The last 3 years of my life was not one of my favorite times of my life, but it was a time of growing up. I had changed a lot in the last 3 years - my attitudes towards life has changed and even my values has changed. About 3 years ago, I was going nowhere and I had to start from one. I was in a mess - I was going into a dead end degree that I didn't want to go into, and I had people that were stealing my stuff, along with drugs and other violent behavior. I also was very nervous and tense, and there was a lot to be done. It was a long process and it seems like it is the same pattern, but a little bit different each year.
I had a hard time realizing the truth of many things that I need to shape up. It looked like I didn't wanted to accept the fact I was on my own and I had to face responsibility. It seems like there were so many obstacles I had to go through. There were many things that I did out of laziness - it looks like I didn't want to accept the fact that I was cooking or cleaning, or the idea I need to get a job, and to stand up to myself. I probably just wanted this nice cozy lifestyle probably based on having a girlfriend and whatnot, or I don't know, maybe being this rapper guy or Hannah Montana.
The first week of college was the idea I was on my own and I had to make decisions and to face responsibility. Or this was the idea that was going through high school - I had to make decision, face responsibility, and to stand up for myself.
There is a childhood and there is an adulthood, and the idea that I was getting older and more mature did not phase me.
There are some good things about not being a kid again - you have a lot more freedom than being a child and you are respected a lot more, but it seems like the innocence and simplicity goes away when I am getting older. Or maybe I should bring the innocence and simplicity of childhood on an adult level. I should start thinking about things in simpler terms like a child - I seem to enjoy life for the way it is when I was younger and everything gets more complex and abstract when I get older. I think I should simplify things - everything has it's process and it's purpose.
There are some simple things about life - the idea that you work to get money and to have something to do. A function and the idea you love someone - Love and work. That makes a lot of things simple.
There might no be much change when you are in high school - high school seems so complex compared to the real world. The social rules of being cool, the clique system, and a world controlled by the administration, and if you don't follow the rules of the administration, you get punished. There are so many different types of people. But when you enter the real world - everything has it's function. You have food, entertainment, banking, housing, religion, education, recreation - you name it. Everything has it's function.
I had learned a lot and I would of not blogged about this when I am done. I have a very good education about human behavior and what makes them tick - I can understand a lot of things and they seem to make sense. This college education is a great way to get me to understand the world so I can understand what is truly going on.
I had changed a lot from the last 3 years and I hope the next 3 years will be better. I think I had mastered the idea that "I can do it" and I am ready to be on my own - just like accepting being a teen in high school.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Good times are coming
The last few nights were the worse of the worse but it seems like there is a new dawn at the beginning. I was having a roommate in college was doing things that were utter unbelievable and scary -he was starting to cry and to have suicide thoughts, he was constantly praying to God and believing it is his worse night of his life. I heard rumors he was even worshiping the devil which was a sign that I needed to do something.
With my assertion, I had made an important step and moved into a new apartment, and it seems like this time it is working out. I hadn't had that much fun in college since at least the first year I was in college or even in high school. It looks like there is sort of a comeback, and I am getting what I wished for.
Of course, for a while, I was starting to turn into this weird guy that keeps to himself, and contemplates on the world instead of just joining in. I was destined to meet new people and to make new friends; to few included and like I belonged. I was destined even to get a girlfriend and to have happy, satisfying relationships. But there was some stigma that was holding me back and I don't know what it was.
But now something that is coming out of me that has been hidden deep in the core of me - it looks like it is some seed that is going to sprout or some flower that was about to bloom, but it seems like it can't get in. There is something that is deep down in the core that was hidden and finally it was released.
I am a different person - I don't think by nature I was like this and even in childhood I was like this. But it all seem to change when I was in middle school. It is probably puberty and I am starting to find myself, and I was starting to have a negative idea about myself.
About 7th-8th grade - I had this idea that I was not cool. I was wearing glasses and I liked computers, and I even liked classical music. That sounds like a pretty smart kid. I was in the band and I was pretty talented with music - but that didn't sound cool. I didn't want to show my expertise with computers, etc. because that was dorky.
Then I decided I am going to make myself "cool" but I didn't get the idea of what was truly cool at the time. I thought cool was a slick, laid back guy that didn't care for this nerdy, stuff. I was starting to act cooler but it seems like I was starting to fall into my face. I was starting to get involved with the hip-hop culture because that was "cool" and not nerdy. I wanted to be popular and preppy too because that was "cool."
Even though when I tried to "cool myself up", I was not that good with the ladies and all that. I was trying to be slick and sexy, but I didn't want to show any intellect or anything like that. But I think I was better with the ladies back in elementary school but I did show some intellect, and maybe intellect is cool - not the dumbness.
I always had the philosophy of cool is not some nerdy kid and not some redneck kid. I always thought cool was something urban or street, or it might be the philosophy of MTV. Basically I want to hide my intellect and my ruralness, or small town ness because I am sick of it and I want something new. Something cool. But I didn't realize that a lot of people like the rural lifestyle and want someone with some smarts.
Of course, I am going to cool up but maybe I think I am trying to cool myself up and I am not getting anywhere. Maybe I realized that acting like a dumb cluck is going to get a dumb cluck, which is something that is not cool.
I think maybe it is time to stop trying so hard - of course dork is not cool or maybe dork is cool.
With my assertion, I had made an important step and moved into a new apartment, and it seems like this time it is working out. I hadn't had that much fun in college since at least the first year I was in college or even in high school. It looks like there is sort of a comeback, and I am getting what I wished for.
Of course, for a while, I was starting to turn into this weird guy that keeps to himself, and contemplates on the world instead of just joining in. I was destined to meet new people and to make new friends; to few included and like I belonged. I was destined even to get a girlfriend and to have happy, satisfying relationships. But there was some stigma that was holding me back and I don't know what it was.
But now something that is coming out of me that has been hidden deep in the core of me - it looks like it is some seed that is going to sprout or some flower that was about to bloom, but it seems like it can't get in. There is something that is deep down in the core that was hidden and finally it was released.
I am a different person - I don't think by nature I was like this and even in childhood I was like this. But it all seem to change when I was in middle school. It is probably puberty and I am starting to find myself, and I was starting to have a negative idea about myself.
About 7th-8th grade - I had this idea that I was not cool. I was wearing glasses and I liked computers, and I even liked classical music. That sounds like a pretty smart kid. I was in the band and I was pretty talented with music - but that didn't sound cool. I didn't want to show my expertise with computers, etc. because that was dorky.
Then I decided I am going to make myself "cool" but I didn't get the idea of what was truly cool at the time. I thought cool was a slick, laid back guy that didn't care for this nerdy, stuff. I was starting to act cooler but it seems like I was starting to fall into my face. I was starting to get involved with the hip-hop culture because that was "cool" and not nerdy. I wanted to be popular and preppy too because that was "cool."
Even though when I tried to "cool myself up", I was not that good with the ladies and all that. I was trying to be slick and sexy, but I didn't want to show any intellect or anything like that. But I think I was better with the ladies back in elementary school but I did show some intellect, and maybe intellect is cool - not the dumbness.
I always had the philosophy of cool is not some nerdy kid and not some redneck kid. I always thought cool was something urban or street, or it might be the philosophy of MTV. Basically I want to hide my intellect and my ruralness, or small town ness because I am sick of it and I want something new. Something cool. But I didn't realize that a lot of people like the rural lifestyle and want someone with some smarts.
Of course, I am going to cool up but maybe I think I am trying to cool myself up and I am not getting anywhere. Maybe I realized that acting like a dumb cluck is going to get a dumb cluck, which is something that is not cool.
I think maybe it is time to stop trying so hard - of course dork is not cool or maybe dork is cool.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
I want to keep my youth
I am starting to turn 22 in a month which means time is pressing on. Technically, I am old enough to do anything and I don't have to waste my time getting into stuff. But I don't think there is anything that I really care about getting into and I probably haven't changed that much since high school.
Of course, I had changed a lot since high school, and maybe I am realizing that I rather be this clean person instead of put on this act. I am not the person to get into drugs and party, and I rather do things that are a lot more clean. You don't need to do drugs and all that stuff to be clean and have fun. College is not one big party and I am not a big fan of this big party life.
There has been a stigma about the high school and college life - high school and college is supposed to be all about "rebellion" - what is there to rebel about? Of course, there is the freedom but you are making a fool out of yourself. I am not missing much - why you have to dope yourself up to have a good time; you can find some other things to do while having a good time.
I think there is a more conservative bunch of people coming up and I am the start of it. We probably want to bring the youth and innocence that is only seen on the Disney Channel while all other parts of life is all about filth. But we do have our flaws - maybe we are boring people that are missing out on the fun.
I rather be doing something else - I rather be petting my kitty cat than partying and drinking. Of course, maybe I can have a good time but you don't have to have all the stimulants to make you have a good time. These "chemicals" in your body are not cool and they might do a lot of harm in your body.
The people that are telling me that you have to use drugs and have sex to be cool are probably stuck in the 1960s counterculture movement that seem to make a big mess. We are in the 21st century and it is time for us to shape up. This stuff is starting to be things that used to be grandmas stuff and I want to keep my youth.
Of course, it sounds like I am stodgy and old, but I am really not. You can have lots of fun without having all the extras - every song on the radio sounds the same. Have some sort of drug and screw a lot of women, and start seeing the aftereffects and I am seeing the after effects.
I do want to keep my youth and I want to be looking good. College is not all about the partying and the sex, etc. I don't want to sound like some nerd but we are probably changing our attitudes about "geeky" anyway. Growing up is tough and I want to still stay young.
I am almost 22 years old and still listening to clean cut people like Aly & AJ and watching clean cut TV like Father Knows Best - from the '50s. This proves that you can still have fun without having sex and doing all this crazy stuff. I first realized that I was different when I first entered college - I have been involved with a lot of stuff that I seem to disagree with and that started to decide who I am. I am not that and this is cool. Who cares about a gangsta lifestyle - it is glamorized in the movies but it don't look that cool in real life. A lot of stuff is glamorized in the movies but really it is not that great in real life. But maybe we can glamorize clean cut living.
Of course, I had changed a lot since high school, and maybe I am realizing that I rather be this clean person instead of put on this act. I am not the person to get into drugs and party, and I rather do things that are a lot more clean. You don't need to do drugs and all that stuff to be clean and have fun. College is not one big party and I am not a big fan of this big party life.
There has been a stigma about the high school and college life - high school and college is supposed to be all about "rebellion" - what is there to rebel about? Of course, there is the freedom but you are making a fool out of yourself. I am not missing much - why you have to dope yourself up to have a good time; you can find some other things to do while having a good time.
I think there is a more conservative bunch of people coming up and I am the start of it. We probably want to bring the youth and innocence that is only seen on the Disney Channel while all other parts of life is all about filth. But we do have our flaws - maybe we are boring people that are missing out on the fun.
I rather be doing something else - I rather be petting my kitty cat than partying and drinking. Of course, maybe I can have a good time but you don't have to have all the stimulants to make you have a good time. These "chemicals" in your body are not cool and they might do a lot of harm in your body.
The people that are telling me that you have to use drugs and have sex to be cool are probably stuck in the 1960s counterculture movement that seem to make a big mess. We are in the 21st century and it is time for us to shape up. This stuff is starting to be things that used to be grandmas stuff and I want to keep my youth.
Of course, it sounds like I am stodgy and old, but I am really not. You can have lots of fun without having all the extras - every song on the radio sounds the same. Have some sort of drug and screw a lot of women, and start seeing the aftereffects and I am seeing the after effects.
I do want to keep my youth and I want to be looking good. College is not all about the partying and the sex, etc. I don't want to sound like some nerd but we are probably changing our attitudes about "geeky" anyway. Growing up is tough and I want to still stay young.
I am almost 22 years old and still listening to clean cut people like Aly & AJ and watching clean cut TV like Father Knows Best - from the '50s. This proves that you can still have fun without having sex and doing all this crazy stuff. I first realized that I was different when I first entered college - I have been involved with a lot of stuff that I seem to disagree with and that started to decide who I am. I am not that and this is cool. Who cares about a gangsta lifestyle - it is glamorized in the movies but it don't look that cool in real life. A lot of stuff is glamorized in the movies but really it is not that great in real life. But maybe we can glamorize clean cut living.
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