Last summer was one of the more lonely summer and I was starting to realize the truth. It looks like everyone is moving on and I haven't moved on - I wanted to stay the same but I realize that being the same is not going to work out. Last summer I was isolated in a way - it looks like I did not have a car since it was being fixed, and all my grandparents were gone. I was in my own world and I did not appreciate the world around me - I didn't really focus on the people around me and I was searching for people to connect with. It was lonely - there was nobody around even though there were people around me - but in my mind I did not want to get to know these people and I was cynical about the people around me. I was searching for some opportunity, but it seems like it was a failure.
I had a sample - I was looking for places with young people and it looks like the young people have been long gone. Where are all the young people? It looks like I was full of a world of older people and I didn't seem to fit - they were in their own world and I was in my own world. I was starting to see my friends are starting to become parents and I am starting to fall behind - I was riding a bike all around town in this limited world and I had to be chauffered back and forth all the time. It was like I was a 13 year old in a 22 year old body, which feels awkward. It looks like my sense of freedom was slipped away since I did not value driving - something that I take for granted. The apartments barely had any people in there - there was a select few people and I did not care to get to know them. I did not work on getting to know the people in my college classes during the summer because I was older. I had to do an interview for an assignment and I had a hard time finding people.
The cell phone was the magical solution but I was only using it for internet access and not text messaging. My text messages were just advertisements from my carrier and I only used the phone to call my mom. It looks like I was in that lonely world and I was starting to get depressed. I was cynical about the world around me and I thought there was something wrong with me, even though there was nothing wrong with me.
I just wanted certain people to care for me - I was probably obsessed with being cool or something like that, and I didn't realize that people close by really cared for me very much, but I haven't really cared for them back. They were just not cool enough and I didn't really know. It was a dark and lonely summer - I was riding around in circles going nowhere - once I started school again in the fall, I did not have spoon fed roommates. I had sat in my room with some sort of realization - I don't want to sit alone and then I decided to go outside. I guess this is what I got. I went in that school and there were thousands of people to meet, and I was still confused - I guess this is what I got. It has taken a while until the great realization, and I am starting to realize it right now - maybe I should just put up with what I got.
I have been having this sense of isolation and I really don't know why. It must be my mindset - probably I was looking for the perfect person that does not exist. I am probably looking for something that don't exist out there. I probably didn't care what existed out there. It must be something that is whacked out in my mind that makes me cynical but eventually I started to see what is there. I guess you have to put up with what you got.
I think I was spending a lot more time in my inner world than my outer world - it looks like I was trying to find out things about myself and it looks like I was going nowhere. Maybe I really don't know myself and I haven't really found myself that much. I am starting to focus on my outer world - maybe it is time to focus on the outer world and of other people's lives instead of the inner world - I want to show that I care for people. I think it is a time for change. I am undergoing my transition right now and the transition is going good - I am getting ackward thoughts once in a while. I am not sure if I want to try this - I am afraid of that other people.
I had a hard time moving on - I wanted things to remain the same and I wanted things in my comfort zone. I don't know what caused the transition -maybe there was things I needed to figure out. I think I lacked trust in people - they were out the get me - there was something they didn't really liked but I think I am going to change my attitude. I think maybe people in general are not bad anymore - I just lack trust but I wanted to connect. I think I wanted to explore the new world but I was in a bottleneck. I think it is time for me to care for other people.
I keep getting these ackward moments in my life - but hopefully I am going to get out of it. I am going on the right path and I don't want anyone to leave me too.
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