The last few nights were the worse of the worse but it seems like there is a new dawn at the beginning. I was having a roommate in college was doing things that were utter unbelievable and scary -he was starting to cry and to have suicide thoughts, he was constantly praying to God and believing it is his worse night of his life. I heard rumors he was even worshiping the devil which was a sign that I needed to do something.
With my assertion, I had made an important step and moved into a new apartment, and it seems like this time it is working out. I hadn't had that much fun in college since at least the first year I was in college or even in high school. It looks like there is sort of a comeback, and I am getting what I wished for.
Of course, for a while, I was starting to turn into this weird guy that keeps to himself, and contemplates on the world instead of just joining in. I was destined to meet new people and to make new friends; to few included and like I belonged. I was destined even to get a girlfriend and to have happy, satisfying relationships. But there was some stigma that was holding me back and I don't know what it was.
But now something that is coming out of me that has been hidden deep in the core of me - it looks like it is some seed that is going to sprout or some flower that was about to bloom, but it seems like it can't get in. There is something that is deep down in the core that was hidden and finally it was released.
I am a different person - I don't think by nature I was like this and even in childhood I was like this. But it all seem to change when I was in middle school. It is probably puberty and I am starting to find myself, and I was starting to have a negative idea about myself.
About 7th-8th grade - I had this idea that I was not cool. I was wearing glasses and I liked computers, and I even liked classical music. That sounds like a pretty smart kid. I was in the band and I was pretty talented with music - but that didn't sound cool. I didn't want to show my expertise with computers, etc. because that was dorky.
Then I decided I am going to make myself "cool" but I didn't get the idea of what was truly cool at the time. I thought cool was a slick, laid back guy that didn't care for this nerdy, stuff. I was starting to act cooler but it seems like I was starting to fall into my face. I was starting to get involved with the hip-hop culture because that was "cool" and not nerdy. I wanted to be popular and preppy too because that was "cool."
Even though when I tried to "cool myself up", I was not that good with the ladies and all that. I was trying to be slick and sexy, but I didn't want to show any intellect or anything like that. But I think I was better with the ladies back in elementary school but I did show some intellect, and maybe intellect is cool - not the dumbness.
I always had the philosophy of cool is not some nerdy kid and not some redneck kid. I always thought cool was something urban or street, or it might be the philosophy of MTV. Basically I want to hide my intellect and my ruralness, or small town ness because I am sick of it and I want something new. Something cool. But I didn't realize that a lot of people like the rural lifestyle and want someone with some smarts.
Of course, I am going to cool up but maybe I think I am trying to cool myself up and I am not getting anywhere. Maybe I realized that acting like a dumb cluck is going to get a dumb cluck, which is something that is not cool.
I think maybe it is time to stop trying so hard - of course dork is not cool or maybe dork is cool.
No comments:
Post a Comment