It looks like the times have been pretty tough for the last few years, especially with the roommates, but now it seems like things are starting to turn around. It looks like I am starting to feel pretty happy about myself and it seems like my self esteem has not been that high for a long time.
There might be some reasons why there are some improvement with mood and overall morale in the past few months or so. The first thing might be the medication. Now I am on 100% Straterra, which is an antidepressant and it makes me see things "for the way they are". Maybe what is actually happening is not really that bad and I should worry about what is truly important in life for my age. I should be worrying about the big things such as the economy and stuff like everyone else instead of the little things in life such as some small snit or rejection or teen angst that I should of outgrown by now.
The next thing is more freedom - it seems like I am driving to Wal Mart myself for the first time which makes me feel just as cool as the other people. The more freedom means the more happiness and honor.
I am also having a good idea of what I should be doing too and not really in a diffused idenity - now I am starting to get a pretty good plan and a pretty screwed on path for now instead of not just going nowwhere.
I am also starting to get more educated. It seems like a lot of my whining is taking place about a few bad days in high school that stand out but I should remember everyone has a few bad days in high school. I should count my blessings - high school really was not that bad. Compared to the average teenager at that time, I had high school pretty good. I have been living in a stable family environment with no divorces or stepparents, my parents have been pretty economically stable even though they do not spend that much money, and I was not involved with the law. I only had a few minor incidences that involved mainly social networking harassment which is very common for a lot of teenagers.
I did not drink or smoke, and I was 100% virgin. I did not even kiss a girl in high school and I was single the entire time. I only had crushes on girls but it seems like the girls I had crushes on did not like me back or notice me, or are taking by somebody else. My mom had told me that girls did like me, but I was too busy chasing after some hot blonde just to look popular that could care less about me than actually going after the girls (which were probably brunettes and redheads) that actually did care for me at the time. It seems like the cool thing at that time was to do the naughty stuff and my high school life was pretty Disney esque. Maybe too Disney esque.
Teenagers usually want to rebel and I did my rebelling as well, but it looked like I followed the rules pretty well. It seemed like I rebelled the most with technology and that was the simple digital divide. My parents did not agree with what I did on the internet but I went on the internet and did stuff already. I seemed to be disclipined pretty harshly of what I have done on the internet so I know I should not act like a fool om the internet.
High school did have some of its happy times and it seemed like the happiest times in my high school years is the time when I was going against the norms and listened to the music I want to listen to. While everyone was listening to rap and emo or screamo, I was listening to music such as Aly & AJ and Hannah Montana which was for younger kids in their opinion. I did not want to admit I was liking Hannah Montana because it was too clean for a teenager and teenagers wanted to rebel, but I am realizing I am no oddball but there are a whole bunch of teenagers just like me coming in the future. They are the overprotective Disney teenager Mouseketeers of Generation Z.
My parents seemed to be pretty overprotective and they had high standards on my behavior. They wanted a person who was well adjusted outside of high school instead of in high school. My parents and grandparents were not in the "rah rah" of high school of other parents; they wanted me to focus on career and life outside of high school than in high school. They wanted a good kid and I may be too mature and goody goody for high school for that time, which the students in my class were left over Gen Yers.
It looked like there was a choice to be made. I was trying to fit in with my peers and older students, but my parents did see through me and see what I was actually like. They rather have me be friends with more of a Hannah Montana high school buddies than Beavis and Butthead. Even though I did regret some of this in high school, I would like to thank my parents and God for getting my through high school and continuing in college. I may not be the "coolest person" at that time, but I sure no "geek" or "nerd". I was sort of a trendsetter and a good role model for younger teenagers, and that was starting to come in when I was about a junior and senior in high school. The younger students took to me a lot better than the older and I can see this trend is starting to come in college.
Now I do have sympathy for high school students that don't seem to fit in. They may not be the coolest but they are always cool in front of their parents and most importantly, God. You gotta remember - all you need to please is yourself and God. The be yourself thing is cliche but it works out all the time - it takes a lot of work being someone that God did not want you to be. God had created your imperfections for a reason and they are not imperfections in the eyes of the Lord.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
You can learn a lot through facebook
Facebook has recently released the Timeline application and you can learn a lot through what is going on your Facebook. I can see I changed a lot and I think it might be the medication taking effect. It looks like when I am on different medications I have a rapid change in personality and the like. I don't think anybody is reading my blog so I can dig deep my inner thoughts, but on the internet I have to understand it is not a diary but a place that you talk to people - that is where the concept of theory of mind takes place and it seems like some people lack the theory of mind on the internet. I had read about the concept of "digital autism" and that is what is turning into for the people that spend time on the internet.
Anyway, but my medication is basically gone and I am ADDing on the internet, so I might as well take a look at what I was interested in throughout the years.
When I first went on Facebook in 2008 it looked like I was interested in teen idols such as Chris Brown, Hilary Duff, and Miley Cyrus. I was growing up and was starting to like Mariah Carey as well but I remember the fan pages were not that popular yet and I was not nuts about it, and I was pretty honest about my interests. I did like YouTube at that time but the internet I had was very slow, but I did watch YouTube in a chop formation. This might be an honest application of what I like and I still like Mariah Carey, etc.
It looked like in 2009 I switched to liking more R&B and hip-hop and some rock artists, along with a few pop artists but it looked like I was going through a R&B and hip-hop phase in music, which I remember I was doing before 2009 but I just added them as fan pages. I was a pretty normal teenager and it seemed like I was getting into Jeff Dunham and Family Guy and I seemed to be a fan of Shane Dawson. It looked like I was a pretty definable and predictable person.
2010 was the year I was realizing deep down I was a softie and it seems like I was going against my R&B and hip-hop interest and starting to listen to more adult orientated music. I was spending a lot of time on the internet - I think I was trying to find out who I was and I was experimenting with different things. I think the roommates had influenced that and this gangsta attitude was not that cool,and deep down I realized that I am pretty "square" and comformist, and the gangsta attitude was more of a conformity thing than actually a rebellion. It looks like I was trying to fit in instead of being hardcore, and a lot of the stuff the roommates were doing were too hardcore for me. It was an awakening for me and it is time for me to shape up.
Education is also influencing that too along with the medications. It seems like I was trying to find myself on my new medication and I was trying to get educated as well. That's why I seem to wear messed up clothes for a while because of the idenity management I was going through.
It looks like 2011 I was trying to find my self as well and my interests are starting to become more diverse. I seem to be like an liberal arts major and that's what the liberal arts major is for, is to explore the world to see what you are and what you are not, and by the time I was done with the major, you have a very broad opinion of who you are and are not. It looks like I was experimenting around with chill out music, jazz, etc. just to find my new idenity but I think sometimes I get weird. But I was not 100% medicated so I seemed to be this person who is "out in their own world" and down to Earth. But it seemed like that too much college without much idenity will make you some "thinking man hipster" that is overeducated and do not know who he is, probably with diversity propaganda. It looks like I was trying to learn about my culture and my background, and I seemed to be fascinated by that.
By 2012, it seemed like I have gotten back to Earth but I seemed to be open minded about things. I am still learning about the world around me, but instead of exploring I am starting to figure out who I am and trying to stick to it. I can't just sit around just exploring everything, you need to find out what you like and stick to it. Eventually the day will come and I will start sticking to it. I think you need to be focused with who you are. You can't listen to country one day and then listen to emo another day, and listen to techno. I am starting to be tolerate and I am starting to realize I am musical, and maybe that is the thing that I appreciate music for the sake it is music, not the sociocultural stereotypes that go with it. I am listening to music because it is the way it is, not because I am trying to put on on act. But one day I am going to find something that clicks and it is going to click.
But I am starting to realize what the music is really for and I am starting to find a sociocultural view of myself. R&B is technically for black people, but I think anyone can listen to R&B. Forget there is a black guy singing it and listen to the harmonies, the melodies, etc. the music. I always associate country with rednecks but I should just bite the bullet and get rid of the redneck stereotype, and I associate rock music will stoners. Not necessary. There should not be an stereotype to certain things but I think people tend to put things into stereotypes and categories. But maybe I am going to fall into one too because the stereotypes are just an exaggeration of certain subcultures that need to stop. But ones people find out who they are, the will eventually fall into a category and stick to it, and I think I need to explore and stick to it, or remain neutral.
Anyway, but my medication is basically gone and I am ADDing on the internet, so I might as well take a look at what I was interested in throughout the years.
When I first went on Facebook in 2008 it looked like I was interested in teen idols such as Chris Brown, Hilary Duff, and Miley Cyrus. I was growing up and was starting to like Mariah Carey as well but I remember the fan pages were not that popular yet and I was not nuts about it, and I was pretty honest about my interests. I did like YouTube at that time but the internet I had was very slow, but I did watch YouTube in a chop formation. This might be an honest application of what I like and I still like Mariah Carey, etc.
It looked like in 2009 I switched to liking more R&B and hip-hop and some rock artists, along with a few pop artists but it looked like I was going through a R&B and hip-hop phase in music, which I remember I was doing before 2009 but I just added them as fan pages. I was a pretty normal teenager and it seemed like I was getting into Jeff Dunham and Family Guy and I seemed to be a fan of Shane Dawson. It looked like I was a pretty definable and predictable person.
2010 was the year I was realizing deep down I was a softie and it seems like I was going against my R&B and hip-hop interest and starting to listen to more adult orientated music. I was spending a lot of time on the internet - I think I was trying to find out who I was and I was experimenting with different things. I think the roommates had influenced that and this gangsta attitude was not that cool,and deep down I realized that I am pretty "square" and comformist, and the gangsta attitude was more of a conformity thing than actually a rebellion. It looks like I was trying to fit in instead of being hardcore, and a lot of the stuff the roommates were doing were too hardcore for me. It was an awakening for me and it is time for me to shape up.
Education is also influencing that too along with the medications. It seems like I was trying to find myself on my new medication and I was trying to get educated as well. That's why I seem to wear messed up clothes for a while because of the idenity management I was going through.
It looks like 2011 I was trying to find my self as well and my interests are starting to become more diverse. I seem to be like an liberal arts major and that's what the liberal arts major is for, is to explore the world to see what you are and what you are not, and by the time I was done with the major, you have a very broad opinion of who you are and are not. It looks like I was experimenting around with chill out music, jazz, etc. just to find my new idenity but I think sometimes I get weird. But I was not 100% medicated so I seemed to be this person who is "out in their own world" and down to Earth. But it seemed like that too much college without much idenity will make you some "thinking man hipster" that is overeducated and do not know who he is, probably with diversity propaganda. It looks like I was trying to learn about my culture and my background, and I seemed to be fascinated by that.
By 2012, it seemed like I have gotten back to Earth but I seemed to be open minded about things. I am still learning about the world around me, but instead of exploring I am starting to figure out who I am and trying to stick to it. I can't just sit around just exploring everything, you need to find out what you like and stick to it. Eventually the day will come and I will start sticking to it. I think you need to be focused with who you are. You can't listen to country one day and then listen to emo another day, and listen to techno. I am starting to be tolerate and I am starting to realize I am musical, and maybe that is the thing that I appreciate music for the sake it is music, not the sociocultural stereotypes that go with it. I am listening to music because it is the way it is, not because I am trying to put on on act. But one day I am going to find something that clicks and it is going to click.
But I am starting to realize what the music is really for and I am starting to find a sociocultural view of myself. R&B is technically for black people, but I think anyone can listen to R&B. Forget there is a black guy singing it and listen to the harmonies, the melodies, etc. the music. I always associate country with rednecks but I should just bite the bullet and get rid of the redneck stereotype, and I associate rock music will stoners. Not necessary. There should not be an stereotype to certain things but I think people tend to put things into stereotypes and categories. But maybe I am going to fall into one too because the stereotypes are just an exaggeration of certain subcultures that need to stop. But ones people find out who they are, the will eventually fall into a category and stick to it, and I think I need to explore and stick to it, or remain neutral.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
My college studying problem
It seems like I have, again, a problem with grades again in college but it looks like it is not me, but it is the layout of the class that seem to cause the problem for me in studying. It looks like my biggest problem with studying is in the more traditional, lecture hall type classes. It seems like these classes where the professor preaches at you and you try to revive back what he believes in from your memory in a form of an exam and a lot of these exams are very meaty. Basically, if you like the traditional university classes, you might as well learn online. And the exams are biased and you should try to remember what the professor believes in, whether you believe in it or not.
I seem to have trouble with these classes and these classes involve a lot of reading of the textbook - I mean not just skim the pages, but in depth reading the requires lots of concentration and focus.
It looks like I learn better by a more contemporary, hands on, real-world based studying and it seems like a lot of these classes in the college are very abstract and do not base things on the outside, real world. It seems like I get things where I can apply them to the real world. As I said, it looks like all the things that I am learning in college all apply when I am going to Wal Mart.
The classes I did the best in are the classes that I seem to relate to. A lot of the concepts in Sociology of the Family, for instance, I can relate to because it is related to something that I can grasp, the family and raising kids and I have gotten an A- in it. The classes that I can't relate to are the ones that I seem to not get the best grades in such as Human Biology. Of course, it is all about the thing that I am walking around with all the time, but I don't seem to think of my body in that certain way unless you are pretty damn sure that you are going into the medical field.
The current class I am having a hard time with is Abnormal Psychology and it is all about different disabilities and how you can help these people. I think I am using this class in the wrong context. I have been using the psychology classes as too much of a "self help" type context, but it is really with helping other people and thinking about other people. It seems like the only way I can get better grades in my class is to change my way of thinking. This self-centered ness needs to quit and I need to start thinking about other people. This is what the concept of psychology is about - thinking about other people and helping other people. I think I know too much myself and I need to start being interested in other people, even though it is not my nature. This being interested in other people will help me a lot in many areas of their lives.
According to one of my psychology texts, this is theory of mind I am trying to develop and that is what I think psychology is all about. Trying to figure out what the other people are thinking. People with various disabilties such as ADHD and autism have a hard time with theory of mind. What abnormal psych is trying to figure out what is "wrong" with the other person and try to trick the mind to make them think right. All these therapy concepts will make sense to me when I start thinking about other people.
This is only the first exam, but to improve my grades, I should apply my subjects more to real world applications and try to develop a better theory of mind. Theory of mind is that thing that makes you understand why you have to take a bath, brush your teeth, clean your room, use proper manners, and even get a job to sound good in the interview. I should imagine as I was some other person looking at my room. What will my mom think or what will some cute girl think? What a mess! It is something that everyone, not just ADHD and autism could learn to develop.
I seem to have trouble with these classes and these classes involve a lot of reading of the textbook - I mean not just skim the pages, but in depth reading the requires lots of concentration and focus.
It looks like I learn better by a more contemporary, hands on, real-world based studying and it seems like a lot of these classes in the college are very abstract and do not base things on the outside, real world. It seems like I get things where I can apply them to the real world. As I said, it looks like all the things that I am learning in college all apply when I am going to Wal Mart.
The classes I did the best in are the classes that I seem to relate to. A lot of the concepts in Sociology of the Family, for instance, I can relate to because it is related to something that I can grasp, the family and raising kids and I have gotten an A- in it. The classes that I can't relate to are the ones that I seem to not get the best grades in such as Human Biology. Of course, it is all about the thing that I am walking around with all the time, but I don't seem to think of my body in that certain way unless you are pretty damn sure that you are going into the medical field.
The current class I am having a hard time with is Abnormal Psychology and it is all about different disabilities and how you can help these people. I think I am using this class in the wrong context. I have been using the psychology classes as too much of a "self help" type context, but it is really with helping other people and thinking about other people. It seems like the only way I can get better grades in my class is to change my way of thinking. This self-centered ness needs to quit and I need to start thinking about other people. This is what the concept of psychology is about - thinking about other people and helping other people. I think I know too much myself and I need to start being interested in other people, even though it is not my nature. This being interested in other people will help me a lot in many areas of their lives.
According to one of my psychology texts, this is theory of mind I am trying to develop and that is what I think psychology is all about. Trying to figure out what the other people are thinking. People with various disabilties such as ADHD and autism have a hard time with theory of mind. What abnormal psych is trying to figure out what is "wrong" with the other person and try to trick the mind to make them think right. All these therapy concepts will make sense to me when I start thinking about other people.
This is only the first exam, but to improve my grades, I should apply my subjects more to real world applications and try to develop a better theory of mind. Theory of mind is that thing that makes you understand why you have to take a bath, brush your teeth, clean your room, use proper manners, and even get a job to sound good in the interview. I should imagine as I was some other person looking at my room. What will my mom think or what will some cute girl think? What a mess! It is something that everyone, not just ADHD and autism could learn to develop.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I can see I am getting over the hump
Things are getting better and it looks like it has been improving over the past month or so. One major acheivement that I did last month was my first independent stroll to the college. For about the past few years, because of the medication and economic reasons, along with roommates, I was carted back and forth to the college. I was independent but I was not completely independent. But in January 2012, I have completed a major step of having my first complete week entirely independent in the apartment, including the driving.
But I can see the next major step of independence; getting a job. You know the economy is sucking right now but I think I need some money. I don't think I need to rake off moms money and I will learn to appreciate it more if I make it myself. That was a long battle as well and pretty soon I am going to win this battle. I am destined to be on this Earth to serve others and I haven't really had a chance to see what I can really do to contribute to society. I think I should start with something basic to get the experience of earning my own money. If I work hard enough, I can unlock more goodies such as my gas and my apartment rent, which was payed by my parents. If I work for it, I'll learn to appreciate it more often and that will gain self confidence and respect.
Over the past month or so, I was gaining more and more respect, and I was treated more fairly and decently. I looked like a friendly and approachable person and that might be something to do with the medication. I look like some person who knows what he is doing and what he is talking about - I am not one of these confused and anxious kids walking around; I have more purpose. Yesterday, I took that trip to Perkins and Super One with confidence, and I deserved that meal. I have a feeling that things are starting to be put together; it is not a confusion or period of distress as it was for a long time. I thin for a while, I wasn't really worried about doing what I am supposed to be doing; I was worried more about "what if I am going to have one of these days", etc. I was about to have one of these days about Monday or so, but I handled it pretty well. It was related to the apartment and such.
I think I need to be less of a stick in a mud and I think it is all about habit. I am used to being this "spaced out person that is out in this world" that I am still acting like this even though I am physically not. I think I need to change that personality trait because now it is just an inertia effect; it is habit than a "I can't help it thing." Now I am medicated about 100% during the day which means I have no excuse to be this "spaced out in my own world" person. I need to start opening up and start acting more livelier, even though I have been programmed to be that way because I don't know any better.
There are probably people that want to get to know me - I need to get to know them back. The space cadet kid has to leave. I am not the space cadet kid anymore - I am a different person. My true personality and my true interests might coming out, and people might have a different attitude. Space cadet kid is not cool.
There might also be the fact that I am maturing. The driving over to Perkins and driving back in forth is proving that I got determination - even going to Wal Mart. I am doing things. The next thing I need to work on is battling the recession like everyone else.
But I should remember - space cadet kid is not cool. Space cadet kid is not the real me; it is just a collection of abnormal behaviors that I need to be fixed and other people are seeing that. Space cadet kid is this quiet, aloof kid that is thinking about weird things, not interested in the outside world or is having some flip out hypochondria session. Space cadet kid is walking around with mismatched clothing, trying to "be cool" but is really not. Space cadet kid paces around and rambles about random things - has weird quirks and ticks. Some of these symptoms could be confused with autism or some odd disorder like schizophrenia, but really it was a common condition like ADHD that makes me that way and I am getting fixed. Maybe I should focus on fixing other people.
But I can see the next major step of independence; getting a job. You know the economy is sucking right now but I think I need some money. I don't think I need to rake off moms money and I will learn to appreciate it more if I make it myself. That was a long battle as well and pretty soon I am going to win this battle. I am destined to be on this Earth to serve others and I haven't really had a chance to see what I can really do to contribute to society. I think I should start with something basic to get the experience of earning my own money. If I work hard enough, I can unlock more goodies such as my gas and my apartment rent, which was payed by my parents. If I work for it, I'll learn to appreciate it more often and that will gain self confidence and respect.
Over the past month or so, I was gaining more and more respect, and I was treated more fairly and decently. I looked like a friendly and approachable person and that might be something to do with the medication. I look like some person who knows what he is doing and what he is talking about - I am not one of these confused and anxious kids walking around; I have more purpose. Yesterday, I took that trip to Perkins and Super One with confidence, and I deserved that meal. I have a feeling that things are starting to be put together; it is not a confusion or period of distress as it was for a long time. I thin for a while, I wasn't really worried about doing what I am supposed to be doing; I was worried more about "what if I am going to have one of these days", etc. I was about to have one of these days about Monday or so, but I handled it pretty well. It was related to the apartment and such.
I think I need to be less of a stick in a mud and I think it is all about habit. I am used to being this "spaced out person that is out in this world" that I am still acting like this even though I am physically not. I think I need to change that personality trait because now it is just an inertia effect; it is habit than a "I can't help it thing." Now I am medicated about 100% during the day which means I have no excuse to be this "spaced out in my own world" person. I need to start opening up and start acting more livelier, even though I have been programmed to be that way because I don't know any better.
There are probably people that want to get to know me - I need to get to know them back. The space cadet kid has to leave. I am not the space cadet kid anymore - I am a different person. My true personality and my true interests might coming out, and people might have a different attitude. Space cadet kid is not cool.
There might also be the fact that I am maturing. The driving over to Perkins and driving back in forth is proving that I got determination - even going to Wal Mart. I am doing things. The next thing I need to work on is battling the recession like everyone else.
But I should remember - space cadet kid is not cool. Space cadet kid is not the real me; it is just a collection of abnormal behaviors that I need to be fixed and other people are seeing that. Space cadet kid is this quiet, aloof kid that is thinking about weird things, not interested in the outside world or is having some flip out hypochondria session. Space cadet kid is walking around with mismatched clothing, trying to "be cool" but is really not. Space cadet kid paces around and rambles about random things - has weird quirks and ticks. Some of these symptoms could be confused with autism or some odd disorder like schizophrenia, but really it was a common condition like ADHD that makes me that way and I am getting fixed. Maybe I should focus on fixing other people.
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