After the dark and cruel summer of 2013, it was starting to become very brightening for me. I had changed rapidly in one month and I am going to change some more, at a very rapid pace in the next few months. Look at how much I have progressed from the beginning of the year - my expectations were to have a very lonely and dark year like last year, but it looks like things are starting to brighten as the future moves forward. It looks like each day I want to revert to the darker, more colder side of me - there is a battle and that battle is being fought. The darker colder side of me should be eradicated - I have progressed so much with a different side a me - a side of me that people seem to like.
The darker side of me rooted back in the teenage years. I had a very brightening outlook for teenage years but the darker side come through. I don't know what is happening but about the 7th-8th grade, there was a turn around. 8th grade was a quiet year for me but really it was a time to think things through. I gotten a lot more outgoing during the older part of my teenage years, but the realities of life was starting to set through that requires a lot of thinking. According to my mom, during my teenage years, I was going through a lot of experiences that require lots of growing up and thought. I have been exposed to the realities of life a lot earlier than the teenagers - I was starting to realize the reality of death and that is something that happens to all of us. At the end of our life, we are going through the process and that is a very saddening process of us decaying until we die and move on to the next life. I am a pretty religious person and I believe there is actually some type of path that is mapped out in our life and I am always trying to figure out the path that is mapped out in my life.
I have been exposed a lot to the realities of the aging and the dying process, and I have been exposed a lot to the imperfections of people, especially with people that have mental illnesses. I have been seeing people that are not too bright and are trying to survive in the world. I have seen a similar affect to people with Alzheimers and dementia and you have to treat the same people without being too bright.
I have been having many philosophies develop in my life that is based on life experiences - some have to deal with divorce and a messed up family, which will shape them. I have experienced the stable family life fantasy but I have underappreciated it. I had enough of this caring for the sick elderly people - they are my grandparents and my grandparents who have cared for me but they had expected to be cared for in return - I have not appreciated it and I have taken this life for granted. I thought that was a grind that was boring - it was starting to become a chore. I can see many things I have been getting sick and tired of too. I didn't mind the stable family life but I thought it was too strict and it had too many standards - I wanted to have more freedom. But the caring for elderly have kept me out of trouble - it has been a very good preventive measure to keep me sane and away from kids that might be a bad influence for me. But at the same time, I did enjoy seeing my grandparents but I did not want to see my grandparents fall apart.
I also been sick of babysitting the weird and the dumb. I am sit of babysitting a bunch of people anyway. I wanted to be me and not to be a slave to somebody else's life. Of course, it is nice to care for the elderly and the people that are disabled, but it looks like it was a life path that I was not that interested in, but I have an understanding for it. This elderly stuff started to have my idea about older people as people that are senile and losing it, and at one time grandma and grandpa was rewarding. I was expected to grow up and to take care of the elderly during the teenage years - but I also was starting to get a different view about life during the dying process. Each person has contributed a lot in their life - they had done their own thing. I know I have to contribute to something but I don't know what.
My philosophy on life was starting to be changed - I didn't wanted to be caring for the elderly. I didn't like caring for the not too bright. I was sick and tired of being this babysitter. But I love caring for animals like a cat that is fun and I will care for somebody if I want to. I think the message is going to come through someday and I am starting to get the message. The people cared for me but I have taken this for granted. There is something that I should know to care for other. I didn't know much about the caring for the elderly and the sick - that was something that was a learning experience throughout my teenage years to understand the realities of life - this is going to happen to all of us. This is something that happens in old age but it could be accelerated with the choices you make - something that starts even in your teenage years.
Yeah this was something that I was so sick and tired of, and I was starting to take everything for granted. I didn't know what I can do to care for others and I am expected to do that. Maybe some of the most simple things I can do to care for others. I wanted to have things without giving much in return - I was this person that wanted to have things given to me without giving anything back. I don't know what I can give back and what I can do to give things back. There must be even the most simplest things I can do that give things back. I am realizing that how the world works - it is a 2 sided connection. The heart -the symbol for love is basically 2 persons created into one and it is all connected with each other. This 2 sidedness actually connects everything into one unity and that is how many things work. I don't know how I can send my energy back.
Even with one of the most destructive powers of the universe - a black hole, almost all energy is sucked into, including light. But we have this radiation and that radiation is a giver - probably a gift to something; possibly new life. This radiation is energy - even the most destructive, doomsday powers have a purpose - this sucking in energy will be giving for new energy which is new life. It is 2 sided. It looks like I have been sucking in all the love and care that I receive, but I was expecting more and more. I should show some love too.
No comments:
Post a Comment