Am I underappreciated or underrated?

Sometimes I do get this feeling where I get pretty lonely,and I feel like nobody really appreciates me.  It is a cold, lonely world out there and even my cat seems like to not appreciate me.  Sometimes people do like me and sometimes people don't like me, and I go through spells where people like me and people don't like me.  Or maybe I have a dislike for many other people.  I really don't know....

The last couple of years I don't really know where I fit - I was shoved in an apartment when there were the not  so cool people come from and people are starting to see me as the "not so cool people."  It looks like I was in a prison that I couldn't escape and it seems like there was no way for me to get out of this mess.  It looks like I have been stratified and ostracized from the rest of society, and it seems like I am not "normal enough" for the people around me.  I am not a dumb person; I can be pretty intelligent and I can be pretty cool if I want to, but I hope I don't get shoved in a situation like this.

It looks like there was a lot of stratification in the apartment - there was thre football team which are considered the cool people in the apartment and there is a group of "special ed" type people.  I was shoved with a bunch of special ed type people even though I know I was a lot better than those special ed type people.  I have nothing against them and I know they want to mainstream like everyone else, but it seems like my self-esteem has been lower by shoving me with those special ed type people and I don't really have a legitimate disability.  I have a mild case of  ADHD that makes me a little more talkative than usual and lose things, but I am pickled jarred into a group of people that are far worse than me which is making me a lot worse than me.  Don't  you understand that many succesful people like Olympic medalist Michael Phelps have ADHD.

I want to have the dates and the social life like everyone else, and I want to have good friends like everyone else - mainstream friends like everyone else.  You have these events like dances, etc. but it looks like not the "cool people" show up but more of the same type of special ed type people show up.  The same thing with the community room.

People with "disabilities" would like to make friends and be cool like everyone else, but they look like they are made fun of and they are the dumb people.  I hope I can get out of this mess so I can be like the mainstream people and not be judged.  I want to be known for "me" instead of "quirk man" or something like that - I am not an alien, I am a human being just like anyone else.  I would like to have friends and relationships, and even a job like everyone else.

I tend to be the quieter, thinking type people that a big blabber party goer - there are things that are going in my head and there are people made for me.  I can be like anyone else and I can date like anyone else.  It was not because I was cursed for life and I am only going to be with these people, and do these things - that is not good.

I hope things change and I hope I get a year where I am accepted.  Someone is going to like me - I would like to be respected, to be liked, to be appreciated a little more and I would like to be shown "here I am."  I was accpted more and I was not accepted in high school.  The same thing has been going on for about 7th grade and I haven't really gotten out of this pattern.

I don't think Ihad the best concept of who I am or I don't want to be accepted of who I am.  But I am getting a way better concept of who I am but I still need work.  Someday it is going to come.  Maybe I should experiment around with different genres of music - we have pop, rock, country, techno, dance - there is a different culture with this different style of music and a lot of this music is going to try to define who I am and who I am not.

I am going to blosson and eventually I should figure it out - I hope I am not this "nothing" waiting to be unveiled.  There is something in with me - I am not your obvious but there might be something obvious with me and eventually I am going to fit.  Maybe there is something that is going against the grain than you typical student these days. Who knows.

2012: A year of change

Really 2012 has not been that year of crisis that people have been talking about.  Our climate and weather systems had been whacked out, but I don't think it has to do anything with planet alignments or the polar shift or anything like that.  It looks like there is a weather pattern that is causing a lot of heat and it is most likely not caused by global warming - another part of the world is experiencing intense cold.

2012 look like it is a year of transition - it is a year of change. 2011 was a year that everything started to fall apart but it looks like there is hope when 2012 is coming along.  2010 and 2011 were in general better for pop culture, along with 2009, since this is when the internet was starting to be an influence of pop culture.  The internet was some "geek phonemonon" for many years, but now the internet in this decade, especially YouTube is starting to influence pop culture and we are starting to get some "internet stars" ever since 2009 such as iJustine and Shane Dawson.  Smartphones are starting to become more mainstream and are not being the "rich people" toy - almost everyone is getting access to a Smartphone and the smartphone might be actually the standard cell phones, making traditional cell phones for old people such as The Jitterbug.

Throughout this decade, you are not seeing as much of a divide with digital technology.  Almost everyone is adapted to the digital world in some shape or form, but you also have digital for old people and digital for younger people.  I am not sure what the digital for young people, but the social networking and Web 2.0 has starting to become the establishment and many people, especially older people are catching up with digital technology faster than the younger people.

But I am seeing some intense change when we are going through 2012 and we might be in a more change in our attitudes.  It looks like we are getting a lot more group minded and we are getting a lot more conformist than we used to.  The individualism is starting to die out and conformity is going to come back.  It seems like we are going back to values and traditions -especially with the younger generations of teenagers and children.  The '50s family values are going to come back which will make "hooking up" so not cool and animalistic.  TV has changed a lot from not allowing a couple to sleep together in bed in 1950 to nearly having a barbie doll affect with the boobs in 2009.  Profanity and the "fuzz" is starting to die out after 2010, but we are still starting to have a lot of reality TV.  Reality TV is going to get cheesy and it is going to get boring - who wants reality TV if you want to have a more fantasy, scripted TV with a plot and a storyline.  A lot of TV shows have become cheesy and boring, and you are showing shows that nobody can relate to.  I personally want a plot that I can relate to, and right now, the only  good shows are The Simpsons, Family Guy, and King of the Hill, which does have plots you can relate to.  The Foximation is even starting to go downhill with Bobs Burgers and Napoleon Dynamite.

But I can see a change and that could be seen with teenage girl wears dresses, which is very beautiful and attractive.  I haven't ever seen a teenage girl wear a dress out of casual wear and this is getting very common.  We can see lots of beautiful fashion and music starting to come out.

I  really don't know what the change is going to be in 2012 but I have a feeling it is going to be better.

What am I supposed to be doing with my life?

Okay, it looks like time keeps pressing on and I still don't have a concept of what I am supposed to be doing with my life.  It seems like it has been just yesterday when I just graduated from elementary school and it seems like high school graduation was a short time ago.  I was thinking back about 2002-2003, what I was like and how I was changing.  I was a pretty smart kid about the 6th grade and I known a lot about music and computers.  I like to fool around with the computer systems and I also liked to fool around with anything music - I wasn't that involved with popular music because popular music was not that good but I did enjoy other genres of music - I was even dorky and I liked classical music and jazz, which was a style of music that was very mature and old fashioned for my age.

I tend to be in my smart little world until about the 7th-8th grade, when I turned into a teenager.  I didn't really have a concept of what I was going to be as a teenager,but I decided that I am going to be cooler.  I am not going to be this dorky kid that liked this mature music such as jazz and classical, and I decided I am going to get this guy that was going to be "with it" and will listen to popular music.  I was starting to listen to pop music and I was starting to try to get involved with the modern slang of the time, even though I was pretty stiff.

I did not really like rap music, I was more of a fan of other styles of music such as pop until someone got me introduced to that style of music. That revolutionized the image that I was going to have and it "de dorked me."  I was pretty smart, even in the elementary school, but I am not going to be the geek or the nerd, I am going to be the "cool guy."  I was trying to get influenced by something that I think I was cool.  I was not all total dork - I did listen to pop such as Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, Hilary Duff as a kid as well, so I was startin to be with the trends but I was trying to define myself as an individual.

I really didn't have a concept of who I was but I actually liked certain music - I liked to create music and a lot of high school was creating music.  I was a pretty peaceful kid that did not get involved with drugs or anything like that - I really didn't know where I fit in the contemporary world but some day I am going to figure out where I am going to fit.

I  am still trying to figure out who I am but I am starting to get straightened out - it seems like I have a split personality and I am really confused.  There are so many choices and I really don't know where I fit.  My parents are pretty conservative and I might be pretty conservative, and they didn't wanted me to go along with what the teenagers are doing, but actually I was trying to go along with them, but I didn't do it right.  Such as hip-hop - I don't think I had a very good concept of the hip-hop culture - I  think I appreciated rap music but I didn't really get what they are singing about and is this culture really fit for me.  The same thing with the goth/emo and I think I went against the goth/emo because they wear black and they are pretty "creepy and scary people".

I really didn't know who I was and I did not want to go along with anything that was not cool.  No nerdy or dorky stuff, so I was kinda shy and mysterious throughout high school.  I go through spells where I was pretty wild and outgoing, and I think I go through spells where I was shy.  I think it was something like bipolar disorder or something like that.

There are a lot of choices and a lot of confusion and I am soon starting to figure it out. I tend to be kind of conservative and old fashioned, and rather do things a little more traditional.  My parents are more the traditionalist the really value me about going to school and getting a job, but I am trying to find myself as well. They think you really don't need to find yourself and go along with the "kooks" that are walking around.

There is culture that is kind of confusing and there is a confusing world out there.  Some day I am going to get my head screwed on and find out who I am, and what I want to be.

Now I am expected to grow up and I haven't really grown up that much - my parents want to have me have a path and it seems like I don't know what I am good at or what I want to do.  I think maybe working is going to help and to see what I am good at.  It seems like I am just sitting around, contemplating my world and trying to find out who I am.

Something is going to pop out and I hope it pops out soons - I do like stores and restaurants so it might be good for me to work in a store or a restaurant. I got hired for Wal Mart and eventually I am going to see if I like it and I might take some general business classes just to get me a job.  Maybe I am good at stores and I should try to figure out what I am good at.

Signs of the downfall of Facebook

MySpace is dead and buried, and back to the status it was in the 1990s, and AOL is just...so not cool anymore, but I can see that Facebook is starting to have a downfall.  It is a depressing site and I am at the original target age of Facebook; college students and now I am finding out it is turning stupid.  There has been signs that Facebook has been having a downfall.

Facebook was good in high school when you have friends, but when your friends leave, it gets more and more depressing.  Now Facebook has turned into this stodgy adult site that has more baby photos of cohabitated people mistakes than actually some good pictures with your friends.

I can see the first downfall when the Farmvilles and the Mafia Wars were starting to come out in late 2009 - that is when people are worried more about "virtual agriculture" which is probably propaganda for "real agriculture" that is really needed in this country.  Then we have the ability to like everything on the internet and certain people had took advantage of it and annoyed people with their political and religious propanganda.

I can't put my finger on it, but it looks like Facebook has attracted more adults than teenagers.  My theory is that many of the pioneers of Facebook who are in college are starting to get to be in their 30s and 40s, which is the stodgy adult age and they also started to rope in their relatives.  Now it is every adult on the internet is on Facebook and it seems like you are seeing a lot of 45-50 year olds on Facebook.  A lot of them are overprotecting family members and they are 3rd or 4th cousins that want to suck on you worse than your parents. This is pretty embarrasing and it seems like whenever you make progress, you have your 3rd cousin like about some thing that shows that you are growing up.  It is good to have praise for growing up but it doesa get embarrassing.  I would like to have more support from peers, not older people.

Unless my peers are in their own world and they are not interested in me "growing up" - they probably want me to do some frat boy thing or something like that.  Getting a job is too "adult" and "mature", and it looks like it's pretty hard to grow up.

The advertisements is another thing that has been causing a problem - Facebook has starting to have more advertisement than to see what your friends are up to.  Maybe it is the idea that I don't have many friends.

That's the bad thing about Facebook and it seems to be happening to me - adults are caring for me more than my peers unless I might be too conservative for my peers or they don't know me that well, or they simply don't care for me.  It looks like I am in this transitional time and I hope someone will care for me.

It's like a prison that I can't escape

I see other people running around and having fun, and it looks like I never been involved in this. I am looking at some of the people on the internet that I was friends with - no they are starting to even have babies and are in steady commited relationships.  I think they are a little bit too young for having babies and even some of the people that are my peers are getting married.  This is making me feel a little bit discouraged because I never got to this level,

At least I got to the level of getting a job, but the orientation has been postponed for me because I did not bring my proper idenification.  But at least they are ready for me to work and I have been waiting all these years to work.  It is a new beginning for me and I have a new idenity for me - I am finally going  to get out of this prison.

Lets hope I am going to get out of this prison - it seems like I haven't really had the most successful relationships and whenever I had attempted to get started with a relationship, I fail.  I don't know what is the cause of this problem. Don't women like me or people in general like me?

I am going to get some new roommates and hopefully I am going to get out of the prison.  I don't want to be trapped for life with the same old same old - I want to move forward and be like everyone else, and I am gradually starting to become more like everyone else.  But it is a long way to go.  I hope the next week of orientation is going to get me out of this prison and I hope I am not going to have this inmate feeling when I am forced to be with certain people.

I seem to be very socially ostracized indeed, especially with being with not the coolest roommates.  I had been having roommates that are not much in common with me and are not interested in me, and their buddies are not their type as well.  There has been a lot of drama and it seems like I can't escape the drama.

Facebook is a great way to keep track of my life and the only people that "seem" to care for  me are relatives that I barely know.  I don't have many peers that care for me; maybe I don't think like them or they are just bored with me, or they are liking me too intimately for the sake of relatives and not knowing me because of a person.  It is time for me to get someone else to respect me besides the relatives.

This becoming independent thing has it's tough things but really it is hard for me to choose any relationships.  I think it should be time for someone to like me or appreciate me, and I hope things are going to get a little better.  I want to be known more than a person that is a relative claw, even with ones that don't seem to know me that well.  They are farther away and they are not close relatives - I don't really know them real well and it looks like they are getting annoying.

I do like family but I would like to  have my own family; my own relationships and my own people to care for.  I have a tendency to suck onto mom too much but I think I need someone else - I can have too much of mom.

I don't want to be this lonely, freaky guy that seem to get the same people suck on me that are undesirable, lowering my self esteem and being in the same situations.  There are probably not much love and whoever I think is attracted is sucked on to some other lunk, and I am starting to think why me?  I am not that bad of a guy and why this guy gets the date and why not me.

I hope things are going to get better - it is a lonely world out there and I am trying to survive that cold lonely world.

New life beginning for me

Today I had moved into my new apartment and I am not sure what my roommates are going to be like.  But it looks like a clean slate is starting to come in and it might turn into a good year.  Tomorrow I also have the job orientation at Wal Mart, which is going to be a new beginning for me.  I can finally get some money and maybe move on with my life.

I am not sure what I am going to spend my money on - I am going to get at least about $100 a week, which is about $400 a month.  A lot of my money might be sucked into rent and these apartments are not meant for anyone with a minimum wage job.  For a sustainable income to pay that apartment, you probaby need to have something more than minimum wage; probably about $10 per hour or more, which are the standards for jobs in the early to mid 20s.  But I can see financial aid might pay for it as well, as everyone else in the apartment.

I can see there is going to be a lot better life socially and things are going to get better - hopefully there are some cute girls that are not big fat and ugly or in the special ed caliber.   There are probably some dumb ones that don't care about appearance or social skills, and I don't see they are dating material.  Hopefully things are going to get better when I have a job.

I really can't predict what is going to happen but I have a feeling that I might be respected a little bit better. I don't think I am going to be the wussy runty guy anymore; I am going to be going somewhere.  There are other guys that are the wussy runty guy.  Things are going to change and I hope things are going to change for the better.  College students are starting to become more conservative these days and it might be easier to get along - I tend to just want to go to bed at a certain time and stick to a certain routine.  After working I am going to be very tired.

The battle to get me working has been going on for many years and I think I have been close with dating. I am probably going to date a blonde because I like blondes, but I also appreciate brunettes and redheads as well. There are probably some cute girls right next to me but I never got a chance to get to know them - I think their attitude is going to change about me once I get working and I am the Wal Mart guy coming out; not the runt head coming out.

I notice I got the most respect from the women when I was  pretty much the stodgy - when I acted very mature and polite and seem to have a path.  Probably buying all the cookware myself might be a turn on to girls - I am responsible and girls like to cook.  I am not just buying McDonalds and all that.  The same thing with moving everything myself without a parent - a lot of them were doing it themselves and that might be a sure way to show I am strong and independent.

Lord I hope things are going to get better and I think they are - it is time for me to get screwed on.  Some day things are going to get put together and I am eventually  am going to get over the hump.

I am feeling a lot more optimistic and I hope I don't have a repeat of the last few years - I doubt I will.  I have been improving a lot in the last year or so and everything might start being put together.

What will replace rock music? Even hip-hop?

There is one thing that is classically part of teenager rebellion - rock music.  But I notice that teenagers are not that nuts about rock music.  It looks like adults over the age of 40 are the ones that are nuts about rock music - Old people are nuts about rock music. When rock music has become the "teenage rebellion" music, the people that grew up listening to it are in the 70s and even 80 years old.  It has become a genre of music that is starting to decline as the oldest people who remember rock music are almost to the grave.  The Rolling Stones are literally going to be the Rolling Stones and the Grateful Dead are literally going to be the Greatful Dead.

Hip-hop is another form of music that seem to be maturing - that used to be the "teen rebellion" music about the 1980s and 1990s, and become mainstream in the 2000s, but now the people that are rap fans are having children and are now currently parents, which is making hip-hop stodgy.  Hip-hop has even become on VH1 as retro countdown, which shows the "adultness" of the music.

I really don't know what is the "teen rebellion" music of the 21st century, but it looks like hip-hop has not even become the "rebellion sound."  Rock music has started to become even artsy like jazz and classical, and it is starting to become even appreciated by the upper crust educated people and academia. The Beatles are not rebellion - they are class assignments that can be analyzed.

I do have some ideas of what teenagers want.  I can see electronic music is going to be "teen rebellion", but even the electronic sound has become the mainstream sound.  There is a possibility that "country music" might be the new teen rebellion.

Country music used to be liked  only by "old farmers", but now I see a lot of teenagers nuts about certain country stars.  Country music has a rebellion to it; it has a counterculture to it.  It is about the freedom and the Wild West, the shotgun and the moonshine - something that teenagers can be nuts about.  A lot of things in country music seem very rebellious in teen music - you sing about things teens want to do such as driving fast in pick up trucks, mudding in four wheelers, and going against the government, just like the hippies of the '60s and '70s.  It does have rebellion, especially with the school system, which emphasizes things such as diversity and tolerance, which will make teenagers very racist today.

Techno and dance music could be teen rebellion music - there is always a bunch of teenagers that like techno and are not nerds anymore.  Now "scene kids" are liking techno and this genre called "dubstep."

Or to be ironic - teen rebellion is now assumed in textbooks, but teens are going to "rebel" by being goody two shoes and conforming.  There are a lot of very clean cut teenagers, especially when the norm is for "teens" to be rambunctious and rebellious. You might be seeing very clean, boring teenagers for a long time, which might make teenagers endangered species.

I can see another form of "teen rebellion" music, just to add to it, might be "video game" and "anime" music - it looks dorky, but maybe the millennium teenagers is going to be dorky.  Maybe the ideas of dork is so 20th century - the dork might be a teenager in a gangsta outfit.

Boy bands are back = Conservatism is back

Boy bands had been underappreciated for many years, but now I am seeing another rush of boy bands.  About 2005 or 2006, boy bands were unheard of and they were definitive "uncool".  We had girl groups like the Pussycat Dolls, but they are a bunch of sluts.  Fast forward about 6 years in the future, we have boy bands are back.

Everyone thinks boy bands are associated with the "gay culture" and they are "pretty boys."  Of course, they are pretty attractive but pop stars have to have an eye candy look for marketing, usually with an effiminate look with the boys and a with girls, you see them doing masculine activities such as riding motorcycle or being on cars.  This is probably marketing things for certain genders, such as boys for girls and girls for the boys.

Boy bands can be a good influence for guys to see what are the latest trends and what is cool.  A boy band wearing the same clothes as the group will create conformity, which will start a fad.  I see shorter, more conservative hair is becoming more common with guys with a nice, casual clean cut look.  One Direction is sporting a really stodgy look with even suit vests.

I don't have anything against boy bands - they are a signs that things are getting pretty good.  The values are changing - they sing mushy songs that are not about sex and actual romance, and actual flirtatious, less egocentric lyrics.

Of course, we have a wave of boy bands during each decade, but I can see this wave of boy bands are not really much different than the 1990s boy bands.  One Direction has decided to be the new Backstreet Boys, and they sing Backstreet Boys type song.  Backstreet Boys are still hanging in there and eventually you'll have *NSYNC back.

A few years ago, you had boy bands made primarily for children, but they were made fun of.  You had the Jonas Brothers, which are probably not that good of a boy band, and NLT, which are underrated, but now you have these guys such as One Direction and there is a bunch more coming.

The boy band fad is going to be large  - that is just conservative values coming back.  You don't have to be a rock star to be cool, or  a rapper to be cool, but you can be a stodgy pop star.  They are not going to be some bubblegum pop that is shown on the Disney Channel; they can be mainstream music that is liked by even adults and many of the boy bands are going to be close to my age, people born around 1990, who are probably nostalgic of their tweendom.  We are having a lot more conforming teenager coming and they look very nice.  The girls are probably going to be dating material.

These guys, as I said, are role models.  They can teach you how to treat a girl who is more old fashioned who is not into "hooking up." These girls are probably  wants that "want your number" and "you are beautiful and I want to hold you forever" than "I wanna take off your clothes."

3rd year in apartments is done - now comes to the 4th

I  had completed another year in the apartments and I think this year has been a lot better than the last 2, but you had a little bit of the same thing.  The most social year was in the first year, but it seems like I was lasting trust in my roommates and it started to become a lonely year.  The first year was involved a lot of going back to the high school and it was a continuation of high school, but then the high school has frittered away.   The second year was starting to get a brand new image - a "college image".  It was really a year of finding myself and finding my view of the world - it was an ackward but lonely year, but I think I needed a year to think things through and to learn about myself and the world around me, and how I should contribute to that world.

The first year was an extension of high school, then I finally got out of the high school mode about the second year and I was trying to fit into the college.  It took a while but I did make a friend or two, but it wasn't a year with the gang.

The third year was trying to reform myself, but it was more in the behavior and the practical issues.  The second year was really more the ideas, but the third year was the behavior and I seen a lot of improvement with the behavior, but I still need to work and to have a lot more maturity.

The next year is going to be based on the job and the relationships, and it might be my true good year in college.  I can see I am going over the hump and I need a few quiet years to find myself, and there is probably many more quiet years to find myself as well.

I really don't know what is going to happen next year but I hope it is not going to be a continuation of the last few years.  I think I am going to be a lot more better socially and I am going to fit in a lot better.  I am going to find people that are going to like me for who I am and have something in common with, or I need to change a little bit and stop being out of touch.  I tend to keep to myself but I think I need to get with people.

The job with Wal Mart is going to do that - I am going to be exposed with people all day and I am going to be forced to put up with people.  No more hiding in the corner - I am probably going to be a lot friendlier.  Things are probably going to get better and it starts tomorrow.  It was pretty touch, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Next year is probably going to be a year where I am going to start being in the real world and going to put all the things I learn to the use.  The apartment life, like high school, is an educational experience and I learned a lot about putting up with other people and I seem not to have much of a problem.  I am hoping next year is going to be better and every year does get better.

A tough decision

High school is a long way back, but it seems like I want to start looking back.  It looks like I had no future so everything had ended at high school.  When I entered college, I thought it would of been all over and it would of been a fresh start, but it looks like I have been having the same thing as high school, only worse.  It was hard for me to fit in during the middle school and parts of high school years - I just sucked onto one guy who I could relax with and I floated around with the other people.  There was a lot of drama, especially with going after girls.

It seems like I was trying to go after girls, but a lot of them are taken by some other guys.  I probably only wanted one type of girl and they were blondes, and maybe redheads; I was not really attracted or wanted any "brunettes" because they were "boring" and common, and I didn't appreciate the beauty of a darker color. I probably didn't like darker colors and I picked bright colored clothes and looked at bright colored girls.

Drama was all over the place and I had a hard time getting involved with relationships.  It seems like that the other guys were going after the other girls, and I could see some characteristics.  The "boyfriend" always seems to be some guy with longer hair and was probably some skater type guy/emoish type guy.  I was wearing short hair and short hair was not "cool" in the 2000s.  I also sat a lot on the computer, looking up stuff such as MySpace and added random girls.

There was a lot of drama and I don't know the source.  But it seems like I had seen improvement about junior year and it might be somewhat the clothing choices that I was wearing.  I was trying to fit in with everyone else but did not get the detail - I didn't dress bad but it seems like I was wearing more bright colors that clash with each other such as a yellow and green. I did not know who I was, but I was experimenting and it seems like I was going nowhere.  I was starting to get it together about junior or senior year, but it was still a mess.

The same thing is continuing into college - even worse.  I am having the same problem - I am going after girls and they seem to not want me back or they already are having "boyfriends" and a lot of them seem to be a lot "cooler" and a lot better than me.  I really don't know what the core of this - what is making me undesirable. 

But eventually things are going to get better and I hope so, and I think I need to change things.  There has been a pattern that I have been going through and that pattern needs to stop.

A fresh start

A beginning is going to start again for me in college.  At least I have a direction in life and I am going to be going somewhere. I am not that gum hole about the job situation, but at least I have some income.  Work is not that important to me but I need to have it to survive, but I'll see what my attitude towards work for me when I get into the door.

I don't really have any career goal in mind, but I do have a certain career environment.  I like to work in something I like to hang around in such as a store or a restaurant.  I don't think I am the type that will work in a government instuition or something like that; I prefer to have something in the private sectors.  Stores are the most fun and I get to see a lot of people - a place such as Wal Mart will not be that bad to get a job.

I am not a work person, but I never know, I'll have to try it.  I tend to be more of a family person or an relationship person.  Romance and relationships and family seem to be a lot more important to me, but I need to get the work sector in my life out of the way.  I haven't really found much love and I haven't found much work, but eventually I am going to find both.

There are people that are going to get me - there have to and there is probably somebody is going to love me.  I am not sure who loves me but I think there are a few that are closer to loving me.  I never really had an relationship, and I really don't know why.  I don't think I really known anyone that will would like to have an relationship with me or I have anything in common.  I tend to be this shy person, but seems to be thoughtful and I had been told that I am brilliant when you get me talking.  I could have an awesome person and I had been told that people like me, but it seems to be all hidden.  I might be a person that tends to think and process before getting some thoughts down.

I am not the type that is going to party or anything; I tend to be on the modest side and what everything to be in a structured fashion. I am trying to be flexible but I do like to have routine.

I think some girl is going to like me eventually when I get out of my shell and open my mouth - I can be a pretty fun person when I open up a little bit.  Eventually someone is going to find me that will get me and have a similar personality to me.  I think there have been a few close calls and there are ones that probably have the similar personality that will "get me". I think people are going to get me very well - I might be one of these more thoughtful, analytical people and they are around.

Maybe there is really not many thoughtful, analytical type people and if you get me going, I can be fun.  You have to get me to open up a bit.

I tend to express myself very well into music and dance, and that might be the ticket.  There might be things that words cannot express - I find a girl and I think just being there just makes me fine.  I'll feel speechless.  But eventually someday somebody is going to find me and I hope they will.

The self confidence might expand when I get a job somewhere, such as Wal Mart.  I got called for orientated at Wal Mart for a cart pusher and I think this might change me a lot.  There is going to be a fresh start.

With the thoughtfulness and the analyticalness, I could get a job somewhere - some good career and probably a good mate.  Lord, lets hope it is going to be put together.

From the school world to the real world

I had been involved with an educational instuition for almost my whole life, or at least when I was 3 years old.  Before that, all my learning was based on intuition and just exploring the world around me.  I don't truly remember when I started school, but it was starting to become a routine when I was a little kid.  The school life when I was little started out as a very fun experience; it looked like it was a play type situation where you ran around and learned a lot of things.  Then about kindergarten or first grade, there was a change in the atmosphere and school was going to be different.  It was hard to adjust to a school day with no nap time and you have to learn all this boring stuff which is way too hard.

The same school pattern has been the same, with the increase of responsibility and possibly homework, and I didn't really study that hard.  But the main outlet I had with the school world was the music, as the sports were for other kids.  Band and choir were the best part of school and I was involved in the music program ever since I was in the 5th-6th grade.  That made school worth going too.

I am gradually transitioning to a school like environment to the next environment; which is going to be "the real world environment" and I am going to be part of the real world, and I am going to make my contributions to society.  The school is not where everything ends and the social structure is not going to be based on the high school system - it is going to be a very vast real world system.

Of course, you are going to have your social class system but you are not going to have the compact social structure system when you are in high school.  Popularity is going to be based more on the income level and even people that have the high income are not going to be popular.  The popular people are going to be the people that are making a lot of money and get to have the nice fancy houses and are known around in the community.  Then you have the average people and then you have the scum of the world.

In high school, you have the same system and it is probably based on your parents, but when you get out of there, it is going to be a different world.

Right now I am at the bottom scum of society, but eventually I am going to be bumped up.  But almost all college students are technically at the bottom scum of society and they seem to still have their social structure system in the college.  You are cool when you are the frat boys and on the football team, and you are not cool when you are some of the special ed type people.  But eventually in the real world, the frat boys are really not cool and they are pretty much losers, but the most successful people are the intelligent people with briliant minds, which are the nerds.

But the coolness factor changes when more people are getting access and the novelty wears out.  Someone who has a nice house and nice cars are cool, and the people who are trailer trash are not cool.  It looks like sex becomes no big deal; drinking become no big deal; and even having a BlackBerry is no big deal, but there might be some form of status that might be a big deal.  It could be the knowledge and the power might be something that is cool; the ability to control things and to make decisions is very cool. Someone who can dribble a ball is probably cool in middle school or get laid is cool in middle school, but eventually the novelty is going to wear out.  These guys that went on the moon - that's pretty cool or the person who invented Tupperware is pretty cool, but it seems like the values of cool are going to change.

Predictions for next year

I have been closing off one more year in the college apartment and in college life in general, but there is going to be another time I'm going to be focusing on.  Next year.  I hope next year is going to be better than this year and I hope I am not going into the same pattern of BS.

I am probably going to meet new people; most likely as I did meet new people this year, but it seems like the relationships with these people had faded away as I moved up to that apartment.  I can see a close bond willl be coming with these people, but I was also realizing the differences I was having with these people, especially with interests and intelligence.

I had been struggling a lot with the romantic life and I have never been in any "long term" romantic relationships.  It was pretty amazing when I got up to holding hands with a girl, then that "relationship" seem to faded away and she found some other guy that was more like her. With the switch to the new roommates, it was a lonely year but I should of focused a lot on my schoolwork and my studies, along with improving myself and finding a new job.

Romance is going to come again and I can see it might come pretty quickly, if I find girls that are my speed.  I think I was realizing what girls are my type and what type of girls I seem to be attracted to.

So far, I did get "hired" or a job so it is going to change the situation and I am going to experience the world of working for the public and getting my paycheck for the first time in my life.  I am not going to get payed much, but at least it is a start and it is probably better than I have it before.  It is going to relieve a lot of stress on my parents about the college expentitures and I am going to appreciate them a lot more, including paying for things such as rent and gas.

I am going to have a steady income and I probably have enough money to pay for a date; probably a movie or something.  The driving situation and the money has probably kept me from having relationships, unless  I am going to be these "hooking up" type people which my parents have strict rules about, even over the age of 18.

There is going to be a lot of change in me and I am going to think a lot different.  I am  probably going to have a lot more freedom and a lot more self confidence than ever before; I am going to start to feel like I can roam about without being reliant on my parents.

I hope things are going to be better and God I hope.  I don't want to have a repeat of the last few years, because I have enough of it. It was time for me to have another good year.

What life is going to be in store for me in the future

There is going to be a long journey awaiting me and only God knows where I am going.  I am not really sure what exactly I am going to be doing next year or in the next 10 years or even 40 years, but I can see there are going to be some good moments and some bad moments.

I really don't know what I am put on this Earth for and only God knows my purpose.  But it seems like the things that I do seem to have a pattern and they might, if you look at it, have a subconscious preview of the future. The things that I am doing in childhood and in my teenage life might be a preview of what adult life might be like; even some of the stuff that is in college is going to have a pattern.

It seems like people's life have a pattern and you only decipher the true purpose of their lives when they die and when you write the obituraries.  Why on Earth I am here for?  Why I am here at this time and this location, along with this family and the right genetic code.  Even the friends I have might have an influence that I might be in the future.

I really don't know what is going to happen, but I can see some things that are for sure are going to happen:

In the next few years, there are going to be a lot of growing up moments and there is going to be a period of settling in.  I am going to find my  love and it is hard because I haven't really been involved with romance in the first place, but there is someone that is truly waiting for me.  I can see a preview of what I want with the girls that had a crush on me -they are close calls and they might be a preview of the true girl.  It could be a blonde, a brunette, or a redhead - you never know.

Then I am going to get some money and I am going to start buying things and doing things I want to do, along with having children and doing the responsibilities to support my family.  There is going to be a lot of things to do.  I am going to have my role in society, which is my job and I am going to have my role in my family and my home.  The role in society is going to trade off to support me and my family, along with a few rewards to do things myself along with my family.  Maybe family is going to be my own goals that my interests are going to center around family instead of me.

But eventually I am going to have to start all this stuff by getting a job - figuring out my role in life along with trying to find out the right girl for me that will like to go along with me. There is probably someone just like me that is going to get me and is going to have the same goals and values as me, and that person might not be that far away. Maybe she might be the girl next door at the apartment who just turns out to get me.

There is probably a female me or someone that is really compatabile with me.  There is a lot of close calls but I haven't really found the one that truly gets me.

Romance sounds to be very important to me but I think I need to get my head screwed on.  Working is something that I got to do and I got my thing I got to do to make this world a better place.  God  has gave me the gifts and the talents for me to do something to help someone else and society.   The Wal Mart job that I apply for might be the start and I am studying Organizational Behavior.  There might be a connection - maybe I might help people at Wal Mart.  At least it is a job and I could start to contribute by helping making sure that the carts are put in the right location and maybe helping people bag groceries, find things, etc.  I know the store from one end to another and I might be a help there.

At least it is a job and it might be a start.  I really don't know what I truly want to do and there might be a lot of "I don't knows".  There are many places for me to go and things to see, and only God knows what is going to happen.

There are many things I got to do, but I have to start somewhere.  Something is going to motivate me to get me out of bed each more and I seem to be plodding along.   I am not really helping others, but I really don't know what to do to help others, to show love and passions for people.  There is a lot of things going for me and I think I have to start somewhere.\

Everyone is going in their own directions

I think I had accepted the college life but I haven't really accepted the college life.  I am starting to realize that a lot of the people that I know are starting to go in their own directions and they will probably not even see me, or even care for me again.  It looks like my old friends are starting to fade out of existance and I am starting a new path, but it is going to be harder to adjust.

I had been over to a different town for about 3 years and it was quite an adjustment, but I was starting to realize that I might of fit over there instead of over here.  I do go back to my hometown to see my parents, but everyone has left on their own direction and it is starting to get rather boring out there.  I can see some lonely times and it is hard to find anyone new to meet.

I do like the old and the familiar, and I feel comfortable with the old and the familiar, but I am looking at a lot of these people and I seem to don't fit anymore.  I am starting to get different interests and I am starting to redefine myself.  I still don't have a concept of who I am and I am starting to figure out who I am.

High school did have it's ups and down, just like anything else, and college is having it's ups and down.  College might be the time of the true adolescene while high school was a time where I was playing around and I really didn't care.  A lot of time in high school was rather boring and there was a lot of drama.  It seems like there was only about one peaceful year of the whole period of high school, while the rest was full of conflict and drama.  A lot of the drama was involved with relationships and girls - I was having crushes on girls but other guys were liking the same girl, and the other guy seem to get that girl and I felt left out.  I usually went after a blonde - probably my fantasy blonde without figuring out the compatability with these girls.

I think I was told that I was more mature than some of the high school students, and I seem to not "get them."  I think I might be a early bloomer or a very late bloomer.  I think I had my high time during some years in elementary school and that seems to fade out, and I think it might be resulted because of physical apperance.  I think the glasses had changed my self concept and a lot of other people's concept about me - they see me as smart but maybe not fitting in.  I was trying to fit in and I don't know how, but it seems like about junior year, I fit in pretty well.

I had some people that like me and I had some people that don't like me, which is pretty much everyone but it was a long journey on finding out who I am.

It is still awkward even right now - I feel especially ackward when I am on the internet when I am seeing these other people moving on with my life.  I find it hard to expand my horizons and make new friends - I don't really know where to start.  It might or might not be hard to find something in common.  I tend to be quiet in the college because I am trying to figure out who I am and where I fit.  There is a lot of thinking and I tend to think more inward than to try new things.  There are lots of things to explore, especially with genres of music and the like.  I love music and there are people that like music just like me, but it may be hard to find.  There is a lot of confusion, complication, and depression, and God please help me get through this so I can have it pretty peaceful.

I think I  should go on a quest and learn about my social world and I can see what truly is going on.  I am going to fit somewhere but I think I should go out and explore.  There are many possibility but I am going to find out where I fit somewhere.  Unless I like to be these people that tend to keep to myself and my family, instead of hanging out with too many peers.

2010s pop culture

The 2010s decade has only been around for about 2 years and there has been a lot of pop culture.  I can see the first changes about 2008 or even late 2007, where a lot of the 2000s stuff has started to turn into 2010s stuff.

The 2000s decade, in my opinion, was just a continuation of the 1990s in pop culture, but just a lot more glamorized and out of proportion.  There was not much originality in the 2000s; it has turned into a 1990s part 2.  The only thing is different is that the internet was starting to pick up and technology was starting to become more advanced like any other decade out there. The iPod was really big, which really started to have the indie/hipster culture started to rise because it is a contest to download bands that are CRAP and nobody ever heard or care of.  It was a garage band revival in the 2000s.

I  don't really care for a lot of 2000s - I think it just a rip off of the 1990s, which was pretty boring.  Hip-hop was starting to get blown out of porportion, the grunge/alternative was starting to get blown out of porportion with the emo music.  I went along with it just to fit in but a lot of it might not be truly me.  Reality TV was starting to become the norm and it was starting to become really common.

I can stand the 1990s because of the original idea, but it seems like everything had grinded to a halt in new pop culture, and I am wondering if the 2010s are starting to become more original.

The 2010s does have better fashion than the 2000s - I do like the brighter colors and people are not as "stand offish".  Girls wearing dresses in the 2010s are quite pretty and I like the more friendlier looking attire that doesn't have a skull on everything or something creepy.  The music is...well, I don't really have an opinion but I can see it is cheap and clunky sounding because of the recession, but I think when the economy picks up, something is going to emerge.  Dance music is starting to pick up big time, but it doesn't really sound that good, but eventually some direction is going to come in music.  The music is going to sound pretty square and conservative, as everything else is starting to come into.

I can see the recession has grinded everything to a halt and we are starting to have a "recessionary" look, but fads are trying to "emerge." A lot of the fashion was stuck around 2008 or 2009, but started to become more "square" than hippie-dippie.

I can see the internet is starting to become the place for pop culture as the broadband connections are starting to become the norm.  A lot of people are starting to become interested in "internet  celebrities" and pop culture, and it is not just for geeks or nerds; it is starting to become more for everyone.  We are starting to get some internet pop stars transmitted into real pop stars such as Justin Beiber and internet celebrities such as Shane Dawson might be way better than the celebrities on the actual TV.  The SmartTV and all these modern technology might merge the internet with the TV, making Shane Dawson a TV star instead of some "kooky internet" thing.

I  hope pop culture is going to get really good and I think the next generation is going to make pop culture good.  We are conformists; we want fads and we want to be cool.  It might be another 1950s with a lot of cool fads or  a new 1980s.  The 1960s and 1990s were the start of many new ideas; especially the 1960s, which was the continuation of whatever the "rock and roll" of the 1950s are starting, but I can see around the 2030s or something, there are going to be some "new" ideas, or just recycled old ideas that don't work.  But the 2010s might be an emergent of new ideas as well as pop culture; probably a more conservative culture.

Hopefully, there is going to be something new coming in and I can see something new already.  The traditional Americana culture might be coming back with the dissolution of the "hippie-dippie" stuff that has been dominating for the rest of the 20th century, which is not much creativity and more of a "statement."  Something is going to be coming, but it is going to take a higher economy and more creativity to do it.

The part of the plan

I can see whatever has happened to me, if you look closer, does have a connection of what I should be doing in the future.  Even though things happen they way they are, there are some subconscious things that show "previews" into the future.  I can see a pattern with the college life.  Something has to been done and some of the bad moments had been turned into good moments.

About 2 years ago, this girl likes me is a preview and the fact that girls do like me, but I have to do some shaping up.  I think she really liked me for who I was and she can see a lot of good in me.  She probably thought I was intelligent and had a good sense of humor, but she found someone better or someone "better" found her, which was lowering my self esteem.  I have a feeling that she might return and she might be "the one" or she is a preview of the "true one."

I can see she might be a preview of what's to come if I shape up, and many events make me want to shape up.  After this period of things are starting to come together, things are starting to fall apart at the same time.  It was probably a bunch of behavioral issues that are going to get things corrected.

Now things are getting corrected, but there is probably a timing issue I have to go through.  I think I have to survive this recession to help me grow up and I think I need to learn the valuable lesson of competition; that I need to put my best foot forward if I want what I want. With this economy and with the experiences, I had learned to "grab it" before it is too late or things are going to fall apart.

I think this job situation might be part of "the plan" and it works out.  I need to go through a responsibility riser such as a flood to grow me up and I need to probably spend a little more time on my own. I think this was a good budgeting experience and I think I have learned the lesson of "grab it" instrad of think about it.

I think she might be a very close to the one because she is a lot what I am looking for, but eventually I am going to get my values straight to see what I am truly looking for.  I think someone like her is for physical appearance and personality, but I am not sure if "she is the one" or not.

Things are going to be put together - just someday

It looks like things are going to be in a standstill, but actually things are starting to progress with me.  I hope things are going to get better and I think things are.  I have been battling this standstill for many years, but eventually I am going to snap out of it.

About 2006-2007, I did not have much idea of what I wanted to do with my life.  I wanted to become a teacher and I had a love for children, but I was enjoying high school and college was a long way for me.  The idea that I have to leave home and start a life did not faze me, but it seems like it was starting with romance, but I never really had a true chance with a long term romance.  A lot of time about 2006-2007 was spending on the internet, probably adding random people on MySpace and passing the time.  It was very fun to see what blonde girls I can collect that I know I could never had, and I have been having crushes on girls that have blonde hair.  I underappreciated the beauty of brunettes and redheads, but really, maybe a brunette is really not for me.

I really wasn't living the true life and I was living the fantasy world.  Of course, I was interested in the idea of being a rapper/pop singer/producer, something that was involved in the music world but with the true, these fantasies might be coming a reality.  It might be something fun that I'll like to do but I'll doubt that I'll become famous, and I'll probably not want to become famous in the first place.

I can see snippits of what I should be doing during my times in high school but it seems to get fined tuned by the time I am in college.  Reality is going to set in and the true me is going to come out.

I have been valuing relationships throughout my life and I am like a lot of people, worried about finding the right one.  I think I do have a close call and this girl I am talking about might be "the right one."  She's seems so perfect to me because she is just like...ME! Someone that will understand me, that thinks like me, and even goes down to the same quirks as me.  I seen her do a very similar quirk to me...yeah sounds like a match, probably a perfect match. But maybe there is too much me...maybe I need a little bit difference.  She's such a lovely girl, but it seems like I never had a chance with her.

I think this might be God's calling to find out what girl is probably going to be the one for me and she does have some dimensions.  I think this girl is what I want and I think this girl might be replaceable.

But she is so close to being like me; the same personality and even talks like me.  I think it must be God just creating an Eve from my ribs or something like that.  Eventually there is going to be someone just like me.

I don't see her that often and I wish to get to know her, and I hope she is not snapped up with some other guy.  I really don't like it when girls are snapped up with other guys.

I know it has been a frustration all these years and I seem to like girls too.  I am normal but I never seem to get anywhere with the women.  Someday somebody is going to find me and I want someone halfway cool too...not some ugly or deformed or some special ed type person; a normal person.

Eventually I am going to snap out of my problems and I am going to prove people wrong.  Someone is going to love me and there is probably someone of this Earth that is going to love me. 

I hope I have a chance with this girl  - she is very special to me but there are a lot of girls that are special too me.

I am eventually going to enter the world and maybe at least Wal Mart is interested in me; which is the bottom of the barrel of society but in my mind, I have gotten somewhere.  I have been searching for jobs all over the place and Wal Mart at least might be nice enough to let me  in.  But that is probably going to be my first job and it is probably going to stick in my head.

It seems like that the Lord does have a timing for things and I think the job situation might be a good timing.  I think I need to get medicated and that timing has been working out very good.  The timing of the situation might be part of a larger plans and I am starting to get previews of the larger plan that the might come across.  This girl is a preview of probably what my love is going to be like, but he has planned something different.  Maybe not now.

I can analyze all day the plans but really God does know.

The lonely years are going to end?

The last few years have been pretty dark and lonely.  It wasn't bad during the first year of college, but it started to become lonely about the 2nd and 3rd year of college.  I think it was something to do with growing up - the first year I had a lot of people from high school that I known and I went back to high school, but the 2nd year a lot of the people I known had went into their own direction and I was going into my own direction as well.

I can see a change when I got the medication - it was a new "me" I was trying to establish; a more grown-up me  or a more "focused me" and I was not sure what I am going to be like.  Even now I am not sure what I am going to be like, but I am getting there.  I was different before I had the medication, but it is a change in the brain that is going to make me "focused" and that will create a different me.  But I can see some of the same me as before, but as a lot more grown up and mature.

A lot of people can't figure out me, but I am starting to figure it out.  These last few years were not that bad trying to get things sorted out.  I did make new friends, but they did not last long or didn't have too many hang on to me.  A lot of times I rather be left to myself because there was a lot of "figuring out" to do.  There are many things about this world that I neve seen and I was starting to develop a view of this world, and what role should I play in this world.

Growing up is tough and I can see there is going to be a long way to go.  I still really don't know who I am but I am getting a better self-concept of who I am.  The college years are going to be lonely but I can see a less lonely college years are going to come out.

You have to understand that it is not my nature to "frat" because I am very busy, but I am open to being social.  I tend to be shy and want to stick to my family, and I have become closer to my family than I am used to. I am starting to find out who I am but I have a long way to go.

I am starting to figure out what I believe and what I don't believe, but I still have lots of exploration of what I like to do and what I don't like to do.  The music thing has been a passion, but I should be exposed to other interests as well.

Romantic relationships have been a interest for a long time, just to have a companion.  I would like to have romantic relationships but I tend to shy away and I am not ready.  There are a lot of figuring out to do and I am not sure if I am going to be out in the open or in my own little world.

The apartments were a lonely time but I think I needed that lonely time as well - I think I needed that lonely time to think about what is important in life and what should I be doing in life.  It has been a depressing time but I need that time.  I have been shoved in with roommates that were "not cool" and don't have anything in common with me.  Now I am shoved in with "cooler" roommates and I realized I don't have much in common.  There are nice kids to get to know but I seen to be shoved in with these roommates that are "not cool" or "misfitty".

Eventually I am going to snap out of the "lonely years" and start to find new friends.  During these lonely years, I was wishing that I would be dating this girl, but actually that girl is taken, which made the depression once worse. There were not that many girls in the apartment or in the school that are desirable, and that could be a great replacement for this girl.  This girl has always been on my mind recently and I am trying to break the ice, but really I am not sure if she likes me back.  I had class with this girl but she was taken and I decided to ignore her.  But now I have a feeling that she is not taken and she is available, and I might have a chance with her again, or she truly don't like me.

I am hoping that I am going to have a roommate in common but there might not be as many people as common as me.  I had been told that I think different; I have a different mindset than the typical person which probably makes me more lonely.  I might be one of these people that seem to be more abstract and philosophical than the typical person, and interested in the more abstract and philosophical things.  I can take music a little bit more different but life in general a little bit more different, but eventually someone is going to find me and think like me.  A lot of people might be a little bit more concrete and down the Earth, which is more fine, but eventually someone is going to find me that seem to be the more abstract and philosophical.  I am not some "hippie", I seem to be pretty conservative but I think it might be the roots from my family members, that seem to think more that way.

The internet is a great place for me to find that but I think I need to get more down to Earth and out of my own world.  Someone is going to find me, probably romantically, a Lord please help me find some friends.

I can see this move might be a different perspective on thing.  I do like sports but I am not nuts about sports. But I should be a little more open minded.  I tend to be more of the right brain, which is not typical of a guy, and the left brain seems to bore me, but eventually I am going to think different.

I wish I had another chance with this girl

I never really had a girlfriend all my life, but I had gotten very close to having one a few years ago.  This girl really liked me, but I never really gotten to know her since I was going to college, but she was very special for me.  I did have feelings for her but I was too shy to break the ice, but I did have sort of an "online relationship".  I really wanted to get to know her but I did have a chance, but I have blew that chance.

The worse thing happen and I was starting to go in a loneliness and a depression.  She found a another boyfriend and I felt like I had lost my love. I never really felt the same and it was a lonely year.  I am trying to get her back but she was sucking on to that boyfriend.  That boyfriend was a lot different from me; he was sort of a jock and she was in sports - both of them are sort of athletic and at least they have something in common.  But she seemed like a nice girl to get to know but the fact that I am not in sports probably got me away from her - I probably don't have much in common.  But I really want to get to know this girl because she was special.

It was very lonely and depressing, and that girl made things feel so good. I don't know why but I think she would of made a great date.  But I had lost the chance with that girl and that made things very lonely.  School was very lonely and I was with roommates that I didn't really care for, and there were not too many girls over there that didn't want to get to know me.  The roommates were not that cool and I was ashamed of hanging with these roommates.  That damaged my reputation a lot and that girl was the escape.  But I was trapped with these roommates and things were not that happy.  I was trying to fit in and make new friends,and I did make a friend or too, but the apartment life was not that good for me.

That girl was very special for me and someday she might have another chance.  I don't think I found too many girls that I like and I don't really care about the people that were around me in the last few years.  College was a very lonely time and it seems like there are not too many people around me that could appreciate me.

I have been told that I think different and act different than a lot of the people around here.  But eventually there are going to be people that are going to be a lot like me.  I don't think I am as weird as I think I am.   Lets see how I am different.  I think one thing is that I am not currently involved in sports.  I do like music but I am probably interested in more mature music that a lot of college students, but I should have an open mind.  I am not much of a gamer. But eventually there are going to be people that think and act like me - we have the wonderful world of the world wide web to find people that are similar to me.

I would like to have another chance with this girl, but I need to have some help finding a girl. I would like to find  a girl just like her - she is very special to me but I would like to have another girl that has the same personality as her and look a lot similar to her.  She is very beautiful and I deep down love her.  But I am not sure if she truly loves me or she loves some other guy.  I think I am going to feel very hurt if I can't have a chance with her - I think it is very hard to find girls that are just like her.

Lord please let me have a chance with this girl or help me find a girl that is just like her.  She was very special to me and she made me feel very good - I feel very special when she is close to me and I would like to get to know her. I don't know if she likes me or not, and I am not sure if I want to take the risk of getting to know her.  I tend to be shy around girls but I like this girl - she is mine and these other guy is really making me feel sort of tough emotionally.

Shy love

You know it is a constant whine for me, but I do have to release my frustrations.  I have to admit it; I am not that good with women and I never really had a successful relationship with women.  I did probably dated women, and the farthest that I got is holding hands, but I have never been in any serious relationships or romance at all.

I seen other people my age who have boyfriends and girlfriends and I always wonder how do they get these girls.  I have been noticing something about me that they don't have.  What seem to get the girls?  And  I have been going after, or having crushes on girls that are usually taken by some other guy, most likely a guy that was seem as "cooler" than me or more with it than me.

I think I have been going after, or fantasizing, the wrong type of girls.  I think I been going after the girl for the looks, and it is usually a blonde, or a redhead, but it was there for the looks.  I am not looking at too many brunettes even though brunettes are a lot more common, and they are "boring" in my mind.  I think I have been not looking at the personality or the interests of the girls, or I don't really have a personality that is too defined myself.

I really don't know the girls but if I got to know the girls, I probably won't have anything in common.  I think I am going after girls that look nice but I don't have much to talk about.

I like music and there are a lot of girls that like music, but a lot of them are liking music that I don't listen to too often such as rock music or country music.  I listened to a lot of R&B, hip-hop, pop, and dance, and it seems like R&B and hip-hop was not a common girl interest around my area.  A lot of them are kind of "country" and "redneck" girls that like to do things such as mudding, four wheeling, fishing, hunting, and all these outdoorsy stuff.  Of course I have been in a small town and that's what we do in a small town.  A lot of girls are also involved in sports and they like to play basketball, etc. and probably want guys that are involved in sports.

I think around my area, I think I was not having that much common interests with the other girls, and I think a lot of it is I am wrinkling up my nose at the "small  town redneck stuff".  There  are probably not too many girls around me that like to listen to R&B/hip-hop music that are white, because that style of music is created by and made for "colored people", and there are not that many "colored people" around my area.  I think a lot of it was not appreciating where I was living and being too picky.  I am probably living that fantasy of having a trophy blonde that likes the same "city music" - this might work on MTV but not really in where I live.  A lot of the blondes where I live probably like country music and they are influenced by country than the more "urban music."

But now I have a chance and I am more open minded with music than I used to, and I should start appreciating more the "hometown stuff" and get rid of the "redneck prejudice" just like I was told not to like  "black prejudice".  You do have prejudice but I shouldn't stereotype people and be prejudice, even of white people.  Rednecks are a stereotype and really it has been boiled down to anybody that is rural and likes to listen to country music and is at a lower class.  There are a lot of hard working people that are rednecks that will keep the country going.

I think I might have a better chance with girls when I am more open minded about girls.  I should take a lot at various girls and to see my inner beauty.

Dating might be easier if I have a more "open mind" and start finding girls that have interests and a personality similar to me, and values similar to me.  I shouls really listen to the values that are put into "hip-hop/R&B" music and "country music" and see which is more similar to me.  The girls that listen to country are pretty conservative and I seem to be more conservative than I think, and really I had explored the "liberal media" that are on MTV.

I think there is a girl that thinks that I am very special, and I wish  I have the guts to get to know her, and have a special relationship.

There are a lot of finding myself and there are a lot of  exploring to day - I was more open minded than most high school kids but I had my prejudice as well.

What next year has to bring

It seems like I am in the transition from the school world to the work world - I haven't really have that much experience in the work world, but the school world was most of my responsibility has been taken place.  A job would of been very good for me and I am going to experience the "real world" and what role I have in society.

The real world is a lot different than the school world; the real world is where everyone is doing their own thing.  It seems like there is a different social structure in the school world vs the real world.

In the real world, everyone seems to hang in a family. You have your spouses or relationships, and you have your offspring.  It seems like there is a connection between you and your significant other, and whatever God gives you for offspring.  I haven't found my other half yet, but I can see there is a whole bunch of girls out there but I haven't really found the right one for me.

It seems like people seem to have their role and their niche, and I haven't really found my niche either.  There is a lot of growing up to do, but eventually I am going to get there.

I am finding relationships important but I haven't really had a chance to develop too many relationships.  I have been in apartments where I haven't really have anything in common with my roommates or the people around me, but eventually I am going to find someone in common.  I tend to be a quiet person that rather keep to myself - I have a lot of things to think about instead of fratting around.  There is a whole new world that I have to absorb and I am getting a better concept of this world around me.

This growing up thing has been a tough experience, and some days, I want to still be a kid and some days, I want to grow up.  It will be nice to buy my own things and possibly go on dates, but sometimes I really don't want to face the responsibility and reality of growing up.  I have it pretty easy to have someone take care of me, but it is about time for me to fend for myself.  Cleaning and cooking is boring, so I should try to find someone that will clean and cook for me.

There are a lot of decisions and a lot of commitment to make - it seem like it is easier to go back to the carefree days of when I was a younger person, but it is not that great either.  The world is harsh and there is a lot of competition - a lot more than the school environment and it seems like there is a lot of growing up to do.  I still want to stay in my little high school world but it is hard to get out of it.  Getting into high school was a hard transition as well but I had made it.

But there are some benefits of getting older.  I am more respected and I have more freedom to do things - back then you are just a "little punk" that most people don't believe but now people do believe me. But there is a lot of responsibility and getting older is not as much as a "joyride" as I think it is...there are a lot of responsibilities and obligations, and there is a lot of putting yourself to other people.  But eventually the day is going to come when I accept this.

What is love to me

Love is a deep, deep, deep emotion and I rarely experience the feeling of love.  But when I feel it, it feels great.  Every once in a while, I see a girl with some short shorts on the street and I just think about how hot she looks, but love is a little bit different.

I start getting a lot stronger feeling when I really like someone or love someone.  I start just acting like the world is just a blur and she is the only one in the room, and she is the only one on my mind.  I start getting an obsession on that person.  It does feel like a drug and when someone takes away that love, I start going into the deepest depression.  It is almost just like your cat dies.

I never been in a true long term relationship, but I had strong feelings for girls.  Sometimes I get so strong of feelings that I get speechless or start thinking about only her and that's about it.  The whole world is based on her and anything else, just forget about that.  I start getting mood swings and I start thinking very irrational, but I think that is a great time for emotional expression.

Love is so strong of an emotion that great songs and art are made. Most songs are about love and relationships.

I don't think I found the right one, but I think I would like to experiment around with love.  It is a very intense emotion and it hits me when there is someone that makes me feel so great.  Love is a great feeling and that is probably a great motivator.

I sometimes have fantasies and these fantasies are great, but I need sometime to get into the real world.  I get this feeling like I am floating, floating around in the flowers and I seem to get this nice, warm, tender feeling - oooh it feels so great.  But it is rare and it is something that I'll like to have.

A romance that never happened

I was not that very lucky of a person with romantic relationships, and I never really gotten into any commited relationships.  In fact, relationships, even friendsships were very hard for me.  Of course, I had friends and there are many people that do care for me, but I never really went too far.

There has been this girl and this girl was someone that I never really thought about in high school, but after high school, this girl was starting to walk all over me.  I was minding my own business and I think she was a secret admirer of me that I never seem to know about at all.  She is a pretty girl and she was very similar to me in many ways - skinny, blondish brownish hair and a similar personality to me, but I never really gotten a chance to get to know her. But when I finally noticed her, I was really emotionally aroused and I was starting to feel something for her.  It did felt like a little bit of love coming here - I think she is in love with me and I think she was not in love with me.

For a while, she was involved with another date while I was finally noticing her and I made a big deal.  Once she did fine a date, I was having problems and I was going through a lot of emotional distress.  Seeing her was like a drug and it seems like when I didn't see her or I know I can't get her, it was the biggest withdrawal without her.  I was addicted to her - she was like crack looking at her.

Now my interests had faded for that girl, but every once in a while, she creeps back up to me and that great feeling starts coming.  I am not sure if I really want to get to know this girl or if she really loves her, or it is something that is all in my head.  I don't think I am good at romance, but I do have feelings for her.

Romance never been a thing that I was good at.  I seen other kids have romantic relationships and I never really have  a chance to have a romantic encounter too.  I see girls that I want to get but there is always some other guy that seem to grab on to her first.  I start thinking I am ugly, or I am not that good enough for girls, or nobody likes me, or I am not cool enough.

But I think I might of have a chance with this girl if I got to know her in high school, and I think this girl might be someone that I want to get to know.  I am not that good with other women, and I haven't really gotten involved that much with other women. Someday a romantic encounter is going to happen to me, and I have a feeling that this girl could be a potential mate for me.  But I am not sure if I am going to see this girl or if I want to get to know that girl, or if she truly likes me as much as she appears to like me.

Someday I'm going to find someone and I think this girl might be a preview of the girls that I might be getting in the future. I can see she's a pretty girl, a lovely girl, someone that I want to walk up and kiss. She is so special to me and I love it when I see her look at me.  I know this will make great song lyrics, but I think I should express that emotional arousal I keep getting when I see that girl.

I think she loves me, but she doesn't want to admit it.  I am pretty sure she is in love with me.  Whenever I see her, her face just lightens up when she sees me.  She's a wonderful girl.  It is very hard to find a girl like her but it makes me feel like I am in a totally different world.  A wonderful world where everything feel so great.  I think God does have decided a match for me and sometimes I am made for each other.

But you never know, I am not sure if she truly loves me but someday I am going to find someone that truly loves me.  I think someone like her, that same type.

The flood experience and growing up

My hometown was drenched by a massive rainstorm a few weeks ago, which created a massive flood, which has impacted almost everyone in the hometown, including me.  This was an experience for growing up and this was one of these experiences that help me realize the important things in life, as well as appreciate the simpler things in life that I have taken for granted.

Going home from college was somewhat of a break:  I got my clothes washed, and my belly feed, but it was a different experience with the flood.  There was a lot more responsibility and courage that is needed.  I had different beliefs of what is important to me than my parents.  I am at the age where quality relationships are important, as well as finding myself.  My parents are done with finding themselves and they are taking their time to help other people such as the family.

Relationships are really important and that involves a lot of "give and take", which I have not been focusing a lot of my energy on lately.  I want just people to give things to me without giving things to anyone else.  Relationships require a lot of my commitment of someone else to another person and that is a lot of giving.  I am giving up my life to spend time with this other person and to give appreciation to this other person.  I need to be a more selfless individual.

This flood experience has been teaching me a lot of valuable lessons.  The world is not all about me, but I am part of a community and I need to help other people to be part of the community.  Not everyone is going to come and suck up to me; I am just another person and people are going to know me for the function that I was doing, and how I have contributed to the community and to other people.

I do have many things that may be helpful for the community and for other people.  Relationships tend to have rewards and I have many things that may be rewards for some other people, and  I may have some talents or rewards that are helpful for the community.  I am just another speck and I am not the center of the universe - I am really just another random person doing that thing.

I am trying to find the right someone that is for me and I think I need to give myself to others.   There might be something about me might be helpful for another person.  A selfless individual might be better than a selffish individual - I should show that I do love someone that have someone love me for just being me!

People usually ask other people "What do they do?".  What is their function.  Do they cook, raise children, create food, heal people, protect people, educated people - there might be something that they do.  Other people will love to hear me make music, but other people will like to see me do some practical things that are going to help. What am  I here to help? There must be something that I am here for to help someone.

My contributions are starting to take place with my cat and he appreciates it.  I feed him, let him out, and just be his companion, and he looks forward to seeing me.  Maybe I can do this to humans - I can nurture the human and the person will want to come back to see me.