Six months has passed without any grandparent and my life has changed drastically. Shortly after my grandpa died, I lost my ability to drive during the summer time which forced me to ride a bike. I got around but I did not have that much freedom and my world was very limited, but I got to see the world at a closer level. I was starting to take a look at the smaller businesses and comb through the town instead of going to the obvious locations - they are many things that are good in the underground than the mainstream, in your face. Of course, the mainstream in your face is good and it is trustable, but I am starting to see what the more mousier end of the town looks like.
I didn't mind the limited lifestyle but I was getting pretty lonely and there was nobody around that I can relate too. Everyone has gone their own direction and I was starting to see that on the internet. I was starting to realize that everyone else is going their own direction; why don't I go my own direction, and I was thinking, what direction should I go? Everyone is starting to mind their own business and they are in their own world - it looks like everyone else has found their own nest except for me.
My family was gone and all the other relatives are going their own directions - they have found their own families. My parents have their own hobbies and interests, and I am not really interested in the same path as they are - I rather do other things but you can't change these people.
I go back to the college and I am expecting the roommates to be something that is "spoon fed" and I will like. They are in their own direction which gives me this sense of loneliness. It looks like I am having a sense of loneliness because all the people that I know and loved have left me and they are going their own direction, and I feel very lonely indeed. Eventually, after a few prompts, I have been told that I need to go my own direction myself because everyone else is going their own direction - there is nobody that is built in anymore. I feel like I don't fit and I am starting to find my nest - where will my new nest be - the new home. The old has passed by and the new is starting to come in - I got to find out where this should be.
I have been told that this day is going to come and I am going to dread this. I have been fearing this "real world" because of isolation and loss of connection - where do I fit into this world. I have no clue. I have been told that I have been going through this same pattern and not seem to want to get out of it, and I can see this by the purchases that I make with my own money. I blew my money on things such as clothes, music, etc. just to fit into a certain group and nobody seems to care anymore. I have bought myself digital toys such as computers, Smart TV, and a cell phone, but they had the same function. The cell phone was the best thing I bought so far - it had a bill but expanded my social life which is a very good investment. It looks like a lot of things that I am buying just were little "bandages" to make myself feel better, not just to fix the problem itself.
I have been told that I had my "head in the clouds" - no real goals or dreams or anything like that. I was not thinking about where I was going to fit in the world and the day is going to come. I am getting the reality check that I can't be this person anymore - everyone is moving on with their life and I am going to be falling behind, making me more and more depressed. Everyone is moving in their own direction and I haven't really found my direction, and I did not really care. Everyone is starting to drift away and eventually the home that I was comfortable with is not going to be home anymore. My friends that I used to like in high school are in their own world now and they expect me to be in my own world. I can't be wandering around, alone, trying to find a direction in life and holding on to the past, or this same person. I better change. I was starting to realize that I am not as cool anymore to everyone - I am just an autonomous human being like anyone else that should be doing their thing like anyone else - I am not that special anymore. Maybe I have been having this feeling that I was "special" and I am not special like anyone else.
I should start having a direction - start having a goal. What will make me feel special?
No comments:
Post a Comment