It has been almost a month since the last time I seen my grandpa and it is starting to be like a different world. It has this different feeling of not being able to see my grandparents anymore and they won't be here to guide me. Memorial Day is one of these holidays that you honor the people that died before you and this year actually might of been a more depressing Memorial Days than others. This is when I don't have any grandparents - they have been all dead for a month and it has a different feeling.
It takes time for adjusting but it looks like it is time for me to grow up. There are lots of things to makes me venture off on my own and live my own life.
I am starting to feel awkward even sitting at home - everyone I know had went off in their own direction and I am starting to feel more and more left behind. Of course I am going to school but it is time for me to start my own life and be my own person, and it is hard to figure out what person I am going to be.
It looks like it has been a pretty lonely period in my life - I made new friends, but I didn't made new friends. It looks like I am getting stuck with a bunch of people I don't know and I don't want to know, and I want to be somewhere else. I have been having these roommates and their friends, and some of them are not the coolest. But at least I got rid of these roommates and I am going to make some progress. I have some fear about being this lonely person when I enter the "real world." I am trying to find out where I fit but I don't know where I fit. Lord please help me find where I fit and who I fit into. I like to fit into younger people, but I have the intellectual capacity to actually fit with older people. Relationships and friendships are very important to me because I am naturally a pretty social person.
I think I need to get the ball rolling. It looks like it is like a mass move - all the people I knew are gone and it feels like is a totally different world. A different life. It is hard to accept me moving on but hopefully things are going to be better.
I hope I find a good path and this path might be a good start. I don't know where I fit and who I am going to fit with - it looks like I am trying to redefine myself.
Maybe I should go back to the simplicity of childhood where I don't think about things. It looks like life has been a lot simpler as a child than an young adult - gasp - young adult like me. I am going through denial that I am getting older and I haven't really gone anywhere - but it looks like I had grown up a lot. It looks like I am not the same person as I was when I was even 16 or 18 - I had changed a lot.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
One more year to go
I have almost completed another year of college and it has been one of my lighter years academic wises, but it was a stressful year in other ways. It looks like this year has some good points and some bad points to it: The good points is I started to get employed for the first time in my life and I started to get some experience with money. I am starting to download music and even look at Netflix, and I am starting to buy things such as a iPod and computer. Of course, I got the technology bought and my first computer and TV were pretty big purchases for my first job that I worked hard with, but now I am going to start working for living and not just buying computers and stuff. Eventually I am going to start getting another hobby as well and I might buy more things.
The next thing was a kick start with my higher learning at Scholastica. I am starting to get a path but I am starting to catch up ball. The hardcore stuff is going to start next year and it is going to be a year of rapid change. This year was a slowdown but the rapid change is going to start next summer - things are going to be very progressive as I transition from the teen-college life to the fully grown mature adult life. Maybe it is time to grow up and I am going to enjoy it - it is going to take time to transition from this spoon feed teen world to the adult world and I am going to start acting like young adults.
I am going to have different values - they are going to put a more positive, progressive, ready to face the world and confident perspective on life that "real world" is cool and school is not. The high school-college world is not going to be an interest. I have a feeling it might be lonely transitioning from the high school- college world to the real world, unless I start getting some type of hobby or interest. I do like to do things and I should spend a little time doing something more than browsing the internet and whining. I think I am going to fit in very well as I get my butt in gear and be a little bit more open minded about things.
This last year has been a tough year but it is going to be a wake up call of what happens if I continue this wussy whiny stuff I been going through. I have been shoved with roommates that are not cool and they don't want to grow up. They don't want to accept the responsibility of the real world and I want to do things, but I have been placed with students that weren't cool. I moved away from them and at least I got someone halfway cool.
I have a feeling next year is going to be a year of change - there was sort of a slowdown this year but next year things are going to be changing at a rapid pace. I have been the same basic person for about the last 3 years and it is now time to change, and that person was not that great. There was a lot of self discovery in the last few years and it was a quiet, more introspective time. Now it is time to get with the program and I am going to be a different person.
Girls have been always on my mind and I haven't really had a chance with girls. It looks like I am pretty shy around girls, but I think I need to change my attitude about them. It is time to come and get them and I am getting better. The first thing I probably have to do is to start an identity and maybe try some new hobbies - lets say cars or fishing, something like that and there are going to be girls and guys that like this stuff. My dad likes cars but I haven't have a chance to learn - I like to drive around place which is pretty fun and to travel. These resorts sound like fun too and maybe try swimming, fishing, just fooling around the beach, etc.
There is a lot of change and it is time to be more realistic and to grow up. Maybe I haven't had a chance to figure thing out.
The next thing was a kick start with my higher learning at Scholastica. I am starting to get a path but I am starting to catch up ball. The hardcore stuff is going to start next year and it is going to be a year of rapid change. This year was a slowdown but the rapid change is going to start next summer - things are going to be very progressive as I transition from the teen-college life to the fully grown mature adult life. Maybe it is time to grow up and I am going to enjoy it - it is going to take time to transition from this spoon feed teen world to the adult world and I am going to start acting like young adults.
I am going to have different values - they are going to put a more positive, progressive, ready to face the world and confident perspective on life that "real world" is cool and school is not. The high school-college world is not going to be an interest. I have a feeling it might be lonely transitioning from the high school- college world to the real world, unless I start getting some type of hobby or interest. I do like to do things and I should spend a little time doing something more than browsing the internet and whining. I think I am going to fit in very well as I get my butt in gear and be a little bit more open minded about things.
This last year has been a tough year but it is going to be a wake up call of what happens if I continue this wussy whiny stuff I been going through. I have been shoved with roommates that are not cool and they don't want to grow up. They don't want to accept the responsibility of the real world and I want to do things, but I have been placed with students that weren't cool. I moved away from them and at least I got someone halfway cool.
I have a feeling next year is going to be a year of change - there was sort of a slowdown this year but next year things are going to be changing at a rapid pace. I have been the same basic person for about the last 3 years and it is now time to change, and that person was not that great. There was a lot of self discovery in the last few years and it was a quiet, more introspective time. Now it is time to get with the program and I am going to be a different person.
Girls have been always on my mind and I haven't really had a chance with girls. It looks like I am pretty shy around girls, but I think I need to change my attitude about them. It is time to come and get them and I am getting better. The first thing I probably have to do is to start an identity and maybe try some new hobbies - lets say cars or fishing, something like that and there are going to be girls and guys that like this stuff. My dad likes cars but I haven't have a chance to learn - I like to drive around place which is pretty fun and to travel. These resorts sound like fun too and maybe try swimming, fishing, just fooling around the beach, etc.
There is a lot of change and it is time to be more realistic and to grow up. Maybe I haven't had a chance to figure thing out.
Friday, May 10, 2013
I am growing up in subtle ways
I have been through a lot of growing up experiences in the last year or so. I had experienced many things such as a flood, 2 deaths in the family, and finally starting to get my first job. But now when I am starting to grow up, there are some things I would not like to go back to.
Of course, I want to keep my youth but I want to be grown up at the same time. I have the ability to drive and it will be nice to have the ability to drive wherever I please - there are places to go and things to see, and these things are not going to be a fantasy, they are going to become a reality.
There is a whole world for me to experience and I would like to find my place in the world - there are lots of cool stuff to try out and I don't have to fantasize - it is a true reality. Getting my first job and having my own money has been a reality and I am able to buy things such as iTunes cards, Hulu, Netflix, and even some nice stuff such as a new computer. Relationships and sex are going to become a reality and not a fantasy.
It looks like growing up is where fantasy starts to become reality, but sometimes reality is not that good. There are some tough obstacles about reality and it makes me not want to face reality. I have this fantasy world of love which I seem like I am not even getting close to it.
I have been facing my fears as well and in the last few weeks, there has been many things that I have been fearing that is no big deal. I have been having these irrational fears of going to the doctor and the dentist. I had this feeling that the pain is enormous and is going to be something that I can't handle - but I had a logical understanding that I need to go through this fear to do things. I had my tooth pulled and I experienced the fear of getting it pulled - it was a short amount of bleeding but they put the solution in my mouth and I felt a little scrape in my tooth, and it was done. I didn't believe that my tooth was pulled out at that fast of a speed and I needed a filling at the dentist. Then I experience the fear of going to the doctor and I was hospitalized - I had a blood test and a MRI for "passing out", and I realized it was some dehydration. I had that intense fear of blood tests and needles.
I am starting to get less fearful and getting less sensitive to pain and blood - I can handle a lot of things, and I even seen the last few hours before death with my grandpa. He was peacefully getting ready to die. The open grave did scare me a bit when he was buried but I have this belief that I am going to a better place.
It looks like I have become more tougher and powerful, and I am sort of a weakling. I used to be afraid of everything but now I am overcoming my anxiety and becoming less emotional. There are many other things to be afraid of such as going to prison and such, and that is a good thing of being afraid, but I can learn to face it.
Of course, I want to keep my youth but I want to be grown up at the same time. I have the ability to drive and it will be nice to have the ability to drive wherever I please - there are places to go and things to see, and these things are not going to be a fantasy, they are going to become a reality.
There is a whole world for me to experience and I would like to find my place in the world - there are lots of cool stuff to try out and I don't have to fantasize - it is a true reality. Getting my first job and having my own money has been a reality and I am able to buy things such as iTunes cards, Hulu, Netflix, and even some nice stuff such as a new computer. Relationships and sex are going to become a reality and not a fantasy.
It looks like growing up is where fantasy starts to become reality, but sometimes reality is not that good. There are some tough obstacles about reality and it makes me not want to face reality. I have this fantasy world of love which I seem like I am not even getting close to it.
I have been facing my fears as well and in the last few weeks, there has been many things that I have been fearing that is no big deal. I have been having these irrational fears of going to the doctor and the dentist. I had this feeling that the pain is enormous and is going to be something that I can't handle - but I had a logical understanding that I need to go through this fear to do things. I had my tooth pulled and I experienced the fear of getting it pulled - it was a short amount of bleeding but they put the solution in my mouth and I felt a little scrape in my tooth, and it was done. I didn't believe that my tooth was pulled out at that fast of a speed and I needed a filling at the dentist. Then I experience the fear of going to the doctor and I was hospitalized - I had a blood test and a MRI for "passing out", and I realized it was some dehydration. I had that intense fear of blood tests and needles.
I am starting to get less fearful and getting less sensitive to pain and blood - I can handle a lot of things, and I even seen the last few hours before death with my grandpa. He was peacefully getting ready to die. The open grave did scare me a bit when he was buried but I have this belief that I am going to a better place.
It looks like I have become more tougher and powerful, and I am sort of a weakling. I used to be afraid of everything but now I am overcoming my anxiety and becoming less emotional. There are many other things to be afraid of such as going to prison and such, and that is a good thing of being afraid, but I can learn to face it.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
It's not the same
It has dawned on me - all of my grandparents are gone and it is time for me to move on. I got my parents and I have no siblings, so pretty much I am on my own. It is not going to be the same anymore. There has been wonderful memories and seeing grandma and grandpa has been a part of my life ever since I have been born. There has been some wonderful adventures, but the times have been a thing of a past.
I had many good memories of grandpa when I was a child - he used to play camping in the tent with me and he used to take me out to some egg farm. Some pretty fun times and he used to go in rides in the car with me. But the times are different and it is not going to be the same. Grandpa and Grandma were always someone to go for some advice and some wisdom, but these people are gone right now and it is time to move on.
One day I am going to leave - we are all going to leave and death is a natural, unavoidable process of life. We are not going to live forever. I started to have this thought and I was starting to contemplate about death and the afterlife, and my purpose of being here when I started college. I wanted to know my true purpose in life and what I should be doing. There was a lot of change -a totally different way of living than the old way of living and now I am entering another way of living - living with my grandparents.
Maybe it is time for me to find someone to love - it is getting about time. I never really been in love but I think I know the feeling that I have been close to love. Maybe this feeling of love is something I crave and I am looking for someone to love. Love is so hard to find - it is an intense emotion and I feel like I am not loved. Of course, my parents love me but I thinking about somebody extra to love me. Maybe there might be someone.
Love is something that I need - It is like the same feelings as the flowers in the spring or a nice warm sunny day. I don't want to be poetic but I think this feeling of love is something I am starting to crave after the death of my grandparents. Lord help me move on with my life and help me find my purpose somewhere - I would like to be loved. I am not desperate but it could be a great feeling that I am lacking.
I had many good memories of grandpa when I was a child - he used to play camping in the tent with me and he used to take me out to some egg farm. Some pretty fun times and he used to go in rides in the car with me. But the times are different and it is not going to be the same. Grandpa and Grandma were always someone to go for some advice and some wisdom, but these people are gone right now and it is time to move on.
One day I am going to leave - we are all going to leave and death is a natural, unavoidable process of life. We are not going to live forever. I started to have this thought and I was starting to contemplate about death and the afterlife, and my purpose of being here when I started college. I wanted to know my true purpose in life and what I should be doing. There was a lot of change -a totally different way of living than the old way of living and now I am entering another way of living - living with my grandparents.
Maybe it is time for me to find someone to love - it is getting about time. I never really been in love but I think I know the feeling that I have been close to love. Maybe this feeling of love is something I crave and I am looking for someone to love. Love is so hard to find - it is an intense emotion and I feel like I am not loved. Of course, my parents love me but I thinking about somebody extra to love me. Maybe there might be someone.
Love is something that I need - It is like the same feelings as the flowers in the spring or a nice warm sunny day. I don't want to be poetic but I think this feeling of love is something I am starting to crave after the death of my grandparents. Lord help me move on with my life and help me find my purpose somewhere - I would like to be loved. I am not desperate but it could be a great feeling that I am lacking.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
The next 5 years
The next 5 years in my life I am going to change drastically - I had grown a lot in the previous 5 years; you probably would not even known me about 5 years ago and then 5 years in the future I am going to be a different person. I think I need to change my focus on things - I think I need to change the way I act or feel about things. I did in the last 5 years and then I will in the future.
5 years ago I was a senior in high school - actually a junior going into a senior and I was worried about things such as going on MySpace. My parents were on my butt about getting a job and having my head screwed on, but it was the Great Recession that was causing barriers. 5 years ago things seem to be different and I seem to be a different person. It looks like I was in "la la" land and it seems like I was enjoying the moment, regretting that I have to graduate. I thought this high school stuff will never end.
Then about 2009 I was booted out the door and you know the story. But it seems to be that I changed about 2010 when my grandma died. I started to start fresh and decided I needed to move on - I wanted to start from square one with the A.A degree and decide from there because the path I was going in was going know nowhere. Then I also realized there was some problem keeping me from realizing that I need to grow up and I got that fixed - a simple ADD that is and it looks like I am a totally different person.
There is a lot of adjustments with the ADD and I am finally starting to break through these adjustments. I was getting the driving situation out of the way and by about now, I am pretty good with driving. I had a few accidents last year but that woke me up to become a more responsible driver. Then I got my first job last years and I am starting to experience the world more financially. There was a lot to figure out with driving, getting a job, and continuing my education, along with my inner self. I am starting to realize my identity and what I am truly am, and what I believe in, and what I don't believe in. Pretty much I got things established by about now.
But the next 5 years is going to be some major change - I need to get off my butt and start moving on. This year I should get the education rolling and to start develop more and more independence - I think I need to fine tune myself so I will be a more self-confident and competent person. I should start to make myself as attractive and "hot" as possible - I am not some ugly little pipsqueak, I could look pretty good for the ladies.
After I am done with my education, I should try to start making some money and start living on my own. I got my foot in the door for a job but eventually I should start a career, and then I should focus on relationships. I know relationships are hard and is one of my biggest weakness - why can't I ever find a date. Maybe I truly don't believe I am "hot" enough and I should start acting and looking "sexier." No girl will like to date some whiny helpless pimped faced mamas boy - we probably have some values that make us attractive and I should try to make myself attractive. It is hard to think ahead in the future but most likely everything is going to fall into place and the only way I am going to get anywhere is to be a little more "confident" and "assertive." It just the cold hard truth - I tried doing everything the passive way but it looks like I am not going anywhere. Most girls want strong and sexy, not weak and whiny except for weak and whiny.
I better get moving and to start thinking I am hot or sexier - I need to become a MAN!!!! Not a boy, a MAN!!!!
5 years ago I was a senior in high school - actually a junior going into a senior and I was worried about things such as going on MySpace. My parents were on my butt about getting a job and having my head screwed on, but it was the Great Recession that was causing barriers. 5 years ago things seem to be different and I seem to be a different person. It looks like I was in "la la" land and it seems like I was enjoying the moment, regretting that I have to graduate. I thought this high school stuff will never end.
Then about 2009 I was booted out the door and you know the story. But it seems to be that I changed about 2010 when my grandma died. I started to start fresh and decided I needed to move on - I wanted to start from square one with the A.A degree and decide from there because the path I was going in was going know nowhere. Then I also realized there was some problem keeping me from realizing that I need to grow up and I got that fixed - a simple ADD that is and it looks like I am a totally different person.
There is a lot of adjustments with the ADD and I am finally starting to break through these adjustments. I was getting the driving situation out of the way and by about now, I am pretty good with driving. I had a few accidents last year but that woke me up to become a more responsible driver. Then I got my first job last years and I am starting to experience the world more financially. There was a lot to figure out with driving, getting a job, and continuing my education, along with my inner self. I am starting to realize my identity and what I am truly am, and what I believe in, and what I don't believe in. Pretty much I got things established by about now.
But the next 5 years is going to be some major change - I need to get off my butt and start moving on. This year I should get the education rolling and to start develop more and more independence - I think I need to fine tune myself so I will be a more self-confident and competent person. I should start to make myself as attractive and "hot" as possible - I am not some ugly little pipsqueak, I could look pretty good for the ladies.
After I am done with my education, I should try to start making some money and start living on my own. I got my foot in the door for a job but eventually I should start a career, and then I should focus on relationships. I know relationships are hard and is one of my biggest weakness - why can't I ever find a date. Maybe I truly don't believe I am "hot" enough and I should start acting and looking "sexier." No girl will like to date some whiny helpless pimped faced mamas boy - we probably have some values that make us attractive and I should try to make myself attractive. It is hard to think ahead in the future but most likely everything is going to fall into place and the only way I am going to get anywhere is to be a little more "confident" and "assertive." It just the cold hard truth - I tried doing everything the passive way but it looks like I am not going anywhere. Most girls want strong and sexy, not weak and whiny except for weak and whiny.
I better get moving and to start thinking I am hot or sexier - I need to become a MAN!!!! Not a boy, a MAN!!!!
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