; possibly new life. This radiation is energy - even the most destructive, doomsday powers have a purpose - this sucking in energy will be giving for new energy which is new life.  It is 2 sided.   It looks like I have been sucking in all the love and care that I receive, but I was expecting more and more.  I should show some love too.

The cell phone - my lifeline

One of my best investments I have made is a cell phone - not just any cell phone, but a Samsung Galaxy smartphone and it has been one of the best investments I have ever made.  My parents did not give me a cell phone; they just give me a Tracphone which was a not cool cell phone.  My parents did not care for my social life at all - they wanted me to be isolated from everyone else - they think this modern way of communication is strange and you have to do it the old fashioned way by calling - who calls anymore.  Now we are in the digital era and my parents are dinosaurs in the digital era - they don't even get the concept of the many new technologies of the internet such as Facebook and they still have a 90s era philosophy of the internet - it is for eBay.  They are baffled by this modern form of communication does seem to work out with the younger generation - Generation Y and Z.

My parents did not like this high tech communication world - they think it is a teenage punk rebellion thing but actually people their age are taking advantage of this modern form of communications. I always thought they were just out of touch with technology and didn't care - I think they hated computers.

I had bought this smartphone with my own money and it has changed my life in many ways - even my parents are starting to become pleased with this investment they had made.  This smartphone has opened up my social world and it has become the greatest investment that I had ever made so far.  This was one of the first mature investments I had made and it was a great responsibility - I pay about $90 a month and it is worth every penny.  I used to spend my money on iTunes and it did not benefit me a bit - but now this smartphone is the best investment.  Every time I pay for this smartphone, I have realize that I earn my social life - it has a value to it and it is going to change my life for good.  I use this smartphone by text to find out what is actually going on - I negotiate conflicts with my friends and get my problem solved with my friends - my parents are actually relieved when I get my problems solved.  I barely use the iPod - I had downloaded less and less music and this $200 has been a waste of garbage that should of been bought on a iPhone.  I could use a Google Play account and downloaded music on my Android, but I got the 4G data plan where I can stream music like a radio which I don't need to download.  This modern age of technology has been a lifeline.

The Android that I have bough ten has everything - data so I can look things up, applications, check ins, text messaging - everything that I need and it is a lifeline, along with the calling function.  The traditional calling function I don't use but I do text a lot - keeping in touch with my friends and developing connection in between them.  This has been opening up my world and it has been the best investment that I had made.

My world has progressively changed since I got this phone and that phone, even though my mom thought I was crazy, she is starting to think this thing was a blessing.  I proudly pay for that Android - better than any other social crutch that I have.  The iPod was not cool - Playstations are not cool - you are a nerd.  Video games are not cool but this Android system is cool.

The next thing that I have underestimated the value of but my dad thinks is the ticket to the social world is the car.  My dad is a huge car nut but there is a value to it  - the car will take you places and paying for gas in this car, along with the phone, will let you have access to the many people that you meet.  He drives around and socializes with the car - he thinks the car is the ticket and the car shows status as much as the cell phone does for me.  The traditional view of status with the car roots back to the 1950s and it still does today, in the age of the new millennium.  He has this view that the car is a conversation piece, it is your lifeline, and it always works.  I had rode a bike around, took a taxi - not the same as having a car because it is freedom.  Smartphones let you have freedom if you use it right. He thinks the car used as status is still relevant to the modern age of 2013 hitting on 2014 and not really something as far back as 1957.

The value of friendship

There is something that is simple that I have taken for granted the most: friends.  Of course, everyone likes to have friends for entertainment but I am realizing that friends are needed at a different level - survival, especially when you get older and older.  Of course, you can rely on your family for support and that is what I have been doing for all these years - relying on my family for support and not really valuing the true meaning of friendship.

I had this idea that friends were people that you just "hang around with" and shared a common interests.  But now I am getting a different idea of friendship after I lost all my grandparents.  My grandparents are all gone and the ties that my family has have disappeared when all my grandparents had disappeared.  Family is something that I have been valuing too much and the day has come - sooner than I think that all the people in my family has disappeared and the family is not the same anymore.

I had this feeling of loneliness - I am truly independent and my family has been starting to fritter away.  I only have my parents and they are going in their own direction as well.  Without family, I started to have a closer bond with my parents, especially with my mom than ever before.  I had become more attached to my mom because of fear and she wanted some independence.  I had this idea that I could become even closer and closer to the family, and my parents are having enough.  I am not going anywhere and they think I needed social independence.

I did not realize the true meaning of friendship until about now - maybe I have been taking friends for granted.  Friends are not just people you just "hang out" with and have your family - friends are somebody at a different level.  I am starting to have this feeling of loneliness and even my roommates have been going a different direction.  I rely on my parents for support with something that I don't value.

I am starting to realize why we need friends - this is something for survival.  I am starting to realize the value of friendship and friendships are two sided.  I was very one sided with many things, but after a year, I am starting to realize the value of friendship and connections.  Family is not going to do it and a lot of stress is created on the family because of the lack of value of friendship.  It is time for social maturity that I haven't really figured out yet.

When I approached the darker moments of my life, I have realized the reason why people need friends.  We need friends for our survival.  I am starting to realize without the connections, my life would be dangerous.  I need friends not just for entertainment - it might be down to the value of safety and survival.

I have bought a smartphone - not just to fit in but I am realizing the value of this device and having connections and contacts.  They helped me in many ways that I never helped before.  My family  is starting to fritter away and they are going into their directions - I haven't valued this lesson that the people nearby you are here to help you, even though they may not be in the right clique or anything like that.  I have realized that I need people for survival and my loss of connections results in my fear in the world.

I realized that everyone I know is starting to go their own direction, my family was starting to go away, and I have nobody to suck onto.  I needed connections and in this dark lonely world, it is hard to get connections. I underestimated the value that there are people around me.  I started to realize that is hard to survival.

The concept of give and take that keeps friendships going was something I didn't value until I need it.  People need their help and everyone has their own things to help each other.  I had a hard time realizing that other people needed my help as much as I do, and probably more than I do.  It looks like I might have some knowledge and wisdom to actually give some help to other people.

People need help when they are sick for instance and you have a lack of family.  You can suffer or you can actually rely on "friends" to help you when ill.  Lets say a person is stuck in the ditch - a friend could pull you out.  We have services for the "friendless" people but isn't it easier for you to find a friend than to spend some extra money.  You are just simply ridiculed when you use these services because of the lack of friendship.

Some people can survive more without friends - maybe I had the idea that I didn't need friends as much because I have it all figured out but I really didn't - I am dumb.  I did not value the idea of friendship as somebody to help you - my concept was somebody to make me more desirable - I had family to help you.  I did not need many friends.  But now I realized the concept why we need other people - both male and female, for friends.

I am starting to realize - I need to find other people for my survival.

A clearer picture

I am starting to get a lot clearer picture of what is truly going on here and I am starting to see that with the roommates that I am having.  I have great expectations of having these "spoon feed" kids that I always wanted but actually I am starting to realize that this is a fantasy and not a reality.  I am starting to have a clearer picture of what is going on in general.

I usually get people that I don't care for and I am starting to get cynical - why do I get these people.  What is with people these days?  I started in the high school and I have this view - what is with people these days, especially with the youth these days.  They are plain weird and they need to shape up.

I am getting the duds but this time I am not going to let them stop me - this time I am going to stand up.  I am getting sick and tired of these people.  I am sick and tired of these lazy people that just sit around and play video games and have no life - they should get a life.  I am getting sick and tired of these whiny people. Of course, I get whiny but it most likely I have been too "nice" for a long time, and I need to start getting a lot less nice and start standing up for what is right and what I believe in instead of letting them push me around.  I had a thing about these people ever since high school - they needed to get a good butt chewing.  Of course, there is a high culture of these people and I seem to get these people and I know they are not cool.

The internet has taken over our lives and I had to admit, I have been spending a lot more time in the cyber world and not in the real world trying to find myself.  The cyber world has been an escape; a crutch but the cyber world is now changing.  I seen that the culture ever since I started college I have been having the same people and I am not remotely near these people.  It must be some sort of emo-geeky culture that I don't seem to care for.  Of course, some nerd things are not bad - we do have sort of a dork in us.  Comic books are cool; superheroes are cool; they are a great escape and a lot of people do enjoy these things.  Great entertainment; better than 90% of all entertainment.  But some of these stuff is plain weird - I don't care for Harry Potter; I don't care for Twilight.  The Hunger Games - eh, it is okay. Lord of the Rings - eh.  This must be the culture that was common during the 90s and 2000s, or it could be a subculture, or it could be the culture of the 21st century.

There might be a time of innocence and maybe some of these alternative stereotypes such as nerd, gamer, emo, scene is a predictor of future trends.  The scene kid - I have a feeling that sounds like a emerging fad of what is going to be cool in the '10s and '20s. The 1950s culture was very innocent and a new modern culture might be emerging from the scene kid/nerd that will be the fads in the '20s.  I might be old - this might be the contemporary emerging trends that are popular in the 21st century.  The time of innocence is starting to emerging and I should look into the fads of the dork - that will be the cool in the next 10 or 20 years.  This was going on in the 1930s - the 1930s was just a continuation of the culture that was common since about 1900.  You had the vauldeville culture, which was something that was edgy and alternative around the 1900s - that culture has become mainstream by the 1920s and '30s.  Jazz music was alternative  in the 1910s and then it eventually became what you do by the 1930s.  But there was an alternative scene during the 1950s called the beatnik that led to the hippie, which was the standard of the '60s and '70s, and during the '70s, the roots of the '80s and '90s were taking place.  During the '90s and '2000s, there must be something that is in the underground; the emerging that is going to be the norm of the '10s and the '20s.

Hip-hop is on the way out and there must be an emerging scene take place - I should explore the emerging scene.  I think what was cool for scene kids in the 2000s will be the fads in the '20s.  Something is emerging.

What am I made to do?

I am starting to think about and it is my time in my life...what I am made to do?  There is a whole new journey ahead of me and I am made to do something, and I am made for someone, but I don't know who and what.  It looks like there is a world out of open exploration.

When I enter the world - I eventually would have to get a significant amount of money.  This amount of money will be used for me to enter the world and start to find out who and what I am.  There is a lot of exploration out there and I haven't really got my feet wet.  When I get out in the world, I'll have to find many things such as who should I marry, where should I live, what I like to do in my spare time.  There is a brand new identity.

There is a lot of change and I think it is time for me to start developing myself as a person.  I have been asleep at the wheel for a long time but it is time for me to start finding myself - I got some money and I barely spend it, but I think I should do some self exploration. I think I am going to find myself  through other people and relationships.  I think relationships are a way for me to come to life - friendships and romantic relationships will really help me find me who I am.  It is time to change - do I really want to go back to this old person because this old person of mine is not that great.  I spend too much time listening to music and browsing the internet instead of actually facing the world and trying new things.  The internet is pretty boring and not really for entertainment as it is for information.

I think I should try to find out what path I want to go and it looks like I am having ideas of what paths I want to go.  I want to be pretty cool and have things pretty cool.   Back in high school, I went through spells where I was pretty cool and not cool.  I was pretty cool with certain kids - a certain group of kids thought I was pretty cool and they probably knew me through family; not just through the actually think I was pretty cool.  But now in the college, I have to promote myself - I don't have the family ties or the neighborhood/geographical location to make myself pretty cool; I have to do it myself and it is by physical appearance, etc.  I have to do things myself and to put myself out there - I have to market myself.  I think I need to promote myself and let myself be known a lot more - be exposed - it is selling.  They are complete strangers and I do like the familiar, built in thing.  I need to change my image a little bit.  I know I can do this.  I should have a fantasy of what I am going to be and I am going to be that way.

I think I have to show the world what I want and I have ideas - I should show it.  It is in my face and there is some things I have to change about me.  Marketing myself is what I need to do...I tend to be this shy person but when I am shy and whiny, I am going to get shy and whiny.  I don't really pay much attention to things such as posture, clothing style, attitude, and interests, but that is going to be the way to get known. I got to sell myself a lot better and we are in a world where we do have to sell ourselves and to make ourselves more desirable.  We are not as accepting to everyone - everyone is different.

I think it is good for me to start marketing myself a little bit more.  I gotta market myself to want a relationship, etc.

Change in my world is coming

Every week, I am approaching the end of an era and a beginning of a new era.  I think this year is going to be a preview of a start of a new era - a peaceful start of a new era.  I have been changing a lot in the last month or so - more than I did than last summer or even last winter.  I have been progressively changing in another person.

Last year was a year of chaos and crisis - it wasn't a good year.  From getting my car smashed up to going to the hospital for passing out to having roommates that were just plain weird, I had it tough.  That year was a good lesson but this year seems to be change for the better.

But now I am going to think of the future - my mindset is going to be different in the future during every month and every week.  By about Christmas time I am going to have a different mindset and probably by about spring I am going to have a different mindset.  Things are going to stick together.

It has been mapped out by God...I am going to make it and please give me the skills.  A lot of the skills that I need is valued by something that I needed for granted - relationships.

Relationships was something that I brushed off but they are important.  They are not just for entertainment but survival - it was very lonely last summer without many connections.  I can't just rely on family to get me through things.  I am  losing my family - actually I lost all my grandparents and I have spent about 6 months without any grandparents - it was a lonely feeling but it is time to distance myself for my family and starting to find other people to rely on.  I need a larger support network - friendships are not just for just yucking around - they are people that dig you out in the snow, help you when you go to the hospital, bringing your car keys.  I have saved a car key problem by text message and meet me at a certain place...working out.  I have been taking this for granted and the people near me for granted - I am probably not going back to my old ways if I want my new ways.

I have been thinking about my inner world for a long time but the inner world is not cool anymore.  Nobody seems to care anymore - it looks like we are connected more with the outer world than the inner world right now.  Community is a big importance and it looks like we are starting to get more connected in our isolated social world.  The internet made us more connected with friends and family than ever before - pretty much Facebook is where you are seeing what is going on with other people.   Of course, we are worried about what people thinks and you seem to be depressed when you are not measuring up with the other people.  The inner world is not that exciting - I have been trying to find my inner self while letting everything else slip away in the outer world. People are not caring about your inner views anymore - the group and conformity is what is going to be the norm.  Finding your own philosophy on life does make you weird since you are living on the same world.  The one thing that we find equal - no matter who you are - no matter your race, color, sexual orientation, religion, etc. is the air we breathe.   We all need oxygen to survive and that is something that has equality - the same molecules you are breathing in are probably shared by Julius Caesar, Napoleon, King Henry VIII, the  Pope, Beethoven, the president,   and Michael Jackson along with your cat at the same time.  We need air and water to survive, which are the basic elements that have no divisions.   These divisions are causing problems - why you have to be emo, redneck, gangsta...all these stereotypes.  We are just human.  This  is stuff that is probably said before millions and millions of times before but I think we are getting more and more connected.  The internet, the phone, Skype, Facebook...connecting us but we need to have physical contact as well. Face to face is better...we can't be in the isolated world connecting with people thousands of miles away.  Physical human contact and intimacy is what we need.  I am starting to engage in the social world more than my inner world...this sitting around, finding yourself, listening to music, and reading deep literature - this is going have to end in this modern world which is something I have been doing in college. I better sound like an human that connects myself and expresses to the outer world than the inner world - it looks like I can't dig deep in my consciousness enough and probably need the more stimulation that I get from the outside world probably through connectedness and relationships.

The future...what is in store for me?

Time is running out and I don't really know what I really want to do with my life.  I have been in the college world and I am going to be bored with the same monotonous situation I was with last summer.  Last summer I had a preview of what life is going to be like and I think I need change.  I got a cell phone and I was checking social networking sites for social encounters, and going to restaurants for an social outlet, then I haven't found anyone. I have been viewing photos and statuses on Facebook, and realizing that my old friends are slipping away, moving on with their life.  Some of them have matured to the fact that they are starting to have children and even some of them are getting married, which shows how depressing things tend to be.

I was starting to have a cold hard reality check - things are starting to become boring.  I have become unknown and everyone has forgotten about me.  The old world has left me and it is time to enter the new world.  Of course,  I want somebody to keep me company to keep me from being left out in the world of darkness.

The last 2 summers I have been wandering around; I actually have been wandering around without much association for many years.  Where do I fit?  Who am I?  What am I supposed to do?  Who am I supposed to be with?  Life's questions were starting to come with me.

I have been wandering around - finding out where I fit and what could I do.  There is a vast world out there.  It looks like everyone else is in their own world.  Everyone has their own family and it looks like me is wandering around, lacking a family.  I am losing my family - my family is gone and what is left, I really don't care for them anyway.  I only have my parents- my mom and my dad, and I have been ignoring my dad more often.  What is my calling?  Who am I supposed to be with?  What am I supposed to do?  God, I am in a standstill and I want to have a path.

I am in a transitional period from one world to the next.  I have been dumped out and I am starting to see the realities of life.  I need to have a purpose; I need to have a path or a destiny.  What is my calling? I can't be in this repetitive standstill of doing this monotonous labor and wandering around without any associations.  I am starting to have a reality check of what life is going to be like and I think it is the time for change.  I had my head up my butt....it is time for me to think about what I am going to be like in the future and not in the present or the past.  Around 2010, I had a bad impression of my future - I am going nowhere and in something that I am not made for.  Then in the last few years, I had a rediscovery and reevaluation of myself - where am I going now.  I am starting to get the connections and I am starting to find out what thoughts that are in my head.  Hmmmmmmm?

I guess I have to get going...I had no idea what  I am going to be like and I didn't care.  My parents said I had my head up my butt but I had now idea.  With my head up my butt mind, I was thinking, even with the most whacked out fantasies that I have in high school.  Ideas were coming together and I was thinking.

About 2006 or 2007, ideas were popping in my head, but they were whacked out, but they were ideas.  It looks like I had an idea of business in my head.  The fantasy record label and entertainment conglomerate Shawty Entertainment.  It sounds lame because of the word "shawty" but Shawty Entertainment was basically anything cool about me from film to music to internet.  That was an idea. Maybe I should go into the music world.  Then I am starting to getting a closer idea of what I am going to be and who I am going to turn into.  Of course, I am still fantasy and I am getting closer and closer reality checks.  I was starting to value family and children since childhood and I wanted family and children - I mean a lot of children.  A vision of what I am going to be should come through someday.  Yeah I need help finding my path.