It seems like I am focusing on the negative but I am going to focus more on the positive things that have been happening this semester. I have been the most relaxed in a long time and I am starting to become more reasonable. I am focusing a lot better on my schoolwork and I am actually determined to get grades and to seek help. I am not slacking off, and I have been working very hard to get things fixed such as my grades. For a while, I used to just going under anxiety attacks but now I am being a lot more constructive than I used to be. People are starting to warm up to me and I am starting to get people that are noticing my presence. I have been a little bit shy, but I should realize that people are starting to get friendlier to me than ever before. I joined a club and the kids are very nice, and I even invited myself to play intramural volleyball with them, so I am starting to open up a lot more than I used to be. There are a lot of good things lately the good things outweigh the bad.
The only problem is cleaning issues and I am getting help with that too.
Really this semester has been pretty peaceful if you think about it. There was a lot of academic stress but it looks like I am getting stuff screwed on and putting things back together. I think the readjustment of the medication is sort of a blessing - the last month I was starting to create my own action plan instead of a constant bellyaching session. I am seeing things for the way they are and things are getting a lot better. I am focusing on what is happening right there and now, instead of being in that loop. It seems like I want to grow up and do thing, and I am starting to become more focused. I think there is hope in the future.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
How can college roommates help you with dating
Roommates are something that everyone has to experience in college and they can be annoying in deed. Who wants to room with people that you have never meet before? That is a lot of stress.
Roommates are a great educational experience and it may help you later in life, such as in marriage. I think divorce rates will drop a lot if you have experience with roommates because you will know what you want in a wife or husband. You won't care for the physical attraction as much as the other dynamics, such as if the person cleans up, easy to get along with, etc.
I think I am getting a better idea of what I want in a girl by just dealing with roommates. I probably want a girl that is clean and I probably want a girl that is easy to talk to; sort of compassionate and easygoing. I don't want too many self centered girls and I don't want girls that tend to be cliquey, since I had roommates that have been cliquey. Physical attraction is not as important, because there is beauty in all types of girls - beauty is just perception and makeup.
I tend to be conservative and family orientated that wants children so I would rather find a more conservative and family orientated girl - not as party minded and more into what girls are supposed to do. I have been told that more traditional girls are looking for the paycheck in guys and that is all is matter. They want the guy to be a more fatherly figure who can support the wife and children; so a more authoritative confident guy is what all girls want these days.
I think girls had liked me for a long time, but I was looking for the wrong type of girls. I think I need to brush up on the social cues and quit gawking over the obvious looking ones for physical attraction and be more attractive to the girls like I am choosing a roommate. I think I "dated" a girl this year for about a week or so; I was even holding hands, but this girl was realizing the differences and she found someone else. But who I was holding hands with was a good template for the girls that are going to go after me in the future. I was just nice to that girl by carrying a box for her when she moved in, which made a great first impression. That time was a very magical week and it was sort of a "high" for me before things started to fall apart again. But I can see this "high" is going to come back and I am going to have a chance with another girl.
Since I am more conservative I think I need to be more practical and less picky about my choosing with women. Physical attraction is animal like and there is something more. A lot of the physical attractive girls will have an attitude and they could be a "bitch". I should try to find something more earthy and practical such as if the girl is nice, clean, and likes kids.
Roommates are a great educational experience and it may help you later in life, such as in marriage. I think divorce rates will drop a lot if you have experience with roommates because you will know what you want in a wife or husband. You won't care for the physical attraction as much as the other dynamics, such as if the person cleans up, easy to get along with, etc.
I think I am getting a better idea of what I want in a girl by just dealing with roommates. I probably want a girl that is clean and I probably want a girl that is easy to talk to; sort of compassionate and easygoing. I don't want too many self centered girls and I don't want girls that tend to be cliquey, since I had roommates that have been cliquey. Physical attraction is not as important, because there is beauty in all types of girls - beauty is just perception and makeup.
I tend to be conservative and family orientated that wants children so I would rather find a more conservative and family orientated girl - not as party minded and more into what girls are supposed to do. I have been told that more traditional girls are looking for the paycheck in guys and that is all is matter. They want the guy to be a more fatherly figure who can support the wife and children; so a more authoritative confident guy is what all girls want these days.
I think girls had liked me for a long time, but I was looking for the wrong type of girls. I think I need to brush up on the social cues and quit gawking over the obvious looking ones for physical attraction and be more attractive to the girls like I am choosing a roommate. I think I "dated" a girl this year for about a week or so; I was even holding hands, but this girl was realizing the differences and she found someone else. But who I was holding hands with was a good template for the girls that are going to go after me in the future. I was just nice to that girl by carrying a box for her when she moved in, which made a great first impression. That time was a very magical week and it was sort of a "high" for me before things started to fall apart again. But I can see this "high" is going to come back and I am going to have a chance with another girl.
Since I am more conservative I think I need to be more practical and less picky about my choosing with women. Physical attraction is animal like and there is something more. A lot of the physical attractive girls will have an attitude and they could be a "bitch". I should try to find something more earthy and practical such as if the girl is nice, clean, and likes kids.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
If I had never had ADHD
Attention Deficit Disorder affected my life in general, but I am thinking if I never had ADHD, what will life be like. Now I am treated and I am thinking about what things will be like if I never had ADHD.
I think my social life will be a little bit different. For most of high school, I think most of my friends would be a continuation of the people that I knew very well in elementary school. I think I am going to develop way more intimate friendships than the casual bonding around and playing I did in elementary school on the playground, and I am going to spend a lot more time hanging with them outside of school. They would not of drifted away as it did in high school when I was not attentive enough to have "mature" friendships outside of play. I did have friends in high school, but they were very casual and not very intimate, and most of these relationships ending when I left school during the day, making the weekends and the summer very boring. I see pictures of friends online hanging together and doing things together, but they never wanted to invite me to do any of these things with them because of unpredictability, inattention, and lack of intimacy.
The same thing could happened with a girlfriend. I don't think I had the attention span to create intimate relationships to have a girlfriend outside of school. When social life ends when I am outside of school, with the exception of the internet, it is very hard. I think back then I had friends with lots of girls and if I stuck to making intimate connections with these girls, a relationship would blossom.
I would of made new friends, but I don't think I will be jumping from crowd to crowd. Most of my friends will be made from church and they would of been mutual friends of the ones I known since elementary school. I don't think I would of made too many band and choir friends, unless they were in church with me or a mutual friend to the ones I known since elementary school. Track will be the time that I would of made the most new original friends.
But now this is corrected and I think this "pattern" I am thinking about is going to happen in the future, even in the latter end of college. I think I am still going to have hope. The friends I am going to have are going to be temporary, but very deep and memorable. A lot of them are probably going to be either from the apartment - someone is going to suck me into a gang or from a job if I get a part time job. They are going to be more focused friendships where you do something with and become more intimate with; like in a gang or pack instead of the casual friendships that I had in school. I have hope coming :)
I think my social life will be a little bit different. For most of high school, I think most of my friends would be a continuation of the people that I knew very well in elementary school. I think I am going to develop way more intimate friendships than the casual bonding around and playing I did in elementary school on the playground, and I am going to spend a lot more time hanging with them outside of school. They would not of drifted away as it did in high school when I was not attentive enough to have "mature" friendships outside of play. I did have friends in high school, but they were very casual and not very intimate, and most of these relationships ending when I left school during the day, making the weekends and the summer very boring. I see pictures of friends online hanging together and doing things together, but they never wanted to invite me to do any of these things with them because of unpredictability, inattention, and lack of intimacy.
The same thing could happened with a girlfriend. I don't think I had the attention span to create intimate relationships to have a girlfriend outside of school. When social life ends when I am outside of school, with the exception of the internet, it is very hard. I think back then I had friends with lots of girls and if I stuck to making intimate connections with these girls, a relationship would blossom.
I would of made new friends, but I don't think I will be jumping from crowd to crowd. Most of my friends will be made from church and they would of been mutual friends of the ones I known since elementary school. I don't think I would of made too many band and choir friends, unless they were in church with me or a mutual friend to the ones I known since elementary school. Track will be the time that I would of made the most new original friends.
But now this is corrected and I think this "pattern" I am thinking about is going to happen in the future, even in the latter end of college. I think I am still going to have hope. The friends I am going to have are going to be temporary, but very deep and memorable. A lot of them are probably going to be either from the apartment - someone is going to suck me into a gang or from a job if I get a part time job. They are going to be more focused friendships where you do something with and become more intimate with; like in a gang or pack instead of the casual friendships that I had in school. I have hope coming :)
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Why I am overfocusing on love
I see people who are in relationships and such and such, but I am starting to realize - why am I over focusing on finding love? I don't really know why but I think I am looking for someone outside of my family that I can count on. I don't think I am really valuing a passionate kind of love but I think I am looking for support; probably someone just like mom. I think I am looking for someone to take care of me - I am a wuss and I don't think the girls want to take care of me; they want me to take care of them. I am looking for a caregiver and it is a sign of my wussiness. There has been a lot of rough experiences in my life and I think it is a battle, and I think it is most likely a result of the ADHD symptoms. I had a feeling that I could not measure up to everyone else because "I am not there." Too much anxiety - I am like a piglet who is looking for a pooh to suck on to. This shows how much of a wuss.
I think it is going to change when I start to get more focused and have a more confident, authoritative, assertive personality. I think this ADHD is making me more like a weakling because I am not seeing things the way they are. I am afraid of everything in this world and I am looking for someone to hold my hand. I think it has to be the other way around - I am supposed to hold someone else's hand. It seemed to work out. I helped carry a box for a girl when she was moving into an apartment - blah, blah, blah. She walked all over me. When I started to become Mr. Wuss again, she started to find someone else. Things has to change. I should STOP being a piglet looking for a pooh bear; it is not going to work out. I think I need to start acting a lot more like I know what I am doing and I am supposed to take care of the girl, not the other way around.
What would a girl like about a guy who acts like a weakling? The girl does not want to be MOM. Seems like when a girl is kicking my butt things are not working right. I need to have something that the girl will love about me and he won't love some wussy guy.
I think it is going to change when I start to get more focused and have a more confident, authoritative, assertive personality. I think this ADHD is making me more like a weakling because I am not seeing things the way they are. I am afraid of everything in this world and I am looking for someone to hold my hand. I think it has to be the other way around - I am supposed to hold someone else's hand. It seemed to work out. I helped carry a box for a girl when she was moving into an apartment - blah, blah, blah. She walked all over me. When I started to become Mr. Wuss again, she started to find someone else. Things has to change. I should STOP being a piglet looking for a pooh bear; it is not going to work out. I think I need to start acting a lot more like I know what I am doing and I am supposed to take care of the girl, not the other way around.
What would a girl like about a guy who acts like a weakling? The girl does not want to be MOM. Seems like when a girl is kicking my butt things are not working right. I need to have something that the girl will love about me and he won't love some wussy guy.
Dorm living
I had been in the dorm life for about 3 years now and it has become a way of life for me. But eventually, these days are going to be numbered and it is time for me to change my living situation. But there has been some fun times, and there has been some horrible times in the dorm. Overall, I don't think it was a really fun experience and I had yet had found someone that I would of fit in with.
You have to deal with what's there. There has been a lot of jocks in the dorms and you also have a lot of these special ed type students. They can be both annoying. I am one of the students that are getting an A.A degree and then I am eventually going to be going into something in St. Scholastica. I think some of my experiences of dorm life might influence my possible future path in life. I have some experience with some of the students with the disabilities, and that might be a good job for me helping some of these students. I am getting treated, but I can relate to some of the more higher functioning students and with the mess they have to put up with. I think everyone has stories about their crappy dorm life, but I have a number. I had my shit stolen and a lot of stuff.
The last 2 years had been tough and it looks like things are starting to come under control. Last year was a year of thinking and planning, trying to figure out what to do next and things are starting to come under their place. The first year was simply a continuation of high school but it was sort of a grand finale, and the 2nd year was the hangover, and trying to reconsider my values, etc. I was getting exposed to the world last year and now this year, I am pretty exposed to the world and everything is starting to tie together. Once everything starts to tie together, I am going to be screwed on enough to go on to the next stage.
There has been a lot of crises and this college was a crises. But things are starting to change and this dorm life is influencing. I needed a year to think about my problems and find out what I should do. That is why I had been doing a lot of thinking, but the year after that, it looks like it is less thinking and more doing. Taking courses in the sociologies and the psychologies really influenced my view of the world, and then eventually maybe a few courses in the diversities might help influence it as well, especially the environment. That is what the liberal arts are about. But you also have to have the experience of the dorm life to shape you as well.
I am not sure if they are going to be the old people stories that I am telling, but they might be some memories. But this dorm life has a lot of learning about the world around me and I deserved to rewarded with the good life when I am done.
You have to deal with what's there. There has been a lot of jocks in the dorms and you also have a lot of these special ed type students. They can be both annoying. I am one of the students that are getting an A.A degree and then I am eventually going to be going into something in St. Scholastica. I think some of my experiences of dorm life might influence my possible future path in life. I have some experience with some of the students with the disabilities, and that might be a good job for me helping some of these students. I am getting treated, but I can relate to some of the more higher functioning students and with the mess they have to put up with. I think everyone has stories about their crappy dorm life, but I have a number. I had my shit stolen and a lot of stuff.
The last 2 years had been tough and it looks like things are starting to come under control. Last year was a year of thinking and planning, trying to figure out what to do next and things are starting to come under their place. The first year was simply a continuation of high school but it was sort of a grand finale, and the 2nd year was the hangover, and trying to reconsider my values, etc. I was getting exposed to the world last year and now this year, I am pretty exposed to the world and everything is starting to tie together. Once everything starts to tie together, I am going to be screwed on enough to go on to the next stage.
There has been a lot of crises and this college was a crises. But things are starting to change and this dorm life is influencing. I needed a year to think about my problems and find out what I should do. That is why I had been doing a lot of thinking, but the year after that, it looks like it is less thinking and more doing. Taking courses in the sociologies and the psychologies really influenced my view of the world, and then eventually maybe a few courses in the diversities might help influence it as well, especially the environment. That is what the liberal arts are about. But you also have to have the experience of the dorm life to shape you as well.
I am not sure if they are going to be the old people stories that I am telling, but they might be some memories. But this dorm life has a lot of learning about the world around me and I deserved to rewarded with the good life when I am done.
Friday, November 18, 2011
What really matters
Like a lot of other people in this country, I am going to college. But I am one of the rare people that are actually going to college out of my parents and grandparents money, which they were SMART and have been saving since I was born. During the high economic times of the 1990s and the 2000s, instead of spending it on things to make HIGH SCHOOL popularity such as cell phones, and cool clothes, they were stuffing it in the bank. They were making a sacrifice - buy your kid into high school popularity or save up money to go to college so you can have POPULARITY in adulthood. They think that popularity really should be when you are an adult, not in high school, because they have different beliefs about high school.
Back then, there was a different standard of cool in high school. High school coolness was more about the personality or keeping up with the latest trends; or it was expressing your uniqueness, not buying your self into coolness as it was in the last decade. To be cool in the 2000s, you had to wear Hollister and Abercrombie in order to fit in, or you are a misfit. And kids were not that friendly to the poor kid who has personality like they did back then. Back in the old days, as I heard from my parents, a special ed kid could be cool because of his personality, but in the 2000s, it is all about the bucks.
This recession is doing a good thing in changing our values and we are not going to be as materialistic as we were in the last 20 years or so. We are not going to be as mall minded and we might go back to the older days of high school success, which is more what you do than how much money you have. It will be easy to fit in but I think there is going to be a different status than we had in the last 20 years or so.
I notice college is starting to get pretty dead - on Tuesday and Thursday in the college I go to, all you see is a bunch of older people going into the trades. Online classes are going to become more and more common. College is so not cool anymore. But I am going to college and I am going to college right.
My parents don't have a thing with high school popularity, but they want this more "screw you " attitude when it comes for people who don't have high school popularity. I don't think they were valuing popularity in high school because they think high school popularity is a bunch of BS. They have a thing that they rather see me have it tough in high school, so I can have some purpose to my success as an adult. Usually the ones that have it tough in high school are the most successful as adults. But they are making sure I am coming out of college with some degree that will make me successful with the money, so I can "STICK IT" to them. But I don't have that "stick it" attitude; I am pretty conformist, since I haven't really left HIGH SCHOOL. I am focusing too much on the popularity in college which is going to be hard to obtain because college people, especially the older students, have a different attitude about college than in high school. In this day of age, popularity is not a big deal anymore because we are in an "individualist" (something I learned from college). society. We are not as big with fitting in as other societies. What matters in adulthood is not really the conformist, high school popularity BS - it is having MONEY and being RICH, and it is usually probably some misfit from high school. That's what's the American Dream is all about - you are not placed in a caste system all your life. When you are poor and not cool, you will always be poor and not cool.
This is what my parents want me to have - "adult popularity". They think this high school popularity is piddly junk that really don't matters. Adult popularity is a lot more different than high school popularity - it seems like these days that you are predetermined by your parents where you are going to be in high school social status which is think is not fair. If mommy wants little Timmy to be popular, she will make sure she will have the right friends and the cool clothes, etc. But in the adult world, you get to choose your social status and that's what my parents want from me to get some money so I can finally have social status myself. Back then, you were popular because of other reasons, but we have parents controlling friendships and all that good stuff. This is the result of being packed like sardines you have a clique system established which I think is not fair.
Back then, there was a different standard of cool in high school. High school coolness was more about the personality or keeping up with the latest trends; or it was expressing your uniqueness, not buying your self into coolness as it was in the last decade. To be cool in the 2000s, you had to wear Hollister and Abercrombie in order to fit in, or you are a misfit. And kids were not that friendly to the poor kid who has personality like they did back then. Back in the old days, as I heard from my parents, a special ed kid could be cool because of his personality, but in the 2000s, it is all about the bucks.
This recession is doing a good thing in changing our values and we are not going to be as materialistic as we were in the last 20 years or so. We are not going to be as mall minded and we might go back to the older days of high school success, which is more what you do than how much money you have. It will be easy to fit in but I think there is going to be a different status than we had in the last 20 years or so.
I notice college is starting to get pretty dead - on Tuesday and Thursday in the college I go to, all you see is a bunch of older people going into the trades. Online classes are going to become more and more common. College is so not cool anymore. But I am going to college and I am going to college right.
My parents don't have a thing with high school popularity, but they want this more "screw you " attitude when it comes for people who don't have high school popularity. I don't think they were valuing popularity in high school because they think high school popularity is a bunch of BS. They have a thing that they rather see me have it tough in high school, so I can have some purpose to my success as an adult. Usually the ones that have it tough in high school are the most successful as adults. But they are making sure I am coming out of college with some degree that will make me successful with the money, so I can "STICK IT" to them. But I don't have that "stick it" attitude; I am pretty conformist, since I haven't really left HIGH SCHOOL. I am focusing too much on the popularity in college which is going to be hard to obtain because college people, especially the older students, have a different attitude about college than in high school. In this day of age, popularity is not a big deal anymore because we are in an "individualist" (something I learned from college). society. We are not as big with fitting in as other societies. What matters in adulthood is not really the conformist, high school popularity BS - it is having MONEY and being RICH, and it is usually probably some misfit from high school. That's what's the American Dream is all about - you are not placed in a caste system all your life. When you are poor and not cool, you will always be poor and not cool.
This is what my parents want me to have - "adult popularity". They think this high school popularity is piddly junk that really don't matters. Adult popularity is a lot more different than high school popularity - it seems like these days that you are predetermined by your parents where you are going to be in high school social status which is think is not fair. If mommy wants little Timmy to be popular, she will make sure she will have the right friends and the cool clothes, etc. But in the adult world, you get to choose your social status and that's what my parents want from me to get some money so I can finally have social status myself. Back then, you were popular because of other reasons, but we have parents controlling friendships and all that good stuff. This is the result of being packed like sardines you have a clique system established which I think is not fair.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
College by the semester
The last year in a half of my college experience has been a very major change for me. I am going to start out one way and I am going to come out another way. I think I am pretty much going to be the same I was at the beginning of the year at the end of the year - I might grow a little bit but you don't see much difference in me since about last August or September.
The one thing that changes the way I act is probably my medication. My perception of the world almost completely changes once I am on some medication. I think my thoughts are starting to connect and I am starting to see things a lot more clearly; probably like I never seen them before. I was at a 40% dosage last year and things change a little bit, but I didn't get the details. I think that was the year when everything was chaos and I was trying to find myself. The 60% level means I have an even better perception - I am at a functional level and at 100% is this is the way I am, that's the way I am going to be.
People are starting to like me at 100% because they understand me once I talk. I need to open my mouth and show the world who I am really like. I have been easier to figure out now.
The next thing is better education. I am having a better perception of my world around me. With sociology and psychology, along with cultural geography and anthropology, I have a pretty strong idea of how people tick. After my view on society is starting to be developed, I was starting to narrow down where do I think I fall into this mess, and a lot of it is based on experience. I have a lot more education than the "rednecks" that I am rooming with, which are going into something basic like auto tech.
Over this fall, I am starting to fine tune my interests and starting to have a pretty fined tuned identity of who I am. I am starting to develop my moral code, and starting to become more spiritual, along with have a better understanding of my health and to think a little more logical, and not as emotional. But I am now starting to have a better, more well rounded view of myself and by the end of this year, when I turn 21, I am going to be basically what I am going to be.
It looks like I am going in the path of psychology - I am here to help people. I am here to give advice. I am interested in what makes people tick and I feel sorry about the people around me that are dysfunctional. I see things are "messed up" and I have this belief is the people first are messed up, because the society consists of people, the economy consists of people, the culture consists of people, and it all starts with the individual. You can argue with me that the society does that but it will go back to haunt you with the individual because society is just a collection of individuals. Maybe when I get the individual screwed on, everything is going to fall into it's place. Getting the system or the group screwed on is not going to work since the group is created by individual, and the system is some individuals idea on things based on their own perceptions and experiences.
Everybody see things a little bit different. They all had different life stories to tell and the stuff that I was going through seems to connect with things. God has decided what should happened to me - all the things that happened to me, good or bad, are under Gods will. It is all part of Gods divine plan that he knows about me - he probably knows who I am going to marry. I have to interpret what God is going to do with me when it happens. Maybe the good lord wants certain things to happen on certain days - it all falls into it place. If I connect it into pieces, it will start to make sense and it will be part of my story.
I go through many periods called crises, which are transitional periods in my opinion. It looks like that God has times the crises I have just right to make sure things had turned out they way they are. The good lord wants me to be exposed to certain people - he wants me to do certain things. He had gave me gifts and talents, but it all connects to something. This college experience was a way more better growing up experience than high school - high school has some experience as well but it seems to connect. It seems like I am going through a constant struggle, but now I am starting to fight this struggle and then eventually, the experiences I have with this struggle are going to be used to help the other people. It all connects.
The one thing that changes the way I act is probably my medication. My perception of the world almost completely changes once I am on some medication. I think my thoughts are starting to connect and I am starting to see things a lot more clearly; probably like I never seen them before. I was at a 40% dosage last year and things change a little bit, but I didn't get the details. I think that was the year when everything was chaos and I was trying to find myself. The 60% level means I have an even better perception - I am at a functional level and at 100% is this is the way I am, that's the way I am going to be.
People are starting to like me at 100% because they understand me once I talk. I need to open my mouth and show the world who I am really like. I have been easier to figure out now.
The next thing is better education. I am having a better perception of my world around me. With sociology and psychology, along with cultural geography and anthropology, I have a pretty strong idea of how people tick. After my view on society is starting to be developed, I was starting to narrow down where do I think I fall into this mess, and a lot of it is based on experience. I have a lot more education than the "rednecks" that I am rooming with, which are going into something basic like auto tech.
Over this fall, I am starting to fine tune my interests and starting to have a pretty fined tuned identity of who I am. I am starting to develop my moral code, and starting to become more spiritual, along with have a better understanding of my health and to think a little more logical, and not as emotional. But I am now starting to have a better, more well rounded view of myself and by the end of this year, when I turn 21, I am going to be basically what I am going to be.
It looks like I am going in the path of psychology - I am here to help people. I am here to give advice. I am interested in what makes people tick and I feel sorry about the people around me that are dysfunctional. I see things are "messed up" and I have this belief is the people first are messed up, because the society consists of people, the economy consists of people, the culture consists of people, and it all starts with the individual. You can argue with me that the society does that but it will go back to haunt you with the individual because society is just a collection of individuals. Maybe when I get the individual screwed on, everything is going to fall into it's place. Getting the system or the group screwed on is not going to work since the group is created by individual, and the system is some individuals idea on things based on their own perceptions and experiences.
Everybody see things a little bit different. They all had different life stories to tell and the stuff that I was going through seems to connect with things. God has decided what should happened to me - all the things that happened to me, good or bad, are under Gods will. It is all part of Gods divine plan that he knows about me - he probably knows who I am going to marry. I have to interpret what God is going to do with me when it happens. Maybe the good lord wants certain things to happen on certain days - it all falls into it place. If I connect it into pieces, it will start to make sense and it will be part of my story.
I go through many periods called crises, which are transitional periods in my opinion. It looks like that God has times the crises I have just right to make sure things had turned out they way they are. The good lord wants me to be exposed to certain people - he wants me to do certain things. He had gave me gifts and talents, but it all connects to something. This college experience was a way more better growing up experience than high school - high school has some experience as well but it seems to connect. It seems like I am going through a constant struggle, but now I am starting to fight this struggle and then eventually, the experiences I have with this struggle are going to be used to help the other people. It all connects.
Internet censorship
There has been a lot of discussion and fear about this Net Neutrality bill and it is probably going to affect almost everyone who uses the internet. You know I am a pretty strong Republican, but there is one thing that I do disagree with the Republican party is the censorship of the internet. It seems like there is one guy who wants to delete and shutdown any websites that promotes copyright infringement. That sounds like a good idea, because there is a lot of stealing on the internet and one of the Ten Commandments says that "Thou Shall Not Steal". It is going to shutdown any "rogue" websites, which is a good idea, because they are full of viruses, but this bill might go out of hand. There is a lot of copyright infringement on every website, including this site. Probably pulling something off of Google is going to have me sent to jail, and everyone pulls something off of jail. Everyone is going to be in jail and the prisons will eventually become overcrowded of "internet offenders" and not the usual "ax murderers" that should be in there. This site will not be accessible in America, along with Facebook, YouTube, MySpace, EBay, and even Google. Yes, Google. The internet is going to be back into a dark age, only showing sites that are run by the US government and educational sites such as your school. Even educational sites may be blocked because of "copyright infringement", such as Wikipedia. YouTube and Wikipedia has excellent educational value to it and schools decide to block it.
This goes against the Constitution - the United States is a place to have freedom of speech, religion, the press. Eventually the internet will turn into some communist type internet like it is in North Korea or if the Soviet Union exist today. Russia will have more internet freedom than the USA. It is going to be the same thing as letting Ned Flanders control the internet - allowing only the 700 Club on the internet and people to listen to Amy Grant online only.
I do agree with this bill and it should have some revision. It should not turn into some internet dictatorship bill and if it did, we will be having riots. I'm not kidding. Riots! This will give for impeachment of Obama for a Republican backed thing. I have a feeling the Obama is not going to pass this thing - because he likes his internet too.
I have a feeling there is going to be some internet regulation in the future someday. The rest of the world has at least some regulation, and the United States is probably going with the bandwagon. The internet is full of good stuff and it is full of a bunch of crud. The internet is great for business, keeping up with friends, being entertained, and learning something new, but it is starting to be full of garbage as well. The internet might have to revert back to it's primitive days when it was used mainly for work and school, and not as much as a medium for entertainment and shooting your mouth off, as I am doing right now. There are a lot of intelligent things on the web, but it is starting to get idiotic as well.
This goes against the Constitution - the United States is a place to have freedom of speech, religion, the press. Eventually the internet will turn into some communist type internet like it is in North Korea or if the Soviet Union exist today. Russia will have more internet freedom than the USA. It is going to be the same thing as letting Ned Flanders control the internet - allowing only the 700 Club on the internet and people to listen to Amy Grant online only.
I do agree with this bill and it should have some revision. It should not turn into some internet dictatorship bill and if it did, we will be having riots. I'm not kidding. Riots! This will give for impeachment of Obama for a Republican backed thing. I have a feeling the Obama is not going to pass this thing - because he likes his internet too.
I have a feeling there is going to be some internet regulation in the future someday. The rest of the world has at least some regulation, and the United States is probably going with the bandwagon. The internet is full of good stuff and it is full of a bunch of crud. The internet is great for business, keeping up with friends, being entertained, and learning something new, but it is starting to be full of garbage as well. The internet might have to revert back to it's primitive days when it was used mainly for work and school, and not as much as a medium for entertainment and shooting your mouth off, as I am doing right now. There are a lot of intelligent things on the web, but it is starting to get idiotic as well.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Everything is starting to fall into place
I don't think things have been that stable since I was in high school. It seems like everything now is starting to fall into it's place and peaceful times are coming. I don't think it is just me but I think it is going to happen to this town and this economy and everything. We are going to get a good guy in the office and let everything just fall into it's place.
The last three years are full of chaos, but now I am starting to get to the core of the chaos. A lot of the chaos is caused mainly by ADHD symptoms and I have a feeling when I am focused, things are a lot better than they used to be. The economy is sucking right now, but a lot of the stuff, I am just chugging along pretty good. If I am focused and seeing things the way they are, everything seems to be systematic and works out. But when my mind is chaos, the whole world is chaos.
I am starting to think mainly in the present, and not as much in the past and the future. The past is the past and the future, who knows what is going to happen, but in the present, it's what's there that matters. But you have control of what will happen in the future, but the past is just the consequent of the actions.
This logic class along with my medication is starting to make me think more sequential. This has to have to happen first before that happen and that must happen in order for this to happen. Stuff like that. No more mumbo jumbo and emotional chaos. This chaos of thought is also messing up my world. It might be the most boring piece of crap, but I am learning about sequencing and sorting my thoughts.
It seems like things are starting to connect right now, which means life is going to be more stable to be in the future. I take things one thing at the time and let the rest take care of itself. That is what the good Lord is for. I have been more relaxed and focused more on the present time.
For the chaos that has bee happening in the last few years, it looks like the first thing is to get the medication adjusted. Then I am going to get some help with the other things I am not seeing with the medicine. Then things are going to just flow.
A buddy of mine has predicted something. I am going to get a girlfriend when I get high in the stats. Getting high in the stats means things are doing pretty well. I have a job and I know where I am going, and I am starting to get known as a more for something good than some duddy head up your butt anxious stuck in the butt ADHD guy that has trouble picking up on social cues, but thinks he's cool, but he is not. In the future, I am actually going to be high in the stats. I am going to get some money which will change my position in society. Everything is going to fall into it's place and there is probably going to be a head up your butt time.
I am not having realistic expectations of what's going on. What is supposed to be going on is for me to figure out what I am going to do, then I am going to get some more education so I can have a decent job, decent home, decent wife, decent kids, blah blah blah and then I am going to live the American Dream. Everything is going to fall into place I guess. But then in the future, there are going to be more problems. Bratty kids, sucky people at work, sucky job. Life is not perfect. But in the future, we are going to figure out these imperfections and think of ways to fix it. Why do you have bratty kids? Why do you have sucky people at work? Why do you have a sucky job? How can you fix it? There are jobs out there to fix these things. Psychologists and sociologists do that.
Things are starting to fall into place for me and I am realizing how everything is falling apart. And it is my job to fix it. It is my turn to see the other side of the fence and use my past experience to fix things.
The last three years are full of chaos, but now I am starting to get to the core of the chaos. A lot of the chaos is caused mainly by ADHD symptoms and I have a feeling when I am focused, things are a lot better than they used to be. The economy is sucking right now, but a lot of the stuff, I am just chugging along pretty good. If I am focused and seeing things the way they are, everything seems to be systematic and works out. But when my mind is chaos, the whole world is chaos.
I am starting to think mainly in the present, and not as much in the past and the future. The past is the past and the future, who knows what is going to happen, but in the present, it's what's there that matters. But you have control of what will happen in the future, but the past is just the consequent of the actions.
This logic class along with my medication is starting to make me think more sequential. This has to have to happen first before that happen and that must happen in order for this to happen. Stuff like that. No more mumbo jumbo and emotional chaos. This chaos of thought is also messing up my world. It might be the most boring piece of crap, but I am learning about sequencing and sorting my thoughts.
It seems like things are starting to connect right now, which means life is going to be more stable to be in the future. I take things one thing at the time and let the rest take care of itself. That is what the good Lord is for. I have been more relaxed and focused more on the present time.
For the chaos that has bee happening in the last few years, it looks like the first thing is to get the medication adjusted. Then I am going to get some help with the other things I am not seeing with the medicine. Then things are going to just flow.
A buddy of mine has predicted something. I am going to get a girlfriend when I get high in the stats. Getting high in the stats means things are doing pretty well. I have a job and I know where I am going, and I am starting to get known as a more for something good than some duddy head up your butt anxious stuck in the butt ADHD guy that has trouble picking up on social cues, but thinks he's cool, but he is not. In the future, I am actually going to be high in the stats. I am going to get some money which will change my position in society. Everything is going to fall into it's place and there is probably going to be a head up your butt time.
I am not having realistic expectations of what's going on. What is supposed to be going on is for me to figure out what I am going to do, then I am going to get some more education so I can have a decent job, decent home, decent wife, decent kids, blah blah blah and then I am going to live the American Dream. Everything is going to fall into place I guess. But then in the future, there are going to be more problems. Bratty kids, sucky people at work, sucky job. Life is not perfect. But in the future, we are going to figure out these imperfections and think of ways to fix it. Why do you have bratty kids? Why do you have sucky people at work? Why do you have a sucky job? How can you fix it? There are jobs out there to fix these things. Psychologists and sociologists do that.
Things are starting to fall into place for me and I am realizing how everything is falling apart. And it is my job to fix it. It is my turn to see the other side of the fence and use my past experience to fix things.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
I am getting closer and closer to finding my niche
In the last few years, I have encountered a lot of experiences, both good and bad, and I am starting to find out what my niche in life is - what God has made me to do. College was a roller coaster ride and it has it good memories, and it also had its bad memories, and you had some times that were downright boring. The beginning of college was a time of crisis and emotional turmoil. I was in a major I did not like and I was with roommates that were not the coolest, but we had our good times too. Even though I did not like them, I had some experiences that will shape me the way I am now. One of the major events is the diagnosis of ADHD and then the change of my major to the A.A degree to figure out what I was truly good at and to catch up on the education that I have missed in high school.
The second year was a bland year, but it was a year of I was not going anywhere. I had my head up my butt and I seem kind of gullible about my world around me. But that year was a year of change. When I was 18, it was still high school in all practical purposes, but it was high school in a different light. But when I was 19, it was a time when I was learning about myself and exploring my world, and figuring out what the new me is. Now, I am 20 and the crisis is starting to end, and a new era might be coming pretty soon. I can see a peaceful era coming pretty soon and I might be very sucessful in the near future.
This year I had started to make new friends and I have been more relaxed than ever before. It seems like everything is starting to tie together into one big piece instead of a million other pieces of mess. I am starting to get a clearer picture of who I am and what God made me for, and this was based on the past experience. The past experiences I had somehow add up to something. I am supposed to be doing something and I think the start is coming pretty soon. I am joining a club to raise awareness in the school of people with ADHD and other disabilities. I have an understanding of what these people are going through and I have a feeling that they might need my wisdom to help them go through things. I have feelings that are people just like me, and they have talents and feeling too. One person is a pretty damn good artist, even though they might have a disability. I think these people need help because I can see pretty sucessful people coming out of them, they just need to have their kinks ironed out.
I seen a few with the same quirks as me and they remind me of the same things that I am going through. I feel sorry for these people, but I don't feel sorry for them either. I have a feeling they are milking their disabilities and they are not showing off their true talents. I want to see more art than idiocracy or dancing, or good hunting skills - a disability is not a sentence, but it could be things are rearranged in a different way, probably to make them shine in something else.
One thing I want to do is to be in a relationship with someone which is something that I never done before. Because of my lack of social skills and self confidence, I had never had a girlfriend for a long time. I might of had one for maybe a week or so, but I never really had a real good relationship. But someday it is going to happen and I think it is going to happen sooner than I think. I think I need to have a good confidence builder and that club might do just that. I would like to show the world that I am pretty cool just like everyone else, and I can date and do things like everything else. I have feelings you know. I think the reason why I never been in a relationship with someone for that long is the fact that I did not pick up on the social cues. I was either not choosing the right women or I have been not picking up the fact that the girl is not that interested in me as I think, and I might be a little bit too awkward. I have been trying to get to know girls, but I have been kinda stalkerish. I am also been not seeing things that clearly, and the chances of love might be higher when I am seeing things in a different light. The big thing is I have been focusing too much on more the popular girls or physical attraction than someone that is about my speed.
More on that later, but I think I should realize what is going on first before I proceed to relationships and stuff.
But now I have been feeling things are going to be different, and different in a good way. I think is time for me to spread my wisdom to the other people I feel I need help. I think I will be a good help with a lot of people since I have a lot of experience and I do have compassion for other people that are struggling just like me.
The second year was a bland year, but it was a year of I was not going anywhere. I had my head up my butt and I seem kind of gullible about my world around me. But that year was a year of change. When I was 18, it was still high school in all practical purposes, but it was high school in a different light. But when I was 19, it was a time when I was learning about myself and exploring my world, and figuring out what the new me is. Now, I am 20 and the crisis is starting to end, and a new era might be coming pretty soon. I can see a peaceful era coming pretty soon and I might be very sucessful in the near future.
This year I had started to make new friends and I have been more relaxed than ever before. It seems like everything is starting to tie together into one big piece instead of a million other pieces of mess. I am starting to get a clearer picture of who I am and what God made me for, and this was based on the past experience. The past experiences I had somehow add up to something. I am supposed to be doing something and I think the start is coming pretty soon. I am joining a club to raise awareness in the school of people with ADHD and other disabilities. I have an understanding of what these people are going through and I have a feeling that they might need my wisdom to help them go through things. I have feelings that are people just like me, and they have talents and feeling too. One person is a pretty damn good artist, even though they might have a disability. I think these people need help because I can see pretty sucessful people coming out of them, they just need to have their kinks ironed out.
I seen a few with the same quirks as me and they remind me of the same things that I am going through. I feel sorry for these people, but I don't feel sorry for them either. I have a feeling they are milking their disabilities and they are not showing off their true talents. I want to see more art than idiocracy or dancing, or good hunting skills - a disability is not a sentence, but it could be things are rearranged in a different way, probably to make them shine in something else.
One thing I want to do is to be in a relationship with someone which is something that I never done before. Because of my lack of social skills and self confidence, I had never had a girlfriend for a long time. I might of had one for maybe a week or so, but I never really had a real good relationship. But someday it is going to happen and I think it is going to happen sooner than I think. I think I need to have a good confidence builder and that club might do just that. I would like to show the world that I am pretty cool just like everyone else, and I can date and do things like everything else. I have feelings you know. I think the reason why I never been in a relationship with someone for that long is the fact that I did not pick up on the social cues. I was either not choosing the right women or I have been not picking up the fact that the girl is not that interested in me as I think, and I might be a little bit too awkward. I have been trying to get to know girls, but I have been kinda stalkerish. I am also been not seeing things that clearly, and the chances of love might be higher when I am seeing things in a different light. The big thing is I have been focusing too much on more the popular girls or physical attraction than someone that is about my speed.
More on that later, but I think I should realize what is going on first before I proceed to relationships and stuff.
But now I have been feeling things are going to be different, and different in a good way. I think is time for me to spread my wisdom to the other people I feel I need help. I think I will be a good help with a lot of people since I have a lot of experience and I do have compassion for other people that are struggling just like me.
I am different....everybody is!
I am starting to realize that I am changing and I might not be the same person I used to be. I think everyone is that way. I think about now it is the time when I am starting to finally grow up and see things as they really are. Maybe I never realized who I really was.
I have been diagnosed with ADHD and it looks like a lot of the things I do are not the true person, but more of an illness. I think people with ADHD have the same personality - it is not distinctive. It is a collection of symptoms. I don't think I was focused enough to figure out what I am truly interested in.
For most of my high school years, it was spent a lot of time sitting on the computer. I have been on social networking sites such as MySpace and Facebook, just like the other kids, but I did not develop that many serious friendships. It looks like that most of the time I was playing the games to stimulate myself and put up status updates where I did not have much thought. I also spent a lot of time looking up the most random things, and weren't interested in what the other kids were doing.
Now, I am getting medicated and it seems like when my medicine gets adjusted to a higher level, I realize who I am and how boring this internet browsing is starting to be. I am starting to be a different person - maybe I haven't really realized who I am like, and what I am truly interested. What I was this kid who basically was desperate to fit in, and knew what to do, but didn't really get the details. It looks like I was trying to do what the other kids were doing, but I wasn't really seeing things clearly and get what was cool or not cool at that time. I understood that rap music was cool at that time, but maybe I didn't realize how horrible it sounded or how it was not cool in the school I went to.
I did get some friends, but I never really made too many good friends. Some kids like me, but most of the kids liked me because of the symptoms and the rest seem to ignore me, or think I was stupid. A lot of kids in my class were thinking I am making a fool out of myself or putting on a front. I have been told that a lot students will just talk shit about me or spread rumors - most likely because I was socially awkward and didn't pick up on the social cues as the rest of the kids. It seems like I got the idea, but it always was about a half a second off or something like that.
The big thing I was trying to do in high school and even in college is to try to get in a relationship with someone - a girlfriend. In my mind, too me, a girlfriend is the key to social success and I was cool and with it. And it got to be a cool girlfriend - not a dorky one. But I didn't realize that I am really not meant for the girls I am after. The girls I am after were in sports or something like that, and they were interested in someone in sports, or some of the girls were the country girl type. It looks like I did not have a really good self concept of who I was to get a girlfriend. I think you need to know who you are before you start dating. Now, when I am medicated, I am starting to have a clearer picture of who I am and maybe things are dating.
Being a teenager is all about finding yourself, and I am 20, which means I am starting to get old. But I am still young and haven't really gotten started in life. I haven't even gotten a job yet. When I am medicated, I probably will have a clearer picture of who I am, what I want, and whatever, and I won't be this confused mess. It looks like I was a kid who was confused who didn't know where he was going and did not have a good self concept of myself. But now the pieces are starting to put together and for the first time, I might be seeing things the same way the other kids are seeing things. It is like wearing glasses. I am going to have clearer mental vision.
This is going to be a fun experience - I might have totally different tastes than I used to have. Things I used to like back then I am going to even regret saying I like. The times where fun back then, but in the future, things might be finally start to tie together and make sense to me. I am going to realize who I really am and what is truly going on. I think I am going to stop THINKING as much and start actually LOOKING. I have been been in my own world, like I have been on this strange planet, and it is time for me to actually get back to Earth. Things will be a lot different than I thought when I am back to Earth.
My past blogs look like there is a lot of scrambled thoughts, but now things are going to be a lot more clearer. It is going to be an enlightenment. It is just like the people in the time of the Rennaissance when they finally learned how to read, and all these crazy revolutions started to happen because things started to make sense to them. The same thing might happen to me.
I probably going to be a lot more successful especially with relationships because I am not seeing things more clearly. I might finally see what is good in a girl and not bad in a girl. And a lot of other things - very exciting experience is coming.
I looked at all the past blogs and it seems like there is a theme. It is a trying to find yourself thing, which is very common with teenagers, but it looks like I am getting too old for this. This is something that is usually done about 16 and that is why most teenagers can date easily because they have better sense of identity. I sound like some angsty 13-14 year old teenagers that finally starting to get shoved in that cold world. A lot of the topics are about not getting a girlfriend, finding yourself, very emotional like I am afraid of the world. The world is hell, but we have to learn to fight through it.
Some of the stuff I am writing is very interesting and stuff - very intelligent, and it looks like I am trying to find a worldview. But eventually, when I see things as they are, it is going to become boring.
I have been diagnosed with ADHD and it looks like a lot of the things I do are not the true person, but more of an illness. I think people with ADHD have the same personality - it is not distinctive. It is a collection of symptoms. I don't think I was focused enough to figure out what I am truly interested in.
For most of my high school years, it was spent a lot of time sitting on the computer. I have been on social networking sites such as MySpace and Facebook, just like the other kids, but I did not develop that many serious friendships. It looks like that most of the time I was playing the games to stimulate myself and put up status updates where I did not have much thought. I also spent a lot of time looking up the most random things, and weren't interested in what the other kids were doing.
Now, I am getting medicated and it seems like when my medicine gets adjusted to a higher level, I realize who I am and how boring this internet browsing is starting to be. I am starting to be a different person - maybe I haven't really realized who I am like, and what I am truly interested. What I was this kid who basically was desperate to fit in, and knew what to do, but didn't really get the details. It looks like I was trying to do what the other kids were doing, but I wasn't really seeing things clearly and get what was cool or not cool at that time. I understood that rap music was cool at that time, but maybe I didn't realize how horrible it sounded or how it was not cool in the school I went to.
I did get some friends, but I never really made too many good friends. Some kids like me, but most of the kids liked me because of the symptoms and the rest seem to ignore me, or think I was stupid. A lot of kids in my class were thinking I am making a fool out of myself or putting on a front. I have been told that a lot students will just talk shit about me or spread rumors - most likely because I was socially awkward and didn't pick up on the social cues as the rest of the kids. It seems like I got the idea, but it always was about a half a second off or something like that.
The big thing I was trying to do in high school and even in college is to try to get in a relationship with someone - a girlfriend. In my mind, too me, a girlfriend is the key to social success and I was cool and with it. And it got to be a cool girlfriend - not a dorky one. But I didn't realize that I am really not meant for the girls I am after. The girls I am after were in sports or something like that, and they were interested in someone in sports, or some of the girls were the country girl type. It looks like I did not have a really good self concept of who I was to get a girlfriend. I think you need to know who you are before you start dating. Now, when I am medicated, I am starting to have a clearer picture of who I am and maybe things are dating.
Being a teenager is all about finding yourself, and I am 20, which means I am starting to get old. But I am still young and haven't really gotten started in life. I haven't even gotten a job yet. When I am medicated, I probably will have a clearer picture of who I am, what I want, and whatever, and I won't be this confused mess. It looks like I was a kid who was confused who didn't know where he was going and did not have a good self concept of myself. But now the pieces are starting to put together and for the first time, I might be seeing things the same way the other kids are seeing things. It is like wearing glasses. I am going to have clearer mental vision.
This is going to be a fun experience - I might have totally different tastes than I used to have. Things I used to like back then I am going to even regret saying I like. The times where fun back then, but in the future, things might be finally start to tie together and make sense to me. I am going to realize who I really am and what is truly going on. I think I am going to stop THINKING as much and start actually LOOKING. I have been been in my own world, like I have been on this strange planet, and it is time for me to actually get back to Earth. Things will be a lot different than I thought when I am back to Earth.
My past blogs look like there is a lot of scrambled thoughts, but now things are going to be a lot more clearer. It is going to be an enlightenment. It is just like the people in the time of the Rennaissance when they finally learned how to read, and all these crazy revolutions started to happen because things started to make sense to them. The same thing might happen to me.
I probably going to be a lot more successful especially with relationships because I am not seeing things more clearly. I might finally see what is good in a girl and not bad in a girl. And a lot of other things - very exciting experience is coming.
I looked at all the past blogs and it seems like there is a theme. It is a trying to find yourself thing, which is very common with teenagers, but it looks like I am getting too old for this. This is something that is usually done about 16 and that is why most teenagers can date easily because they have better sense of identity. I sound like some angsty 13-14 year old teenagers that finally starting to get shoved in that cold world. A lot of the topics are about not getting a girlfriend, finding yourself, very emotional like I am afraid of the world. The world is hell, but we have to learn to fight through it.
Some of the stuff I am writing is very interesting and stuff - very intelligent, and it looks like I am trying to find a worldview. But eventually, when I see things as they are, it is going to become boring.
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