I know this is a very tragic story and this happened when I was a very young child, right when I was starting preschool. I probably didn't have much memory of this but I could of had a sister. When I was only 3 years old, my mom was ready to have a baby but when the baby was born, the baby was dead. Having a dead baby is a very tragic experience - it is one of the worst experiences that a person could have. I was ready for a sister but I didn't have a sister.
Right now, my sister would of been 19 years old and she would of been a freshman in college. On November 9, which would of been her 19th birthday, I was having a lot of problems. I was having anxiety problem which resulted in me to be in the hospital - I had to talk to a shrink and everything, but I was starting to find out it was simply a problem with the heart rate - some simple medical problem.
But really, it has been a very tough 19 years throughout the school years. I don't want to reveal any secrets on the internet but things had been very tough for me. I had been a problem child in elementary school and I had been having the same problems throughout high school and college. It looks like things had been improving throughout the high school years, and I was having some good times in high school - I even had some good times in elementary school, but the college years had been a tough experience for me. But now it looks like things are going through an upswing and things are going to be a lot better in the future.
I don't get the connection here but there might be a message from my sister - something that she was trying to tell me. I never saw my sister but she knows me some how and she probably was guiding me around. This is very mysterious but why everything seems to be figured out by about the time she turns 19 years old or the time she enters the college world if she was alive. I don't know what my sister is going to be like but I can have a guess what she is going to be like, and she is probably going to be a lot like one of the friends that I have made in college.
I don't get why I have to go through this - I am asking myself why? Why? What is the reason behind this chaos and it looks like the junk started when my sister was born dead. She may be physically born dead but she is still alive and well in the spiritual world.
God does have a reason for something and maybe there is a reason why I have to go through this. I was born as a perfectly normal child but then it looks like everything has fallen apart when I was 3 years old. Of course I have my good times in my life and my life is not wasted, but I am thinking why I have to go through this. In the long run, there might be a reason and I am trying to figure out the reason.
There is probably two sides of me - a cool me and a not cool me. The cool me does come out once in a while but the not cool me is revealed a lot, and the cool me is hidden. There is a cool version of me - somebody very awesome that is hidden deep inside me but it has been covered by this person who is this sort of an awkward person. The cool me is unpeeled when people give me a chance and when it is revealed, people like it, but it looks like it is replaced by this awkward, not cool version of myself. It's like a 2 sided personality - some kids in school thought I was awesome and some kids thought I was lame - it is the right kids know the cool me. The awkward me might be some sort of front - I don't know how the cool me gets hidden. Maybe there is some time I can be cool all the time. This is like a competition and it might be my sister in the spiritual world telling me that I am not cool and she could be cooler like it is a rivalry going on. When the cool me comes out, the sister probably gets jealous and makes me uncool so she can be cool. But maybe the truth can be revealed how I can truly be this awesome person.
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