I am starting to realize that I am changing and I might not be the same person I used to be. I think everyone is that way. I think about now it is the time when I am starting to finally grow up and see things as they really are. Maybe I never realized who I really was.
I have been diagnosed with ADHD and it looks like a lot of the things I do are not the true person, but more of an illness. I think people with ADHD have the same personality - it is not distinctive. It is a collection of symptoms. I don't think I was focused enough to figure out what I am truly interested in.
For most of my high school years, it was spent a lot of time sitting on the computer. I have been on social networking sites such as MySpace and Facebook, just like the other kids, but I did not develop that many serious friendships. It looks like that most of the time I was playing the games to stimulate myself and put up status updates where I did not have much thought. I also spent a lot of time looking up the most random things, and weren't interested in what the other kids were doing.
Now, I am getting medicated and it seems like when my medicine gets adjusted to a higher level, I realize who I am and how boring this internet browsing is starting to be. I am starting to be a different person - maybe I haven't really realized who I am like, and what I am truly interested. What I was this kid who basically was desperate to fit in, and knew what to do, but didn't really get the details. It looks like I was trying to do what the other kids were doing, but I wasn't really seeing things clearly and get what was cool or not cool at that time. I understood that rap music was cool at that time, but maybe I didn't realize how horrible it sounded or how it was not cool in the school I went to.
I did get some friends, but I never really made too many good friends. Some kids like me, but most of the kids liked me because of the symptoms and the rest seem to ignore me, or think I was stupid. A lot of kids in my class were thinking I am making a fool out of myself or putting on a front. I have been told that a lot students will just talk shit about me or spread rumors - most likely because I was socially awkward and didn't pick up on the social cues as the rest of the kids. It seems like I got the idea, but it always was about a half a second off or something like that.
The big thing I was trying to do in high school and even in college is to try to get in a relationship with someone - a girlfriend. In my mind, too me, a girlfriend is the key to social success and I was cool and with it. And it got to be a cool girlfriend - not a dorky one. But I didn't realize that I am really not meant for the girls I am after. The girls I am after were in sports or something like that, and they were interested in someone in sports, or some of the girls were the country girl type. It looks like I did not have a really good self concept of who I was to get a girlfriend. I think you need to know who you are before you start dating. Now, when I am medicated, I am starting to have a clearer picture of who I am and maybe things are dating.
Being a teenager is all about finding yourself, and I am 20, which means I am starting to get old. But I am still young and haven't really gotten started in life. I haven't even gotten a job yet. When I am medicated, I probably will have a clearer picture of who I am, what I want, and whatever, and I won't be this confused mess. It looks like I was a kid who was confused who didn't know where he was going and did not have a good self concept of myself. But now the pieces are starting to put together and for the first time, I might be seeing things the same way the other kids are seeing things. It is like wearing glasses. I am going to have clearer mental vision.
This is going to be a fun experience - I might have totally different tastes than I used to have. Things I used to like back then I am going to even regret saying I like. The times where fun back then, but in the future, things might be finally start to tie together and make sense to me. I am going to realize who I really am and what is truly going on. I think I am going to stop THINKING as much and start actually LOOKING. I have been been in my own world, like I have been on this strange planet, and it is time for me to actually get back to Earth. Things will be a lot different than I thought when I am back to Earth.
My past blogs look like there is a lot of scrambled thoughts, but now things are going to be a lot more clearer. It is going to be an enlightenment. It is just like the people in the time of the Rennaissance when they finally learned how to read, and all these crazy revolutions started to happen because things started to make sense to them. The same thing might happen to me.
I probably going to be a lot more successful especially with relationships because I am not seeing things more clearly. I might finally see what is good in a girl and not bad in a girl. And a lot of other things - very exciting experience is coming.
I looked at all the past blogs and it seems like there is a theme. It is a trying to find yourself thing, which is very common with teenagers, but it looks like I am getting too old for this. This is something that is usually done about 16 and that is why most teenagers can date easily because they have better sense of identity. I sound like some angsty 13-14 year old teenagers that finally starting to get shoved in that cold world. A lot of the topics are about not getting a girlfriend, finding yourself, very emotional like I am afraid of the world. The world is hell, but we have to learn to fight through it.
Some of the stuff I am writing is very interesting and stuff - very intelligent, and it looks like I am trying to find a worldview. But eventually, when I see things as they are, it is going to become boring.
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