It looks like there is a different life is starting to emerge - it seems like I am starting to enter a new chapter in my life and another chapter is starting to close. After about a month, I'll be done with my courses with CLC and I'll only have about a year left of Scholastica to complete, then I will transition and venture out in the real world.
When I first entered college, I had a totally different path and a totally different plan in mind. I wanted to go in the graphic design program and I thought it would be fun to fool around with Photoshop all day and get paid for it. But I needed some background in the technology field and I was taking classes in computers - it wasn't bad but I was fratting my way through it - I was more interested in the liberal arts subjects I had to take such as the communication classes and audio recording, which shows me that I am a different person.
The last 3 years was a creation of a totally different person and I am starting to become this different person. I never expected myself to be this way about 3-4 years ago - I was some guy that didn't really seem to care about money or anything like that, and wanted a job just for fun. I know I wanted to start a family and have children, but I was walking around with my head up my butt. I wasn't really thinking far into the future and I was having some obscure ideas of what I was going to be in the future, and I never thought about the path that I was going in.
The first glimpse of the path I was going into roots about the 9th-10th grade - I was interested in stores and shopping at that time, but lots of teenagers like it, but I was interested in how things were marketed, such as how MTV and Disney are marketing their TV shows. Over the summer months, I had a interest in target markets and I seem to have a sense of what type of person likes this thing and what type of person likes that things. I am always trying to predict fads and trends in music, TV, etc.
There are the first signs of this person in the high school ages but it was a very fuzzy image. This image usually comes out during the quiet times of summer vacation of when I have nothing to do.
I had taken psychology classes in college - a lot of psychology and it seems like I have an interest in human behavior. I especially started getting interested in human behavior when I had been exposed to roommates and I want to understand what makes them tick. I was also going through tumultuous times myself especially in high school and college, and psychology was used on myself. It looks like things are starting to become more and more narrowed down, and I had developed into this totally different person.
Okay, it looks like there was a major time of change but the next thing is to develop the new person that I had changed into. For about the last 3 years, there was a transition from this old persona to the new persona and it looks like it was a lonely time, but in the next few years, this persona is starting to blossom and there is going to be a new me.
I was probably not the same guy as I was in 8th grade and I am definitely not the same guy when I was in the 4th grade, but I can see roots of the same guy as I was in elementary school, but it is starting to develop into a person that I am now.
Maybe this guy might not be bad - I am a lot more traditional than I was in high school - of course, maybe I was always deep down pretty conservative but I was trying to "fit in" with the crowd. I was pretty traditional with things such as you don't do drugs, I rather date than hook up, and I am sucking on to teen idols. I was living sort of a 1950s style high school by going to McDonalds, hanging out at the library, and going to school dances and sporting events - I was pretty conformist for the first part in high school and wanted to go with the jones. But I haven't really completed the package - I was mixing this 1950s high school conformist fitting in kid with the prom and the whole bit but want to have the gangsta, street attitude. It doesn't work. I was too wussy to actually even say the F word and I never even touched a cigarette - it doesn't match up. But now I am trying to conform to the 1950s style lifestyle in college and I am getting stuck with these roommates that are like the "thug life" that I asked for in high school. Maybe I realized that the 1950s path will work out good.
Now I am starting to realize - deep down I want the cleaner, 1950, 1980s 1990s path and I might as well fit the package. I probably want the simple lifestyle of having a family and raising kids, and I would like to find a girl that will go along with my traditional values. Of course, it was hard to stick to this attitude because I was trying to act cool but there were times where I didn't really act like a phony and I will be fitting in just fine.
I think I am developing into this person that I was sneering at in high school or I was always that way. Maybe it is time to let this personality, this identity all out and someone will find me. I am starting to get with the program and I am most likely going to fit in just
I fine.
I think it is time to show it instead of just rambling ideas - I know what I want but it looks like I am not acting the part. Maybe it is time to start acting to part and see what happens.
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