It looks like I have been in a rut, but it seems like things are slowly changing. It seems like I am not going anywhere and I am going with the same pattern, but it looks like I am eventually going to bust out of the pattern. The year 2010 and 2011 were a year of confusion and chaos, and trying to find out who I am and what direction I am going in life. It was a period where I was about to redefine myself - I am different than I was about 4 years ago or even 10 years ago.
I haven't have been the same person, but some traces of the same person has been going on. I am not sure what I am truly am or I am truly not, but I am starting to figure out who I am or who I am not. I was a different person about the 6th grade than I was in the 9th grade and I was different when I am in college than I was in high school. But it looks like there has been some similar constants ever since I was young: It looks like I had a love for music and I like to do anything with music, and music has been my core as sports has been other kids core and others might be exposed to the world of art, etc. I wasn't the type for academia but it seems like music was the core of who I was.
It was tough figuring out who I was and I didn't really seem to have a true defined image of myself as other people. Maybe I was pretty conservative or maybe my parents didn't let me splurge on a outfit or let me wear stupid clothes. I was trying to find out who I was, but really it was hard to blend into to the crowd and figure out who I am or who I am not.
I have not been involved with any drugs and I haven't been involved with any sex, or even any relationships, and it seems like my big regrets had been based on relationships. Teenage dating had been a wish, but I never been in a true commited relationship and it seems like not too many girls known me enough or wanted to get to know me. I don't think I really didn't know if a girl was flirting with me or not. It seems like when I try to go after a girl, she was not interested in me or interested in some other guy. I think some of the girls did not have anything in common with me or they didn't really think I was that attractive or desireable of a guy - I might of been too immature. Idk
I had been going after blondes, but a lot of them are snapped up with other guys or are in long term relationships with other guys. I might have a chance now that I used to be. I think I need to make myself attractive or good looking, and I think I need to have a nice personality. I have a tendency to be timid and not really open my mouth, and I might creep girls out with the "indecisiveness." but eventually I am going to find something. I think there is a girl for me as long as I take a bath, etc.
But the times had past and it is hard to decipher and it seems like I went through that chaotic time of high school. It looks like I had it tough socially and it looked like I was picked on, but I was also supported to. I think someone was trying to help me and actually made me be something than a person that was going unnoticed.
In college, I am going through the same pattern of being unnoticed but I am not sure if I care or not. I might be this timid person or I might be this person that prefers to think than to talk things out. I can be pretty talkative if I want to, but I can be introspective.
I think someday things are going to pop out. I think a good dating relationship might be good but eventually I am going to find someone. Someone that gets me, that understands me. I think I was pretty close a few years ago and she was a good candidate, but she found someone else. But I think there might be someone for me.
I hope things are going to improve and there might be a lot of chaos and confusion, but the chaos and confusion is getting better.
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