In the last month or so, I have been having the time of my life. Even though there is some sort of emotional conflict, it seems like the conflict seems to be solved and things seem to work out. I have this feeling of pessimism about many things, and I have this feeling that I am going down this same path in the future, but it looks like things seem to work out better than they think. It looks like things seem to go better when I relax and let things take care of themselves.
I have been down a bumpy ride and I have been through my doubts. I had this lonely feeling in the last few years even though they were nice people that were right next to me. I was trying to have the cool friends, etc. which may not exist, but maybe I should get the reality that these people do not exist in the real world. I have been living a fantasy. This fantasy has been causing a lot of depression but actually when I relax, the fantasy has become a reality.
It looks like I can make any fantasy a reality when I relax a little bit - just chill a bit and live one day at the time. I know it is a easy concept, and something that I did in childhood. When I started school on kindergarten, I didn't know anyone and I didn't care - they I meet somebody who was there because he or she was a kid. There was no discrimination with race, color, sexual orientation, gender, socioeconomic status, etc. all the rhetoric in college. But when we get older, we understand our differences and it starts to fall apart. The first thing is the obvious and it is gender - boys and girls are meet to be together, even though they are difference, but there is a separation of boys and girls that started on the playground. Then about 3rd grade, you are starting to realize the difference between income level - there is the cool kids and the not cool kids. This class system is starting to realize divisions. Then you have interests - you have the jocks and the non-jocks, the nerds, the rednecks, the goths, the emo - these divisions make the world complicated and unfair. By the time you are in high school, the same people you know in kindergarten are not the same. In kindergarten you didn't care, but when you get into high school, you'll probably never talk to this person because they like a certain style of music, a certain brand of clothing, or even a certain sports team. It looks like everyone is in the pickle jar, causing a lot of stress.
When our minds get more and more advanced, we are starting to think in divisions - our world is not made out of divisions. There must be a blessing when my iPod just become shot - the iPod symbolizes that I need to have a certain style of music to attract somebody - nobody cares. It might be a lot simpler to be friends with everyone, just like you start in kindergarten. Life will be easier if we break the walls. College makes you aware of people's differences and to celebrate their differences - the rhetoric is good, but it looks like you are causing more and more divisions since the more you learn about somebody else, the more pickled jarred you are. This pickle jarred lifestyle of high school makes things very complicated.
This pickled jarred lifestyle causes a lot of stress - a sense of community is what we need, that we are all in the same group. Something that will bond people together and usually during the time of crisis, we tend to stick together a lot more. Friendship will become a lot more important. It looks like friendship has been a lot more important; anyone in their own world is not cool. The Great Recession and 9/11 had made us stick together a lot more - we are starting to have a common bond and a common goal. We don't care - we are all in the same boat together and it seems to work out.
This is something that is starting to value more and more - being connected with one another. A lot of people are valuing this - being social is what you need to do - a feeling of a sense of belonging. I can be in my own world but I am starting to become weird - this internal philosophy is starting to mess me up, to get me more depressed. It looks like I am a lot happier when I am connected with somebody.
It looks like I am starting to outgrow a lot of my self-centered ways. I think it might to come to age or I am starting to realize the truth - I have been missing out on a lot of things because of I haven't been really connecting with other people - I do desire to connect with people but it looks like I am in my internal world. This internal world thing has been making me messed up - dreaming up things that don't need to be dreamed up while things seemed to be a lot settled than we think we are.
It looks like I am in a bittersweet period about the fear of losing my friendships and connections. I have got to know them but I am going to lose them - but things seem to turn out different.
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