Thanksgiving and Christmas are one of the best Holidays out there - we are celebrating somebody very special to Christians is the birth of Jesus Christ and we are celebrating about something that we are thankful for. Thanksgiving has turned into a holiday where you can stuff your gut and watch Detroit play football - it is a very self centered holiday with something that values unselfishness. Almost all holidays values unselfishness - thanksgiving, Christmas, fourth of July, etc and appreciation - each holiday is known for being thankful and appreciate of what you got - lets say the fourth of July is being thankful for your freedom and independence, while memorial day is a holiday that honors the people that passed before you. But I'll think about thanksgiving and what I am thankful for.
I haven't really thought about the things that I have been truly thankful for - I'll first have to start out with my parents. I do take my parents for granted but my parents had let me go through college - they were the ones that saved that money and made sure that I went this far into college. They also made sure I had enough money to spend time in the apartments. They made such I was feed and my clothes are washed all throughout the years, taught me how to drive, and got me through school. Some things they didn't do and I have many regrets - my Dad did not show me how to do things yet and my mom did not make sure I was the coolest with the cell phones and the clothes - they did not value these things and had different ideas about me. My parents didn't care if I was cool or anything - it was not their top priority but they wanted me to find a path, which I am working on right now. My parents had did a lot for me - I go home every weekend to get me fed and they listen to me. They helped me go through the toughest times and will give up their lives just to help me get through things, but they time is going to come to let go.
I am thankful for my grandparents - they are all dead now but they also added a bit to the inspiration. Of course they were cookies and stuff like that, and they spoiled me more than my parents but at least my grandparents wanted to make me feel good about myself in some ways. They were a great help when times are tough - not just with soup and cookies, but with good practical advice. They are gone but their values are going to live on.
This college education is something I have to be thankful for - it has been a long continuing journey and I am going through the toughest with the journey. There was a period of exploration and there is more exploration I have to go through, but this year looks like a year to actually jump in and do stuff. I am starting to get a reality check about life about what is truly going on - I haven't really experienced many things and many things are starting to hurt. I am starting to get thoughts about myself and who loves me in general, and who doesn't really love me anyway. But I am starting to become thankful for this college education - I needed to be educated to grow - the many classes that I took started to give me a different perspective about the world and I am starting to get a different perspective each time I learn new things. College is a time to think about the world around you and the different places in the world, and how I fit in this world.
I am thankful for the help I am getting - I am finally getting some professional help with the depression from the counselors, doctors, etc. It looks like I am finally getting things fixed to make me a healthy, strong, competent human being. This blood pressure pill is something that I needed - my heart rate is starting to slow down and I am starting to get some body on me instead of a very skinny guy. I am starting to bulk up and become pretty attractive looking for a person, and I am thinking that things such as hormones, nutrients are being pumped at a slower, more healthy rate. It is a transition I am getting proud of and I am starting to like my appearance more and more.
There are many things that I am getting thankful for - it looks like things are going rock bottom but some days are just moments that I do cherish. A lot of moments are like a roller coaster ride - some days I feel very depressed and helpless and some days I am very happy - I have been having a lot of swings lately. I don't know why it has to be so long to get things figured out and why certain moments have to be so tough - I am trying to figure out why? Why do these things have to happen to me? Why me?
I have been making a lot of progress in the last few months - especially with October and November - there has been a rapid change and more change is going to happen in December. October is a month where the friendships had picked up but November is more when I started to get these health problem figured out. Lets see what's December has to offer.
I am especially thankful for music - Music is something that can get you through anything and it is everywhere. Now the genres had been so diverse and we are exposed to more music than ever before because of the internet - you can buy and download some of the weirdest music and we are starting to show our human potential and human expression. I am thankful for being born into a generation where I have access to the Web - the web has open self expression and let humans connect. I can finally express myself into the depths of the internet - the Web is where you can show off your local garage band, your artwork, your craftsmanship, something that is not controlled by the traditional corporations - people could finally expose their talent to the world and express themselves to the world.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Do I really want to go back to this?
In the past weekend, I had experienced many past lives that I have encountered, but now with a totally different perspective. Do I really want to go back to this? I should think twice about this.
A lot of my time in high school was involved with dealing with elderly people and seeing grandparents. I had took a walk through the nursing home without the old people and it has been a totally different world - I have a totally different perspective on the rest home. The rest home looks not that much different than a college environment - elderly people are watching sports and the apartments are very similar to dorm rooms - there is even a dining hall that is very similar to a traditional college dorm. You have your R.A's there too that watch you with every move and see if you are behaving yourself. I am starting to realize that this college life is old - it is the rest home.
I went back to a high school to see a string concert - a lot of my high school was involved with being part of the band and choir, and I am starting to get a different perspective of the students that are involved with these artsy activities. The artsy students are different than what I think they are - they are very similar to me in many ways and they are not these weird hipster emo people as I thought they are. I always had that perspective when I was in the high school because that dominated that artsy end off the school. A lot of the girls are quite attractive and even preppy looking who attend these events.
Then I went back to one of my old college apartments - apartment 24. Apartment 24 was the rauwdy drama apartment but now I went into Apartment 24 and it looks like a totally different place. Apartment 24 is pretty neat and cleaned up, and it is a very nice, quiet apartment to be in. The reputation has changed with that Apartment and I had a different perspective.
It looks like I am having a different view than what I thought - the rest home is not the fogey place as I thought it was; it is starting to become a pretty frat, and I am realizing that the actual young people, like the college students are actually the fogey people. They look like they are pretty polished even compared to the older generation. I am starting to get a different perspective about things. Or this what it was always going on, but I was not that focused and I was in a fog. I have been looking at these past places and I have an opposite perspective than I originally have it - I have been underrating these artsy/theatre people and I have been overrating the rest home. I think I am going to continue having a different perspective with things.
A lot of my time in high school was involved with dealing with elderly people and seeing grandparents. I had took a walk through the nursing home without the old people and it has been a totally different world - I have a totally different perspective on the rest home. The rest home looks not that much different than a college environment - elderly people are watching sports and the apartments are very similar to dorm rooms - there is even a dining hall that is very similar to a traditional college dorm. You have your R.A's there too that watch you with every move and see if you are behaving yourself. I am starting to realize that this college life is old - it is the rest home.
I went back to a high school to see a string concert - a lot of my high school was involved with being part of the band and choir, and I am starting to get a different perspective of the students that are involved with these artsy activities. The artsy students are different than what I think they are - they are very similar to me in many ways and they are not these weird hipster emo people as I thought they are. I always had that perspective when I was in the high school because that dominated that artsy end off the school. A lot of the girls are quite attractive and even preppy looking who attend these events.
Then I went back to one of my old college apartments - apartment 24. Apartment 24 was the rauwdy drama apartment but now I went into Apartment 24 and it looks like a totally different place. Apartment 24 is pretty neat and cleaned up, and it is a very nice, quiet apartment to be in. The reputation has changed with that Apartment and I had a different perspective.
It looks like I am having a different view than what I thought - the rest home is not the fogey place as I thought it was; it is starting to become a pretty frat, and I am realizing that the actual young people, like the college students are actually the fogey people. They look like they are pretty polished even compared to the older generation. I am starting to get a different perspective about things. Or this what it was always going on, but I was not that focused and I was in a fog. I have been looking at these past places and I have an opposite perspective than I originally have it - I have been underrating these artsy/theatre people and I have been overrating the rest home. I think I am going to continue having a different perspective with things.
Friday, November 15, 2013
College - it was well worth it?
I am at the ending times of my college life and I am going to enter the next stage of my life - entering the "real world". Of course the real world is going to be a scary experience unless I have everything set up in the right way and I am starting to get things set up in the way that is very simple for me. I am getting a clearer idea of what my path should be and a clearer idea of what my goal is going to be - there is a lot of decisions to be made but things are going to work out as the time comes.
Actually, I am in the real world right now for most of the time and the time I am at college life is starting to dwindle. I am not having this "high school" like college life and the structured lifestyle of college is starting to become more flexible. But there is some structure to the schedule was well, balancing my homework and projects along with other responsibilities. I am going to enter the next stage in my life at a very soon rate and I am starting to get less fear about the world - I am going to start simple.
A simple start is better than a complicated start - I'll probably be residing in my college apartments and working in some sort of retail business, most likely a grocery store. Most of my time is going to be involved with working and earning some money, which will be used for living and having fun. I am probably going to be developing new hobbies, and making new friends, along with connecting with old friends. There is probably not going to be that much drastic change and I am planning on a slow change instead of a fast rapid change. I have been having this fear of being out in the world with no path - the world is a lot more chaotic that the structured school world, especially with this modern day chaotic society.
Society has been chaotic lately - it looks like we are starting to become more accustomed to part time work than to full time work and life is like a continuous weekend. The concept of the work week and the weekend is going to be gone and it is going to be a seamless weekend. People will start working from their homes, going to school from home, and then will be going up town to socialize. Of course, you are going to have positions such as the retail but the managerial positions are going to be at home work - most professional jobs will be out of the home in the telecommuting nature instead of in the traditional brick and mortar office.
I don't know what my path in life is going to be - of course I am going to have my long term goals such as a five year plan but each day is going to be living day by day. Each day is going to be a new adventure and something is supposed to happen everyday. I am starting to grow up and be able to choose my destiny, but I also can hold on to the simplicity of childhood. It was more of a simpler life back then without much responsibility but you have a lot more options now that you are in childhood. Things that are childhood fantasies are going to become realities - there are many fantasies are going to become a reality in the future such as what is my own home is going to be like, who I am going to marry, and what my kids are going to be like. This college life has been a period of development and I had changed a lot, and I will like to thank God and my parents for this college life to happen.
Actually, I am in the real world right now for most of the time and the time I am at college life is starting to dwindle. I am not having this "high school" like college life and the structured lifestyle of college is starting to become more flexible. But there is some structure to the schedule was well, balancing my homework and projects along with other responsibilities. I am going to enter the next stage in my life at a very soon rate and I am starting to get less fear about the world - I am going to start simple.
A simple start is better than a complicated start - I'll probably be residing in my college apartments and working in some sort of retail business, most likely a grocery store. Most of my time is going to be involved with working and earning some money, which will be used for living and having fun. I am probably going to be developing new hobbies, and making new friends, along with connecting with old friends. There is probably not going to be that much drastic change and I am planning on a slow change instead of a fast rapid change. I have been having this fear of being out in the world with no path - the world is a lot more chaotic that the structured school world, especially with this modern day chaotic society.
Society has been chaotic lately - it looks like we are starting to become more accustomed to part time work than to full time work and life is like a continuous weekend. The concept of the work week and the weekend is going to be gone and it is going to be a seamless weekend. People will start working from their homes, going to school from home, and then will be going up town to socialize. Of course, you are going to have positions such as the retail but the managerial positions are going to be at home work - most professional jobs will be out of the home in the telecommuting nature instead of in the traditional brick and mortar office.
I don't know what my path in life is going to be - of course I am going to have my long term goals such as a five year plan but each day is going to be living day by day. Each day is going to be a new adventure and something is supposed to happen everyday. I am starting to grow up and be able to choose my destiny, but I also can hold on to the simplicity of childhood. It was more of a simpler life back then without much responsibility but you have a lot more options now that you are in childhood. Things that are childhood fantasies are going to become realities - there are many fantasies are going to become a reality in the future such as what is my own home is going to be like, who I am going to marry, and what my kids are going to be like. This college life has been a period of development and I had changed a lot, and I will like to thank God and my parents for this college life to happen.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Something you didn't know about me
I know this is a very tragic story and this happened when I was a very young child, right when I was starting preschool. I probably didn't have much memory of this but I could of had a sister. When I was only 3 years old, my mom was ready to have a baby but when the baby was born, the baby was dead. Having a dead baby is a very tragic experience - it is one of the worst experiences that a person could have. I was ready for a sister but I didn't have a sister.
Right now, my sister would of been 19 years old and she would of been a freshman in college. On November 9, which would of been her 19th birthday, I was having a lot of problems. I was having anxiety problem which resulted in me to be in the hospital - I had to talk to a shrink and everything, but I was starting to find out it was simply a problem with the heart rate - some simple medical problem.
But really, it has been a very tough 19 years throughout the school years. I don't want to reveal any secrets on the internet but things had been very tough for me. I had been a problem child in elementary school and I had been having the same problems throughout high school and college. It looks like things had been improving throughout the high school years, and I was having some good times in high school - I even had some good times in elementary school, but the college years had been a tough experience for me. But now it looks like things are going through an upswing and things are going to be a lot better in the future.
I don't get the connection here but there might be a message from my sister - something that she was trying to tell me. I never saw my sister but she knows me some how and she probably was guiding me around. This is very mysterious but why everything seems to be figured out by about the time she turns 19 years old or the time she enters the college world if she was alive. I don't know what my sister is going to be like but I can have a guess what she is going to be like, and she is probably going to be a lot like one of the friends that I have made in college.
I don't get why I have to go through this - I am asking myself why? Why? What is the reason behind this chaos and it looks like the junk started when my sister was born dead. She may be physically born dead but she is still alive and well in the spiritual world.
God does have a reason for something and maybe there is a reason why I have to go through this. I was born as a perfectly normal child but then it looks like everything has fallen apart when I was 3 years old. Of course I have my good times in my life and my life is not wasted, but I am thinking why I have to go through this. In the long run, there might be a reason and I am trying to figure out the reason.
There is probably two sides of me - a cool me and a not cool me. The cool me does come out once in a while but the not cool me is revealed a lot, and the cool me is hidden. There is a cool version of me - somebody very awesome that is hidden deep inside me but it has been covered by this person who is this sort of an awkward person. The cool me is unpeeled when people give me a chance and when it is revealed, people like it, but it looks like it is replaced by this awkward, not cool version of myself. It's like a 2 sided personality - some kids in school thought I was awesome and some kids thought I was lame - it is the right kids know the cool me. The awkward me might be some sort of front - I don't know how the cool me gets hidden. Maybe there is some time I can be cool all the time. This is like a competition and it might be my sister in the spiritual world telling me that I am not cool and she could be cooler like it is a rivalry going on. When the cool me comes out, the sister probably gets jealous and makes me uncool so she can be cool. But maybe the truth can be revealed how I can truly be this awesome person.
Right now, my sister would of been 19 years old and she would of been a freshman in college. On November 9, which would of been her 19th birthday, I was having a lot of problems. I was having anxiety problem which resulted in me to be in the hospital - I had to talk to a shrink and everything, but I was starting to find out it was simply a problem with the heart rate - some simple medical problem.
But really, it has been a very tough 19 years throughout the school years. I don't want to reveal any secrets on the internet but things had been very tough for me. I had been a problem child in elementary school and I had been having the same problems throughout high school and college. It looks like things had been improving throughout the high school years, and I was having some good times in high school - I even had some good times in elementary school, but the college years had been a tough experience for me. But now it looks like things are going through an upswing and things are going to be a lot better in the future.
I don't get the connection here but there might be a message from my sister - something that she was trying to tell me. I never saw my sister but she knows me some how and she probably was guiding me around. This is very mysterious but why everything seems to be figured out by about the time she turns 19 years old or the time she enters the college world if she was alive. I don't know what my sister is going to be like but I can have a guess what she is going to be like, and she is probably going to be a lot like one of the friends that I have made in college.
I don't get why I have to go through this - I am asking myself why? Why? What is the reason behind this chaos and it looks like the junk started when my sister was born dead. She may be physically born dead but she is still alive and well in the spiritual world.
God does have a reason for something and maybe there is a reason why I have to go through this. I was born as a perfectly normal child but then it looks like everything has fallen apart when I was 3 years old. Of course I have my good times in my life and my life is not wasted, but I am thinking why I have to go through this. In the long run, there might be a reason and I am trying to figure out the reason.
There is probably two sides of me - a cool me and a not cool me. The cool me does come out once in a while but the not cool me is revealed a lot, and the cool me is hidden. There is a cool version of me - somebody very awesome that is hidden deep inside me but it has been covered by this person who is this sort of an awkward person. The cool me is unpeeled when people give me a chance and when it is revealed, people like it, but it looks like it is replaced by this awkward, not cool version of myself. It's like a 2 sided personality - some kids in school thought I was awesome and some kids thought I was lame - it is the right kids know the cool me. The awkward me might be some sort of front - I don't know how the cool me gets hidden. Maybe there is some time I can be cool all the time. This is like a competition and it might be my sister in the spiritual world telling me that I am not cool and she could be cooler like it is a rivalry going on. When the cool me comes out, the sister probably gets jealous and makes me uncool so she can be cool. But maybe the truth can be revealed how I can truly be this awesome person.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Living in a joyride
In the past month or 6 weeks, I have been living in a joyride at the wrong time. I know that graduation and moving on with life is going to be only about 6 months from now, which is a very short time from now, but it is going to be a very rapidly changing time. 6 months ago was last May and I was just out for the summer - I was out in the "real world" for a small sample. I was starting to navigate the real world really well - I was starting to cook my own dinner and wash my own clothes; I had established some routines for cooking and cleaning, and my apartment was relatively clean. It was a quiet time but it was rather lonely, but it wasn't really that bad once I got used to it. I was getting so used to living on my own partway that I was starting to dread roommates - who I am going to get which makes me rather uncomfortable.
That summer was a long and quiet summer, and that eventually ventured into the fall. Then another joyride started to take place, and I was having so much fun, enjoying the college life that I was starting to neglect many other things that were important in life, such as proper nutrition and cleaning, along with valuing my college education and what I am going to do in the future. Of course, I could care less and I would like to start simple, but I probably won't want the simple living if I get used to it. I am fearful about the future and I was excited about the future at the same time.
The improper nutrition resulted me to start feeling sick and starting to develop many mood swings, sometimes at dangerous level. I had to be hospitalized for a short time because of the stress, which makes me start to realize that I need to value some things that I have been taking for granted. I have been taking the car for granted for a long time, and I have been living without a car for about 3 months - riding a bike is not the same and I have to time myself for moving to certain locations to chase rain and darkness. I have been ignoring some responsibility while I was having fun - I was starting to slack on my cooking skills and cooking my own food, making myself malnourished and my cleaning, especially with doing laundry, along with the education. All I have been prioritizing is fitting in and having fun with some friends - of course friendship is important but there are other things that are just as important, which is eating healthy, which involves the extra responsibility of cooking and cleaning up my mess for health reasons. Cooking and cleaning may be stodgy things that I don't want to do, but they are the basic things for survival and being healthy. I should be a little more concerned about my appearance and the way I present myself as well - I can't just go out and buy new duds - I have to change the person from within.
I have been learning a lot of lessons and there are a lot more lessons to be learned. I could be this cool guy and I could be a loser - looking healthy will make me cool - eating right and personal hygiene, exercise, all the things that the doctor tells you to do all the time is essential for being a cool person. I was just focusing on text messaging, but not on the other things such as personal appearance and hygiene, along with changing the way I am within.
Of course, if I look closely, the friends that I know actually cook their own food and do their own laundry, clean up, etc. and they are just as cool - I should do it too.
That summer was a long and quiet summer, and that eventually ventured into the fall. Then another joyride started to take place, and I was having so much fun, enjoying the college life that I was starting to neglect many other things that were important in life, such as proper nutrition and cleaning, along with valuing my college education and what I am going to do in the future. Of course, I could care less and I would like to start simple, but I probably won't want the simple living if I get used to it. I am fearful about the future and I was excited about the future at the same time.
The improper nutrition resulted me to start feeling sick and starting to develop many mood swings, sometimes at dangerous level. I had to be hospitalized for a short time because of the stress, which makes me start to realize that I need to value some things that I have been taking for granted. I have been taking the car for granted for a long time, and I have been living without a car for about 3 months - riding a bike is not the same and I have to time myself for moving to certain locations to chase rain and darkness. I have been ignoring some responsibility while I was having fun - I was starting to slack on my cooking skills and cooking my own food, making myself malnourished and my cleaning, especially with doing laundry, along with the education. All I have been prioritizing is fitting in and having fun with some friends - of course friendship is important but there are other things that are just as important, which is eating healthy, which involves the extra responsibility of cooking and cleaning up my mess for health reasons. Cooking and cleaning may be stodgy things that I don't want to do, but they are the basic things for survival and being healthy. I should be a little more concerned about my appearance and the way I present myself as well - I can't just go out and buy new duds - I have to change the person from within.
I have been learning a lot of lessons and there are a lot more lessons to be learned. I could be this cool guy and I could be a loser - looking healthy will make me cool - eating right and personal hygiene, exercise, all the things that the doctor tells you to do all the time is essential for being a cool person. I was just focusing on text messaging, but not on the other things such as personal appearance and hygiene, along with changing the way I am within.
Of course, if I look closely, the friends that I know actually cook their own food and do their own laundry, clean up, etc. and they are just as cool - I should do it too.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
The unknown path
Eventually the day is supposed to come and I am not sure what I am going to do next. There are many unknown questions that are supposed to be answered and things to think about. These things have not been a big burden to me because I thought life was supposed to go one day at a time, but I am realizing that I need to have a path and I need to have a goal. I can't just go nowhere. I keep telling this story about last summer but it looks like the last summer is where it seems like I am going nowhere - I had to finish this college education but it looks like I didn't really had many goals. I thought about the past more than the future and I was very reflective but I was realizing about the lack of freedom that I was having when I had many limitations.
Last summer I didn't really have a car - a car was my ticket to freedom and that car will take me places - I could escape. Now I had to rely on a bike and public transportation - using public transportation is very expensive and riding a bike to get to the places I want to go is very time consuming, but at least I got some exercise. I got a better view of what the town around me was like and it was a rather boring place where I didn't really fit in - it was a rather lonely place. There was a lot of bars and stuff, and I do not drink -it looks like I am going to be out of luck in the place I was going. I spent a lot of that summer sitting in my room, suffering from the heat, watching Netflix and thinking about the dead end that I have gotten myself into. It looks like I was going nowhere and I was starting to get more and more depressed. But the good thing about riding a bike I was starting to scan through my local environment and started to comb through the town - there are many places in the town that I did not know about. I started to use my smartphone and started to scan through the local business and I found many places I didn't know about such as a pretty decent restaurant to eat at. There might be some pretty decent places to eat at that are in the underground that weren't in the mainstream.
But it was getting pretty lonely - I was lacking a support network - I felt like I was sort of unloved and going nowhere. But that was last summer and I had changed a lot. Now I am starting to realize that time is running out and there is going to be a crunch. I have gotten to know some new people but I realized that some of the people that I am going to get to know are going to leave. I am going to feel very lonely once again. But at least I am going to have a car and I can move around, which can open man doors. I know this feeling of isolation was starting to get on my nerves - there is a vast world out there and I have been only seeing a limited sample of the world out there. But I am starting to ponder about this - where do I fit in this world? There is a location for me and there is a role for me in the world too - I am supposed to be doing something. I am going to be going nowhere if I don't have some sort of path - I am going in a dead end with nowhere to go; I am supposed to be going somewhere.
I sort of have this "sewed up" attitude but nothing is sewed up. That is the hard part about life - I find the familiar to become more comfortable. I get to know some people and then they leave, which makes me feel lonely once again. This randomness is very awkward and life is very random. I don't know what my future is going to bring to me - I didn't know what was going to happen this year. I known I was going to continue on with college but I didn't expect my grandparents to be all gone this year and I didn't expect this circumstance to happen that summer. I was all ready for summer of just running around - in circles. I would of been a very annoying person just burning gas going nowhere, trying to find out where do I fit. There is a place where I fit in the world.
I have been obsessed on the virtual world instead of the real world. The internet has been a place to escape and I have been escaping on the mobile internet world instead of facing reality - I don't like what I am seeing, I escape into my virtual world. I don't like the people around me I can escape in my virtual world. There are Wi-Fi access points everywhere for people with smartphones, tablets, laptops, and any other things that have the internet - they are usually free. I usually use my 4G connection when I am out in the world but I have been dependent on the internet and not my outside environment. The virtual environment is fine but I need to see my physical environment. I have been using the Web as my escape device and my digital consultant - I have been looking up weird stuff on the internet instead of facing the outside world. I have been probably in my digital world just to escape the reality of real life - I have been in a different dimension. Now I am going to have to look up a little more - a lot of my view of the world has been looking down at some screen or something like that. It is like some psychological escape - time to look up.
Last summer I didn't really have a car - a car was my ticket to freedom and that car will take me places - I could escape. Now I had to rely on a bike and public transportation - using public transportation is very expensive and riding a bike to get to the places I want to go is very time consuming, but at least I got some exercise. I got a better view of what the town around me was like and it was a rather boring place where I didn't really fit in - it was a rather lonely place. There was a lot of bars and stuff, and I do not drink -it looks like I am going to be out of luck in the place I was going. I spent a lot of that summer sitting in my room, suffering from the heat, watching Netflix and thinking about the dead end that I have gotten myself into. It looks like I was going nowhere and I was starting to get more and more depressed. But the good thing about riding a bike I was starting to scan through my local environment and started to comb through the town - there are many places in the town that I did not know about. I started to use my smartphone and started to scan through the local business and I found many places I didn't know about such as a pretty decent restaurant to eat at. There might be some pretty decent places to eat at that are in the underground that weren't in the mainstream.
But it was getting pretty lonely - I was lacking a support network - I felt like I was sort of unloved and going nowhere. But that was last summer and I had changed a lot. Now I am starting to realize that time is running out and there is going to be a crunch. I have gotten to know some new people but I realized that some of the people that I am going to get to know are going to leave. I am going to feel very lonely once again. But at least I am going to have a car and I can move around, which can open man doors. I know this feeling of isolation was starting to get on my nerves - there is a vast world out there and I have been only seeing a limited sample of the world out there. But I am starting to ponder about this - where do I fit in this world? There is a location for me and there is a role for me in the world too - I am supposed to be doing something. I am going to be going nowhere if I don't have some sort of path - I am going in a dead end with nowhere to go; I am supposed to be going somewhere.
I sort of have this "sewed up" attitude but nothing is sewed up. That is the hard part about life - I find the familiar to become more comfortable. I get to know some people and then they leave, which makes me feel lonely once again. This randomness is very awkward and life is very random. I don't know what my future is going to bring to me - I didn't know what was going to happen this year. I known I was going to continue on with college but I didn't expect my grandparents to be all gone this year and I didn't expect this circumstance to happen that summer. I was all ready for summer of just running around - in circles. I would of been a very annoying person just burning gas going nowhere, trying to find out where do I fit. There is a place where I fit in the world.
I have been obsessed on the virtual world instead of the real world. The internet has been a place to escape and I have been escaping on the mobile internet world instead of facing reality - I don't like what I am seeing, I escape into my virtual world. I don't like the people around me I can escape in my virtual world. There are Wi-Fi access points everywhere for people with smartphones, tablets, laptops, and any other things that have the internet - they are usually free. I usually use my 4G connection when I am out in the world but I have been dependent on the internet and not my outside environment. The virtual environment is fine but I need to see my physical environment. I have been using the Web as my escape device and my digital consultant - I have been looking up weird stuff on the internet instead of facing the outside world. I have been probably in my digital world just to escape the reality of real life - I have been in a different dimension. Now I am going to have to look up a little more - a lot of my view of the world has been looking down at some screen or something like that. It is like some psychological escape - time to look up.
Friday, November 8, 2013
The unknownness of life
I am very anxious and nervous about the world around me - I am getting closer and closer to the "real world" and away from the school world which I have been in since I was in preschool. I was in the real world when I was a baby, but I did not have much concept about the world around me - I probably looked around and explored the world in the most simplest of ways, and the things that fascinated me the most were the toys. The toys were symbols of many real world objects but just scaled down - I started to have a better concept of the world by playing with toys.
I have been playing with toys such as Legos and Duplos - they were construction set pieces of toys that simulated life in the real world - you have the option of building homes and maneuvering around with people - they were like playing with dolls and I started to develop concepts on how the world works by playing with toys. The toys I was playing with were not the fantasy toys - it is not the video games and the Pokémon that the other children played with; probably the older children. I played with the traditional toys that helped me develop creativity.
I was playing with toys but the more I got exposed to media such as TV and the internet, I actually started to get less interested in the toy world. The digital world was the way for me to collect information - I have been using lots of information off the internet and I have been using the information to develop interests. The internet is full of stuff that I can learn and do. I have been exploring the wonders of the web during the college years - the teenage years I had more restricted internet access because my parents thought the internet was bad for young people and it is a free for all - but actually in a way the internet is a very educational tool that is going to impact our lives.
I have been dependent on the web and other people have been very dependent on the Web, and I have been using the Web to develop my concept of the "real world" and I have been developing a fear of the real world. The internet has been showing me a very negative view of the real world - it shows about all of life's struggles when you get out the door and that childhood has been permanently over when you enter the world of the internet. The internet is where childhood stays - there is a lot of 90s and 00s nostalgia on the internet along with nostalgia of other generations that make the younger age the better age and you get worse when you get older and enter the real world. You have more responsibility and your body starts to fall apart - but you have a payoff - you earn more better things that you just dreamed of when you are at a younger age, just in childhood. I have been passing through childhood and teenager life, but the next stage is the dreaded adult life. Actually I might of entered that life about 18 because 18 is the legal age but you don't have much of a chance to grow up - there are many things to learn about the world once I get older. In school you learn about the repetitive facts and figures without any meaning to why you need it in the "real world." You learn algebra which is used for developing abstract thought which is used in the "real world" but it is not taught in a concept that makes you think straighter. School doesn't teach you about the real world - they want you to just naturally figure it out yourself. The story of Columbus in 1492 is in the boring history textbooks but this might explain why you are here today but most people could care less about why we are here - we are simply here. History could explain there was a world before you and there is a world out there in the future - it probably shows us how we develop throughout time.
I think I should find a better concept of the world - the internet may have been showing a conception of the real world is fearful - it is probably the media. Being older is not cool - having youth is actually cooler. The movies and the internet has a fantasy about college life that is better than the real world - it is the more freedom and less responsibility that you have in the "real world" where everything is a continuous responsibility and loneliness. The college world promotes a fantasy environment where everybody is "equal" and the walls are breaking down - everyone is the same - but when you enter the real world you are in a world of separation - everyone is in their own world and everyone seems to clump together. Similar people will naturally group together and if you have enough similar people together, you are going to create a culture and a subculture - we are not that united but we are more divided in this cliquey world where everyone is "pickled jarred." College tries to promote the un-pickle jarred lifestyle but eventually people start pickle jarring each other. The social world is a complicated world to decipher but it seems to be pretty simple if you look at it in the big picture.
I have been playing with toys such as Legos and Duplos - they were construction set pieces of toys that simulated life in the real world - you have the option of building homes and maneuvering around with people - they were like playing with dolls and I started to develop concepts on how the world works by playing with toys. The toys I was playing with were not the fantasy toys - it is not the video games and the Pokémon that the other children played with; probably the older children. I played with the traditional toys that helped me develop creativity.
I was playing with toys but the more I got exposed to media such as TV and the internet, I actually started to get less interested in the toy world. The digital world was the way for me to collect information - I have been using lots of information off the internet and I have been using the information to develop interests. The internet is full of stuff that I can learn and do. I have been exploring the wonders of the web during the college years - the teenage years I had more restricted internet access because my parents thought the internet was bad for young people and it is a free for all - but actually in a way the internet is a very educational tool that is going to impact our lives.
I have been dependent on the web and other people have been very dependent on the Web, and I have been using the Web to develop my concept of the "real world" and I have been developing a fear of the real world. The internet has been showing me a very negative view of the real world - it shows about all of life's struggles when you get out the door and that childhood has been permanently over when you enter the world of the internet. The internet is where childhood stays - there is a lot of 90s and 00s nostalgia on the internet along with nostalgia of other generations that make the younger age the better age and you get worse when you get older and enter the real world. You have more responsibility and your body starts to fall apart - but you have a payoff - you earn more better things that you just dreamed of when you are at a younger age, just in childhood. I have been passing through childhood and teenager life, but the next stage is the dreaded adult life. Actually I might of entered that life about 18 because 18 is the legal age but you don't have much of a chance to grow up - there are many things to learn about the world once I get older. In school you learn about the repetitive facts and figures without any meaning to why you need it in the "real world." You learn algebra which is used for developing abstract thought which is used in the "real world" but it is not taught in a concept that makes you think straighter. School doesn't teach you about the real world - they want you to just naturally figure it out yourself. The story of Columbus in 1492 is in the boring history textbooks but this might explain why you are here today but most people could care less about why we are here - we are simply here. History could explain there was a world before you and there is a world out there in the future - it probably shows us how we develop throughout time.
I think I should find a better concept of the world - the internet may have been showing a conception of the real world is fearful - it is probably the media. Being older is not cool - having youth is actually cooler. The movies and the internet has a fantasy about college life that is better than the real world - it is the more freedom and less responsibility that you have in the "real world" where everything is a continuous responsibility and loneliness. The college world promotes a fantasy environment where everybody is "equal" and the walls are breaking down - everyone is the same - but when you enter the real world you are in a world of separation - everyone is in their own world and everyone seems to clump together. Similar people will naturally group together and if you have enough similar people together, you are going to create a culture and a subculture - we are not that united but we are more divided in this cliquey world where everyone is "pickled jarred." College tries to promote the un-pickle jarred lifestyle but eventually people start pickle jarring each other. The social world is a complicated world to decipher but it seems to be pretty simple if you look at it in the big picture.
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