Things are getting better and it looks like it has been improving over the past month or so. One major acheivement that I did last month was my first independent stroll to the college. For about the past few years, because of the medication and economic reasons, along with roommates, I was carted back and forth to the college. I was independent but I was not completely independent. But in January 2012, I have completed a major step of having my first complete week entirely independent in the apartment, including the driving.
But I can see the next major step of independence; getting a job. You know the economy is sucking right now but I think I need some money. I don't think I need to rake off moms money and I will learn to appreciate it more if I make it myself. That was a long battle as well and pretty soon I am going to win this battle. I am destined to be on this Earth to serve others and I haven't really had a chance to see what I can really do to contribute to society. I think I should start with something basic to get the experience of earning my own money. If I work hard enough, I can unlock more goodies such as my gas and my apartment rent, which was payed by my parents. If I work for it, I'll learn to appreciate it more often and that will gain self confidence and respect.
Over the past month or so, I was gaining more and more respect, and I was treated more fairly and decently. I looked like a friendly and approachable person and that might be something to do with the medication. I look like some person who knows what he is doing and what he is talking about - I am not one of these confused and anxious kids walking around; I have more purpose. Yesterday, I took that trip to Perkins and Super One with confidence, and I deserved that meal. I have a feeling that things are starting to be put together; it is not a confusion or period of distress as it was for a long time. I thin for a while, I wasn't really worried about doing what I am supposed to be doing; I was worried more about "what if I am going to have one of these days", etc. I was about to have one of these days about Monday or so, but I handled it pretty well. It was related to the apartment and such.
I think I need to be less of a stick in a mud and I think it is all about habit. I am used to being this "spaced out person that is out in this world" that I am still acting like this even though I am physically not. I think I need to change that personality trait because now it is just an inertia effect; it is habit than a "I can't help it thing." Now I am medicated about 100% during the day which means I have no excuse to be this "spaced out in my own world" person. I need to start opening up and start acting more livelier, even though I have been programmed to be that way because I don't know any better.
There are probably people that want to get to know me - I need to get to know them back. The space cadet kid has to leave. I am not the space cadet kid anymore - I am a different person. My true personality and my true interests might coming out, and people might have a different attitude. Space cadet kid is not cool.
There might also be the fact that I am maturing. The driving over to Perkins and driving back in forth is proving that I got determination - even going to Wal Mart. I am doing things. The next thing I need to work on is battling the recession like everyone else.
But I should remember - space cadet kid is not cool. Space cadet kid is not the real me; it is just a collection of abnormal behaviors that I need to be fixed and other people are seeing that. Space cadet kid is this quiet, aloof kid that is thinking about weird things, not interested in the outside world or is having some flip out hypochondria session. Space cadet kid is walking around with mismatched clothing, trying to "be cool" but is really not. Space cadet kid paces around and rambles about random things - has weird quirks and ticks. Some of these symptoms could be confused with autism or some odd disorder like schizophrenia, but really it was a common condition like ADHD that makes me that way and I am getting fixed. Maybe I should focus on fixing other people.
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