I have been through a lot of growing up experiences in the last year or so. I had experienced many things such as a flood, 2 deaths in the family, and finally starting to get my first job. But now when I am starting to grow up, there are some things I would not like to go back to.
Of course, I want to keep my youth but I want to be grown up at the same time. I have the ability to drive and it will be nice to have the ability to drive wherever I please - there are places to go and things to see, and these things are not going to be a fantasy, they are going to become a reality.
There is a whole world for me to experience and I would like to find my place in the world - there are lots of cool stuff to try out and I don't have to fantasize - it is a true reality. Getting my first job and having my own money has been a reality and I am able to buy things such as iTunes cards, Hulu, Netflix, and even some nice stuff such as a new computer. Relationships and sex are going to become a reality and not a fantasy.
It looks like growing up is where fantasy starts to become reality, but sometimes reality is not that good. There are some tough obstacles about reality and it makes me not want to face reality. I have this fantasy world of love which I seem like I am not even getting close to it.
I have been facing my fears as well and in the last few weeks, there has been many things that I have been fearing that is no big deal. I have been having these irrational fears of going to the doctor and the dentist. I had this feeling that the pain is enormous and is going to be something that I can't handle - but I had a logical understanding that I need to go through this fear to do things. I had my tooth pulled and I experienced the fear of getting it pulled - it was a short amount of bleeding but they put the solution in my mouth and I felt a little scrape in my tooth, and it was done. I didn't believe that my tooth was pulled out at that fast of a speed and I needed a filling at the dentist. Then I experience the fear of going to the doctor and I was hospitalized - I had a blood test and a MRI for "passing out", and I realized it was some dehydration. I had that intense fear of blood tests and needles.
I am starting to get less fearful and getting less sensitive to pain and blood - I can handle a lot of things, and I even seen the last few hours before death with my grandpa. He was peacefully getting ready to die. The open grave did scare me a bit when he was buried but I have this belief that I am going to a better place.
It looks like I have become more tougher and powerful, and I am sort of a weakling. I used to be afraid of everything but now I am overcoming my anxiety and becoming less emotional. There are many other things to be afraid of such as going to prison and such, and that is a good thing of being afraid, but I can learn to face it.
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