It seems like I had a totally different view of the world when I am on different medications. For a while, I was on no medications and I basically had a mind of a child. When I started college, I did not get the concept and I did not even want to go to college. It was something I had to do, but I didn't get the concept - it was probably some cool thing you seen in movies, but in real life it is a scary place. It seems like I was here for the ride and it was a very stressful experience. I did not want to meet anyone new because the people there were too old and intimidating for me. I was in there mostly for play - like I really enjoyed the audio recording and I played a lot of video games, and I went back to the high school a lot. Even past high school, younger kids were sucking on to me and that was getting creepy.
Now, when I jacked it up to a 40 mg pill, I was thinking more like a high school freshman. My concept of college is just like high school, but in reality it is not like high school. But in my mind, I honestly thought it was high school. I was obsessing on fitting in and making new friends, while everyone else have other things on mind and they realize they can find friends anyway. I had feelings of loneliness and despair. I did not have any concept of what I was going into, but at least I was taking classes just like high school and fitting in was more important. It was very tough thinking like a high school freshman when everyone was done with it.
Then it was jacked up to 60 mg. I finally got the concept of college and I knew I had to get my act together, but it didn't really complete the picture. I still was hanging on to a lot of high school stuff, but I knew I had to figure out something someday, but I don't know what. I was more interested in relationships and very good friendships instead of getting an education and getting my shit together. I knew it was on the horizon, but it was something that was on the back of my mind.
In the last month, I was at 100% and things are starting to fall into place. I am thinking in present and getting the concept of the college. I am thinking about more mature thoughts than ever before and I am getting things figured out. I think there is hope in the future. I am stressing out about the things that truly important in life, and I realize that people do like me, but I need to work on liking them back. I am getting help and moving forward; making progress like I should be doing and I am thinking more in the present and think high school was decades ago. It was 3 years ago and the time was long gone, and better days are to come. Now I am starting to get pissed off taking classes that are a waste of time when I have a good idea of what I want to go into. The world is not a scary place anymore, and I am getting exciting about the things that are going to happen in the future. Things are starting to click.
It was like a great awakening...It is a great awakening. I was in a dark age for so long then I had a great realization - like an Enlightenment. The effect is going to wear out and things are going to be going good. I felt like I am finally going to fight this crisis.
But now I am going to fight this stressful end of the year and have an enjoyable Christmas.
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