The unknown path

Eventually the day is supposed to come and I am not sure what I am going to do next.  There are many unknown questions that are supposed to be answered and things to think about.  These things have not been a big burden to me because I thought life was supposed to go one day at a time, but I am realizing that I need to have a path and I need to have a goal.  I can't just go nowhere.  I keep telling this story about last summer but it looks like the last summer is where it seems like I am going nowhere - I had to finish this college education but it looks like I didn't really had many goals.  I thought about the past more than the future and  I was very reflective but I was realizing about the lack of freedom that I was having when I had many limitations.

Last summer I didn't really have a car - a car was my ticket to freedom and that car will take me places - I could escape.  Now I had to rely on a bike and public transportation - using public transportation is very expensive and riding a bike to get to the places I want to go is very time consuming, but at least I got some exercise. I got a better view of what the town around me was like and it was a rather boring place where I didn't really fit in - it was a rather lonely place.  There was a lot of bars and stuff, and I do not drink -it looks like I am going to be out of luck in the place I was going.  I spent a lot of that summer sitting in my room, suffering from the heat, watching Netflix and thinking about the dead end that I have gotten myself into.  It looks like I was going nowhere and I was starting to get more and more depressed.  But the good thing about riding a bike I was starting to scan through my local environment and started to comb through the town - there are many places in the town that I did not know about.  I started to use my smartphone and started to scan through the local business and I found many places I didn't know about such as a pretty decent restaurant to eat at.  There might be some pretty decent places to eat at that are in the underground that weren't in the  mainstream.

But it was getting pretty lonely - I was lacking a support network - I felt like I was sort of unloved and going nowhere.  But that was last summer and I had changed a lot.  Now I am starting to realize that time is running out and there is going to be a crunch.  I have gotten to know some new people but I realized that some of the people that I am going to get to know are going to leave.  I am going to feel very lonely once again.  But at least  I am going to have a car and I can move around, which can open man doors.  I know this feeling of isolation was starting to get on my nerves - there is a vast world out there and I have been only seeing a limited sample of the world out there.  But I am starting to ponder about this - where do I fit in this world?  There is a location for me and there is a role for me in the world too - I am supposed to be doing something.  I am going to be going nowhere if I don't have some sort of path - I am going in a dead end with nowhere to go; I am supposed to be going somewhere.

I sort of have this "sewed up" attitude but nothing is sewed up.  That is the hard part about life - I find the familiar to become more comfortable.  I get to know some people and then  they leave, which makes me feel lonely once again.  This randomness is very awkward and life is very random.  I don't know what my future is going to bring to me - I didn't know what was going to happen this year. I known I was going to continue on with college but I didn't expect my grandparents to be all gone this year and I didn't expect this circumstance to happen that summer.  I was all ready for summer of just running around - in circles.  I would of been a very annoying person just burning gas going nowhere, trying to find out where do I fit.  There is a place where I fit in the world.

I have been obsessed on the virtual world instead of the real world.  The internet has been a place to escape and I have been escaping on the mobile internet world instead of facing reality - I don't like what I am seeing, I escape into my virtual world.  I don't like the people around me I can escape in my virtual world.  There are Wi-Fi access points everywhere for people with smartphones, tablets, laptops, and any other things that have the internet - they are usually free.  I usually use my 4G connection when I am out in the world but I have been dependent on the internet and not my outside environment.  The virtual environment is fine but I need to see  my physical environment.  I have been using the Web as my  escape device and my digital consultant - I have been looking up weird stuff on the internet instead of facing the outside world.  I have been probably in my digital world just to escape the  reality of real life - I have been in a different dimension. Now I am going to have to look up a little more - a lot of my view of the world has been looking down at some screen or something like that.  It is like some psychological escape - time to look up.