I might be going back

It looks like after the death of my grandma, which was a few weeks ago, I am going back to a time when things were pretty good.  I have a feeling that I am going to the same atmosphere as high school, but the way things should be.

It looks like high school was chugging along pretty good until about sophomore or junior year, and it seems like there has been delays.  It looks like I was working a bit for my grandpa and I was buying my own stuff, along with downloading music, but then eventually everything was starting to halt.  I think it was a period of apathy or immaturity, or it might be many circumstances causes me to delay.

The recession was one thing that held me, and everybody back, but I seen to have my head up my butt about the time I was turning 16. I got myself into a mess and I was trying to make new friends, and fix the mess, and it looks like I was getting out of a mess, but I got back into the mess.  It seems like there was a battle of "me's".  There was a more conservative self-confident hard working "me" and there was a more whiny, aggressive, easily led me that was trying to act "gangsta" or "emo" or something like that.  Of course, emo and hip-hop was popular that time, but it looks like I was deep down looking for something squarer such as Hannah Montana.

I can see I was shifting towards the whiny side again in college, but it looks like the whiny side was not getting me anywhere.  It seems like I was making good friends with nice, cool people than I started to go back to the whiny, people again.  By about 2010, it was pretty lonely and I was trying to find myself, but I did make about one or 2 new friends in school.

Right now it is 2012 and things are going back together. It looks like I was going through an era of change and I am changing right now.  I think I need more self-confidence than I used to and I think I need to be less messy and moody.  Maybe I need to be a lot more assertive and more "with it" and need to bury the old self in the past. 

There have been many things that had been buried in the past after each grandparent died. My grandpa did die in 2007 and that was the "more involved" me started to come through.  I was starting to dress more mature, get my drivers license, and be part of more activities such as track.  It looks like it was a death of the "slacker" kid and more of a kid that is getting somewhere, probably preparing for college and the adult world.  About 2010, when my grandma died, it was a pretty much a death of the "ditziness" and the "inattentiveness".  I need to get something fixed and I did get it fixed.  Then about 2012 it was time for more "social me" again  - a socially with it, cool, self confident guy that has a job and probably have the self confidence to ask that special girl out. I am very close to dating some girl right now and there are many to choose from.

That is probably going to happen in the future but you never know, there might be some other things creeping out. I think there is another transitional, growing up phase but it looks like I might be going back to about 2007, but moving forward instead of the regression in 2008. It was pushing towards a job and doing what I should be doing.